What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So I’ve been so distant lately not just from people but even from blogging. I make a ton of excuses to why I can’t do it at the moment whether is an excuse about time or the laptop or whatever the case may be in reality I’ve spent much of my time avoiding it completely.  As the emotions pile up I was afraid to let them out. I left myself feeling overwhelmed and alone in doing so. What a smart plan I had.  The move, the purchase of freedom was nothing as I expected it to be. I knew that freedom had a price but I had no idea the struggle I would face inside myself. The guilt that would consume me in so many ways. I left the man that has spent his entire adult life raising my kids with me.  We hadn’t been a couple but we had been parents together. I often said I was a single mom and complained of all he did not do. His presence was usually unwanted. We were miserable when he was around. He lost the ambition to raise the kids at some point. He wallows in the what if’s the what could have been. Takes the time from his endless bounties to reflect on what he is missing out on. Instead of being grateful for the countless blessings he has obtained by being dad. I resent him for all that he’s not and tend to forget he was never obligated to be anything. I wish I had the knowledge I have now 14 years ago. I wish I could go back and erase all the bad memories that cloud the good. Unfortunately going back isn’t in the cards. There is no time machine for me to hop into and change history. Besides that history made me. Everyone had hopes that my move would mean cutting off all contact with the man that took my smile from me all those years ago. I just didn’t have it in me. The judgement that came those first few days after the move when I was still sharing a vehicle and aiding him in anyway I could was harsh and overbearing. I tried to disconnect from those giving advice. This is my life I kept telling myself. Soon after it was faded from memory for most and they stopped adding in what I was suppose to be doing. The way they all felt I was required to deal with it. There were judgments that I will return to that house to that man. As things fell apart at the new house I myself even got worried I’d slip back into my comfort zone. That I may run back to literally all I have ever known. I dug my heels in and stayed determined that this is what I wanted. When the furnace went out and he was just right down the road…. his house still being my home….I thought I could load up right this second put all the kids in the car and be back into a warm giant cozy home in mins….. Pushing those thoughts aside. I grabbed the space heaters and I lite the fireplace and I got on the phone. I had the furnace back on within  couple hours no problem. I sat on my bed after the furnace spewed the heat out and thought to myself will I always have to fight my mind not to run back…. Why did I even consider it as I hated that life so much. Is it because it’s the easy answer? Am I the kind of girl who looks for the easy answer? Will I always be this quick to consider running back? So I sat myself on that bed and pepped talked myself. Literally out loud told myself I AM strong enough to do this on my own. I AM smart enough to take what is thrown at me and find a solution. I do NOT need him or the security blanket of having something, somewhere, someone to run to. In my bed at night when the lonely starts to creep in I remind myself I am only alone in the moment. As I do have an amazing man and kids at my side always. So even though he isn’t always in my bed he is always available. I can pick up my phone and call I can call out to the kids in the other room. I had spent so much time following rules and pushing away everyone that when I left I realized I hadn’t had any friends in a long time. I have people I speak to and sometimes hang out but I don’t have anyone I would confide in or trust at all. I don’t think that fostering the relationship I had prior to the rules will be what I need. I think I need to find new friends. The past is to be left there as I continue to move forward. I want to put myself out there to meet new friends and create relationships where none exist currently.  I was overwhelmed this week by endless bills some I expected and others that came without any warning. It was totally three times what I had brought in for the week. The first day I realized I was in over my head with what was due through the course of this weekend I felt instantly overwhelmed. My mind raced with thoughts of failure already. I was ready to give up hope and felt completely defeated. It’s so hard to push those negative thoughts out of my head. I went straight to thinking of shelters and just worst outcomes. I once again had to sit myself down for the pep talk. I had to remind myself of who I am. Of the strength I have buried deep inside that I just need to unleash. I sat with pen and paper that very moment. I listed what I had in income and what I needed to go out. I found out exactly what I was going to be short then brainstormed ideas to come up with that money.  I knew that my amazing boyfriend had my back if I couldn’t do it on my own. SO that pretty much eliminated the fear from the situation. I knew I wouldn’t need the drastic thoughts of a shelter or move. You can imagine how soothing that was for me. I didn’t want to go from creating one security blanket and letting go to just creating another. I want my strength to come from me. No bail outs. Although I was ever so grateful it was there. I found the side job I needed to generate the income required to keep me a float. I was so thrilled to text him and say babe I don’t need the money. I felt powerful and strong to just type I got this on my own. I did it I provided for mine. I found my own solution. Daily I see my strength grow. I take more pride in myself and the feats I accomplish. This road is long and I am sure I have a million more battles to fight and obstacles to over come but as long as I remember my own strength I think I got this.

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