What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Finding the time to just sit down and type just doesn’t exsist I really want to make a post about the kids and Christmas and how things played out but I just don’t have the time just start that long detailed post tonight. Nor do I have the time to open up those feelings and actually deal with them. So postponing that for now. I’m incredibly exhausted. My children got into my markers and dyed there hair with permanent marker. Talk about flash backs to 13 lol. The past few days have really just been so incredibly busy and task orientated I have had very little time to feel or reflect just keep moving….There is sooo much going on. Chuck’s brother is here. Another sibling that had been adopted and he had never meet although they have been facebook friends for some time now. He is now here living with Chuck’s mom. Emotions are raging and I just have to keep swallowing them. There is a long blog coming for that story as well. My daughter asked why we don’t see Scott anymore…. none of the kids have ever asked why the two yearly visits with him stopped until now. I asked her what made her ask. GUESS WHAT MADE her ask….. her bio dad asked and brought him up.I guess when he brought up my bio dad Clare didn’t even know who he was. Malachi, Allen and Hailey are the only ones who remember. I’m thankful for that. I easily evaded the question and moved on. I have scrapbooks of my dad and his family. Pictures from which I steal from facebook and I update and label with who is who and related through who. I have one for each of my kids should anything ever happen to me or on their sweet 16. Not just Scott family tho all the family each baby daddy and their families and Rik’s family. Ive been working extremely hard on this project since we moved into this house. I have a huge bin I add pages to the scrapbooks there are same pages now called memory pages. I don’t have a lot of happy memories of family times as a kid NOT saying there weren’t moments or that I wasn’t happy but i have few of those memories. One is a bday idk I was like 6 maybe both parents and step parents there and a horse and a clown and a magician I mean it was INSANE. I have a page for that two actually 🙂 UGh ramblings. Anyway I have been doing really good on Amazon lately so thank you for reading, clicking, and purchasing ! All counts!  Struggling with Hailey growing up to fast. Found out when she went to Keith’s she snuck to the boys house AGAIN (even tho he swore they weren’t leaving the house) He sent her to the mailbox and somehow she was able to go to his house and hang out!! Thankfully she is still pretty honest with me….. when lexi isn’t present. So she did tell me. Now tonight she says this kid’s mom wants to meet me. She is exhausting trying to grow up way to fast. School is losing focus for her and I have no intentions of standing for it. She lied to me yesterday her and lexi snuck Lexi bf in my house in the middle of the night. Then they went to hang out on my play ground for hours…. in the middle of the night. Clare snitched in the morning or I would never have even known. So this morning I ordered cameras. I moved the rooms around so Hailey no longer has her own space she has Clare with her. And When Lexi is picked up tomorrow that will be the end of Hailey having anymore company of any kind at my house. Till grades are up and respect is put back into place. My leg pain is thru the roof right now. My lips are incredibly chapped. My hands are dry and cracked. I really really really need to find myself a winter coat at neighbor to neighbor because today was bitterly cold just walking through the parking lot with that wind. I still don’t know if im going to surgery or not. I need to work…. what really happens if I don’t? Does it just stop functioning wear a diaper…… I mean what is the alternative? a bag or a diaper is that really what im looking at now? Fuck it. Im off to bed can’t think about any of this right now I have to focus on the goal at hand.

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