What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Christmas has came and went and I am thankful that it is past. I spent most of the month worried if I could put anything under the tree. Once I had accomplished that daunting task then I had to turn my focus on to what empty promise would the kids bio dad feed them that I would then have to try to make up for or make a distant memory? Christmas was chaos as always. On Christmas Day we spent it at my grandma’s then I took the kids to three different spots to spend the holidays with their dad’s families. I was instantly lonely bored and empty after dropping them off. It wasn’t long before Allen returned home. I was hoping that his dad had came through for him. And not just with the gift Allen had been asking for I thought it was extremely costly and probably not feasible to begin with. I wanted Keith to make Allen feel accepted and equal. I always hate sending them for Christmas knowing they will sit and feel left out and second. I feared writing this because I am an imperfect parent who am I to judge…. Then I realized I am not intending to pass judgement just pass my feelings. Parenting is a hard job. It’s hard for me to watch my child be hurt to watch him feel anything less then fantastic is heart ache for me. I can set the bar high and I do for my kids dad’s as I SHOULD. I do ponder if their choices are right and I worry for my kids emotional state often. I don’t know how Keith feels about my parenting but I know his wife has lots of opinions she has been sharing with my kids on a regular basis. How she feels I unfairly judge her because we do the same things…. Not the same she puts my kids at risk by doing things illegally I do not. I don’t cut corners or jump hoops I dot my i’s and I cross my t’s. Anyways back to Christmas…. So Allen comes home to show me that he got a game that goes with the system he asked for but no system to play it on….. So now he has a useless game. HE did say he got to play it on His aunt’s system and had lots of fun doing so but it was in fact that aunt he said had got them game for him not even his dad. Malachi had already mentioned he was planning to get 25$ because his grandma had sent it to keith for each of them for Christmas. He said keith had borrowed it to use on his and his families cell phone bill. Again I pass no judgement on that I have borrowed from the kids banks in a pinch myself. Allen was the only kid who came home that night. So I only got his story and feelings. He told me that everyone had gotten quite a bit but him. He had already gotten a call earlier in the week between him and his dad where he claimed his dad had stated he had even “bothered” to look for his gift yet. So here my son was sitting home with me feeling blue. Feeling like last when he was actually first. He really didn’t care about the system he needed his dad to show him he cared. He got everything but that. Once the other kids came home all but Malachi who has yet to return the consensus was the same. In fact HAiley was pretty angry she had to have stayed at all. She said Tyler her brother had given her a guilt trip to make her stay. She said that the two kids keith has with his wife got tons of gifts that they were flaunted in front of her and they only one who cared was once again their aunt. She had gotten her make up. Hailey actually doesn’t wear make up at all. Unless it’s to face paint some cool design she isn’t into make up. But the thought it what counts and Hailey was happy her aunt had thought of her. Haily repeatedly told me Jennifer was the only one that got them a thing. She said Keith’s mom and Keith hadn’t done anything. Malachi had visited the week or two prior with all this talk of batman stuff for hailey and all these gifts that they had waiting. They didn’t exist of course. I had tried to warn them that they were getting their hopes up for something that may not be.  The saddest part of the story is the man that Keith is so worried about them calling dad… he put 7 presents each for them all under the tree. His family got gift cards and gifts that were equal for them all. They already know Chuck won’t allow them to be left out doesn’t matter if they are his blood they are his kids you buy for all his kids or none. Clare was feeling the same way the girls explained they got stocking but the other kids took and ruined their things. Hailey was in tears talking about well I got colored pencils but it didn’t matter I don’t now. She was extremely angry she had to stay so long. Lashed out at me as though I had made her. She was there by choice I asked if they wanted to go not forced. I’d go to jail before I’d force them and they already know this. Hailey proceeded to tell me how her and her dad got into a physical altercation over her trying to get his phone to call me. She wasn’t sure if her dad knew she was going to call me or not though. I would have had lots to say had he did. I don’t know if going to keith with what the kids come home sad about is even worth it. If it will even doing any good. Will anything change. I feel like I talk to this man till I’m blue in the face and accomplish nothing. I am currently making the kids even his kids will amanda these beautiful wall plaques. They all need their dad’s both of them they are blessed to be given too. But man I hate my kids hurting.  He told me the kids wouldn’t be leaving the house as I had stated to him Hailey’s bf was living there in the park. HE has no idea hailey snuck to his house and hung out while she was suppose to be checking the mail. I wonder if he has any communication with them at all. How can I live on the other side of town and know where my kids are and when he doesn’t when they are in his care? How does that work? I realize I was not a good mother in the beginning I had no clue what I was doing but I have to say I honed my skills in and I am really the best mom I can be. The situation with the kids dad is just not one I can find answers too. I wish I could and I am so open to any and all suggestions!

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