What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So after a few new doctor apts I think I have a little hope. Just a little but I mean really that is all you need just that string of hope to cling to? So anyhow I have scheduled a surgery to remove the tumor that is causing the loss of blood flow to my leg and really causing me the majority of my pain. Removing it has lots of risk and consequences of course. IT is possible that they won’t be able to get it all. They are recommending wither they do or do not get it all to still have chemo radio which I am still denying. Another minor who am I kidding MAJOR issue is my bladder will be removed. At this point that is the only thing I am looking at losing if I wait we could be looking at a worsen issue. So it’s scheduled. For some time I would be unable to care for myself. Just recovery time but after I can change my own bag and still provide for my kids and live a normal life. At this point they are saying disability is a option….32…. and disability??? Give up being in a kitchen ever again? Is this really something I am interested in. Is this cancer really going to take my life if I don’t do this. What if I do and then die in a freak accident anyway and then went thru it for nothing. My mind is racing talking myself in and out of this choice. I clearly have no one I can or will rather talk to about it. No one sees what I do. I don’t want my kids taking care of me. I want to take care of them till the very moment I can’t any longer. Chuck was at my side through both apts both days he drove me to and from. I have been feeling much better the past few days honestly. I have gotten lots done in my own home and feel rather accomplished. My iron was ridiculously low they actually wanted to admit me over IRON! Of course then I got the call that Clare Bear had started her period and her and Hailey Jade both wanted to come home . That is for another blog story tho.

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