What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I found myself distancing myself from everyone over the last couple years…. slowly weaning out the family and friends. I became more and more antisocial. As I distanced myself I realized how very little most of those people even care about me as a person at all. I very much have a need to be the giver and that has caused me to be surrounded by needy greedy people. Who wouldn’t not even give a second thought to giving me the same helping hand back. I have very few people I am proud to call my friends there are very few stories where I can share how someone had my back or helped without having that self gain motivation in the back on their minds. I have done such a good job and cutting all of that out of my life. I had very few people around so very few with their hand outs as I have begun to allow people leak back in through social media or my ache to see the children they may bare I have missed so much. I can see through everything very clearly. The same people I have housed, feed, clothed, and gave money to are those that have no problem throwing dirt on my name. Taking a step back from all those people have shown the real people as well the ones who drag my from the bottom of shower on the bad days. Run to get me cough meds and care for my kids as their own. I realize how few of those real people they are and how easily I let those less demanding of me real friends slip through the cracks. I don’t take the time to tell them how much I love and need them. I also noticed I feared the word love I couldn’t even share my love for people out of fear of what the word could be construed as. Why is it even seeing the difference I fear upsetting those fake… maybe upsetting is the wrong word… I hate letting people down even people I know would let me down. That have let me down. Oh how my mind has been so crazy lately….. I’ve been feeling blue all over again.

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