What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

This week has been one struggle after another. I tried so hard to attend a baby shower for a family my daughter has been quiet close with. I didn”t take into account that we would be outside and walking most of the shower. 4 hours in I was in rough shape. My meds in my pocket that the whole party had been discussing the smell of and where it was coming the entire day. I was feeling desperate to take my meds settle my leg pain and my neasuea that was now in full swing as well. But where could I go discretely ? I walked in a search for a place but it didn’t exist. Back to the bench for me to cry and pray someone could come get me soon. Then one of the shower Mommies came up. Im pretty open about my battle with cancer and my meds. Never have been ashamed of meds I take legally to improve my life span with my kids. The mommy offers me to use her truck. Within mins I was improving. Soon after I was picked up to go home. From there I proceeded to get incredibly worse. Monday night came and i felt as though i were on my death bed. I keep everyone awake falling and crying and puking. My guilt was high I was emotional and Alone as I mostly am. In and out of a dozen showers doing anything i can think of to provide relief.  I lost control of my body tempt. I lost control of myself. Found my head in a very dark place. This life is it worth it ? Am I a burden to my kids? Are they raising me? I have not ever missed field trips or conferences or any extra curricular activities but this year there are few and far between i have attended im not half the hands on mom I was. In my head that feels like a failure. It is a failure to not be the best mom you can be right? In the emotional state i was in I couldn’t put the pcs together. I couldn’t see that even though my abilities have changed im still striving to be the best mom I have the ability to be.In that emotional state I contemplated suicide. In fact i cut and I was at Chuck feet begging him to assist me. By tues i was worse. Moving hurt talking was difficult. My body kept going numb you couldn’t even make out what i was saying. I was in tears and over whelmed. By 3 I was sitting in the hospital. I walked in thinking you can’t keep being this sick and you can’t keep being so low. So I was honest I told them of my thoughts and actions I had my note book in hand on all the issues and when. I never realized what was about to happen from the words i had just spoken. Immediately they stripped me of my clothes, my shoes, my cell phone, my blankets. I was put into a paper gown and into a bright bright bright room. This is after me stating over and over please the light makes my head so much worse. but My room and cameras and a black dbl sided mirror and the lights remained so i could be watched. I shook and shook freezing the entire time. Whatever my thoughts were before arriving they were increasingly worse now. I was alone for far longer then i imagined being. I never ever spoke to any mental health personal a nurse and two doctors came. I was pumped full of pain meds that i continued to say i didn’t want they hurt my stomach. They said I was inncorrect that the meds taken by iv would not only if swallowed. 4 hours after being so doped i couldn’t hold open my eyes they told me there was nothing they would or could do and i needed to go to the u of m and to my primary doc. Then sent me on my way. I have absolutely had no improvements since the pain stuff wore off. I have increasingly gotten more depressed over the last yr and it’s a huge battle mentally to keep up the fight. But I AM!!!!! I wish i had the ablity to just mom. It’s all I want to do is just be a mom!

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