What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

The impact of a word so simple brought me to tears today. Left my mind racing on how incredibly lucky I was. God knows I have never had a healthy relationship. Not once in my entire life has a man stood at my side as an equal. Unhealthy and toxic has been all I have ever known. Very rarely have I even had a man in my bed that can say he hadn’t laid his hands on me in anger. Years of toxic leaves you unable to grasp what healthy even is. I had no idea what love felt like. I had heard the words of course many have came and gone trying to prove those words to me. Tattoos, rings, gestures, never did it mean a thing. The rings always went to the jewelry box to eventually be taken by the minions and disappear completely. I was never with someone in the right way….. IT was always one sided whether it was me or him or her that was there for self gain there was always one of us that was. I had not known a selfless love. I never trusted anyone frankly. Now I do have one maybe two friends I have come to build a trust a love with and I am so grateful for that. But today when I read that words that I was important to read that to believe in that with your whole heart when you have not ever felt that much in your entire life. Probably safe to say never believed it as much as I did in that moment. I sat consumed completely in emotions. I had tears just endlessly flowing. How in the hell did I even get so lucky. And this guy does not love some fake me or some me at the high point of my life. I am sitting at my lowest of lows… pretty much have been since I meet him and HE STILL LOVES ME! The real me!!!! My entire life I have fear being a disappointment. I hate letting people down. So that leaves me unable to say no to things I would like to say fuck NO too… With him I don’t fear any of that….. I tell him exactly how I feel always right in the moment. Without fear of judgment of any kind. It’s empowering just confiding in him gives strength he doesn’t have to do or say a thing even I just know he cares and he is listening… Not the pretending to listen either the man actually listens. He pays attention to the details. I have so much to look forward to because he is full of the greatest knowledge and he brings out all of the greatest parts of me. He calms me in my most stressful moments. He sees the beauty in the disaster. I feel secure, loved, happy, like I can climb the highest mountain. I trust him with my entire heart. My heart has never been so full and even in these trying times I look forward to tomorrow because I know he is in it.

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