What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It again has been some time since I have had time to sit with my thoughts and type. But here I am at last. ….. a morning off from work…..a night I stayed home and in my very own wonderful bed…. so here is where I sit laptop in hands finally with the moment to get some of it out. I have been consumed in stress and sadness and hopelessness even again. Even more so the other day. I realize it is his presence that consumes me and the kids. It’s the negative energy the having to walk on eggshells play his game just to not set him off. To guess which part of his moods he is in is he begging for your love and full of apologies or angry he doesn’t have you attention and someone else does…. I don’t even mean some one as in a guy I mean as in ANYONE! A conversation at work can’t be held without him included or he will send a text to me belittling me in any way he can….anything for a reaction. I try so hard not to even give that reaction let him go with his anger and just laugh it off as him being crazy. There is times that is just impossible while he is throwing things at work and everyone is demanding answers from you as to what is wrong… HE IS INSANE how the heck should I know???? is all I want to scream back.  The stress consumes me. I feel like I can not ever do a thing right in any situation. I reached to my mother for help can you imagine. Although she is far to busy in her own life because im still sitting here……She told me to go to this shelter that would mean losing all income for my kids can you imagine I have teenagers that have school I am just going to change their entire education plan? Just like that? Is staying better? I have firm demands now. I leave and take the kids at any point that he cusses, raises his voice, or belittles. I wish there was some miracle that would just whisk me and the kids into a new place a fresh start where my kids could continue the school here. But I can not stay floating here and not screw over this very awesome landlord and move. I am trapped. It feels like for an eternity to be honest. So even on the good days when he has done nothing wrong my head lives in the days when he did everything wrong. I am sick of hiding it all covering it up. You can’t imagine the life I have lead…. I just want some freedom and peace already… Is there never a happy ending for me….. Am I destined to be stuck trapped in this prison forever. My eyes are pouring tears just thinking about it thinking back to all the things I have survived with this to think of the damage it has done to me. My 14 year old daughter has been kissed more then me because of something he did to me…. I could not ever let someone kiss me. Seems so silly but I live with many fears created by the man  that was suppose to love me the most. I brag of my strength I raise so many kids. I do a damn good job. I help whoever I can. I work my tush off… why can’t I get free why can’t I find a way. It’s the thing I have wanted more then ANYTHING!!!!!

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