What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been about four month since I have written much. Truthfully I have opened and shut the page wanting to take the time to just type…. I didn’t really know what of the many crazy advents that had happened in the past months I wanted to share but I wanted too… Then I just couldn’t get my fingers to move to type a single word… I would shut the page and keep everything bottled up…… Since my last post I have become even more antisocial. Even the best friend I was with almost daily I speak very little too. My time is so limited and my pain level is always pretty significant I have really only been hanging with the kids and working to support them.


I had a MAJOR issue with my insurance. I had started and quit many treatments and doctor’s office in general. I had walked out on doctor’s pulled out iv’s and signed out. I had stopped medication and never arrived at follow ups. So basically my insurance company laid down the law. I can’t not show I can’t just decide to start and stop treatment. So I have been going to every single doctor apt. I have been to the vision and chiropractor on top of my regular doctor and my cancer doctor and my dentist. I have a podiatry apt. set up as well.  It’s been just completely insane. I have been taking all of the medications as well with the exception of chemo meds I am still not choosing that treatment nor have I committed to the surgery. As of 32 days ago my tumor has shrank by 2mm which seems so minimal but it’s really been a huge hope for me to cling to. I have followed a really close regimen with meds and doctors and umed center. I also have changed my eating a lot as well. At home everything is purchased locally raised and organic. We have so many resources locally I have not had many issues adjusting my diet at all. I feel better then I did four months ago for sure but a lot of that is my moral is much much higher.


Unfortunately while I was sicker and letting this defeat me ( cause lets be honest those sick days are still there LAST week I swear to God I thought I was going to pass out face first on the grill at work) I got way behind in everything. Things I thought were getting paid things I was giving money to be paid weren’t. I wasn’t paying attention to anything Selfishly all I could think of was planning for death and when it was coming sometimes even wishing it sooner on those really bad days. I can’t really tell you what snapped me out of it…. One of those long conversations with my best friend in my bed where he kept telling me everything I needed to hear Im sure. Maybe it was when the bottom was there and I got served the eviction on that mansion I was so proud of getting my kids just two years prior. Well I am happy to say I picked myself up I have climbed back from the hole. I am not losing my house any longer I paid the entire thing in full. I am not behind I am once again building my empire for my minions. Kiddos have everything needed for school and I got my second job this week. Two jobs will be pretty physically demanding…. But cancer is not going to beat me. It’s not going to stop me from providing. I could lay on the couch and die or go to work to by my daughters their prom dresses. 🙂 Needless to say I have found a way to smile thru the pain the saddness as well. To know that I shall not take my life for granted no matter how hard it may seem to live it IS worth living !!!

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