What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Gosh it just seems like an eternity since my fingers pecked away at these keys putting my thoughts to this blog. I have spent all of December purchasing that freedom I so desperately needed. I did it too! I purchased the shack that contained my freedom. The shack is far from the life I have been providing to me in the kids for the past few years. It was a hard biter pill to swallow to even accept that this is now my home. That faded a bit as I came to realize how much happier we all were. That this run down shack made us feel safe and comforted. Everything that can fall apart it has. I have had nothing but an up hill battle since making the choice that freedom is what I deserved. As the set backs come I see those who aren’t really on my team. The why not just go back to the abuse isn’t it easier. I keep promising I won’t go back I will fight all the fight I have in me and never stop. I tell myself whatever it is my inner me needs to hear to not run back my tail between my legs and say I need a man who will hurt me. I just keep thinking processing and trying to find solutions…. A new problem arises as soon as I do though of course.

I sat yesterday in tears wanting to be held and hear things will be okay. I can’t say if they will I don’t feel sure of a thing. I feel as though I have failed and that every time I try to succeed I fall further back. I have still got some fight though so here I stand…. I know most are wondering what my health is like. I have been making my doctor apts. with another one tomorrow. I am getting injections again and on quite a few meds to fight off infections I keep continuing to get because of my immune system so low. I need to have my kidneys replaced. Renal metastasis failure so they say. I have kept most of the knowledge I gain on my condition a secret. Eating is increasingly difficult and so is sleeping between the stress and the pain. My leg is still having same issues without relief. The hives and abbess that I had a few weeks ago are under control now. I have had more stomach issues then I want to admit and have found myself getting sick and just running to bathroom in general a bit more. I feel less shitty then the doctors make it seem I should so that gives me some hope I guess. I need to schedule some surgeries on friday’s apt. Removing as much of the tumor as they can. I think if I hadn’t meet the amazing man I meet at the time that I did I wouldn’t fight for a thing right now. I can honestly say the greatest gift you have to give someone is your love. It is powerful feeling to be loved. Not that twisted obsessed love I have gained most of my life but this pure and comforting love that he posses and gives me all of. Even in the worst moments when I vent to him it soothes. Even those desperate times when I am aching in pain and sad to my core he makes me smile. Love is by far the most powerful drug in the world… Is love enough to give me what I need to fight for my life and freedom..????? Am I even worthy of the love he showers me with?

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