What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

To say I have been living in a healthy relationship would be a down right lie. I keep using the lack of a title as an excuse for the toxicity that has become us. I keep thinking I can not live alone how ever can I afford that. I keep thinking I will be so lonely when the kids leave because I have no friends no family everything I have is really his. His family his job his life.  How will I survive that lonely life? Is that not like death itself to be alone and have no one to share your time with? That is the thought process going through my mind right now as I plan to make the changes. Its required for me to have a plan in order to feel safe enough and strong enough to leave. Is that to a result of over a decade of abuse. I myself have known nothing less then abuse for what feels like eternity far before this relationship. I myself am not free from blame of being the abuser right back. It’s a two way street  of hurtful words and venom spewed. The actions I took in hurt to only create more hurt.. It’s clear that we are both the victims. I am the only one who sees that the only solution is to part to have separate lives. Just not having a title is not enough anymore. We can no longer co exist as one unit because the unity has been lost. I feel inadequate  at work and home. I give all I can give but it never feels enough. That constant feeling he gives me has gone over to my kids. If you ask them the name they call him “dad” it’s not from the heart any longer more from habit. Can you imagine my feelings hearing that. As I have always remained for them. That is not what they want though. They wish to have happiness they wish to be able to enjoy time with me without the greed of a man trying to invade it. I want that too. I want to smile instead of sigh. I want my joy to not get clouded by the sadness he bestows me. I want myself and my children to thrive. I always felt that the two incomes were needed for them to thrive. That two parent’s in the home were needed for them to thrive. But the truth is there is already only one parent raising my kids. There may be two income but there is far more expense as well. Expense that do not benefit outside of selfish needs. So it’s my time to stand up and walk on my own path. Without worry of anyone’s needs but my children and my own. To show my children to demand to be treated in a way that brings joy. To demand respect. To walk away from the relationship that don’t provide that for them. To leave those at a distance who will have negative impacts. To achieve their goals and strive for self worth. So I will leave everything behind I do not intend to fight for the home I have worked so hard for and love so much. Because its not worth the fight over material things. I hope to harbor no hard feelings on either side as we still have a decade left to co parent together. I have repeatedly informed him that I shall be walking but he doesn’t hear me. I am sure it sounds like all the other times I have laid ultimatums and I have even walked only to return with my tail between my legs. So why should he listen. This time I stand taller and stronger then I ever have this time I walk from all abuse to live a healthier better life for me and my children. Because I am WORTH IT!ll

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.