What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have contemplated if I would post this that the world could see for some time. I wasn’t sure that I was prepared for the consequences of my feelings and my words. Then I thought about maybe this is what she needs he needs I need for us to all stop tip toeing about each other afraid to lose each other or afraid of the consequences and just be real about it. Addiction has been in my life in a huge role for as long as I can remember. I think the scariest moment of my life is when my husband over dosed on heroin right there in front my eyes he was dying. As the emt shook me and asked permission to put a needle in his heart and bring him back there isn’t a moment I have felt a greater fear. Hard to believe that wasn’t all that long ago. I slept at his side on the ground in a hospital room on the tile floor in fact. We were not even together at the time. He lived with another girl just blocks down the road from my home. Of course that made no difference when I watched him that day there was no one else to be there I never doubted being there. It was where I needed to be. I prayed my heart out those days. It was in fact days before he came too. Days before I heard him speak. It didn’t hit him as hard as it did me. I don’t think it instilled the fear it needed too as he still struggles. It’s a hard road addiction is. He is clean on heroin but other underlying addictions still linger. As Chuck and I have been parenting together for over a decade now his family has become mine. His childhood memories are filled with addiction and struggle as well. His mother is probably the family member on both my side and his that I would say I am the closet too. I feel I can freely speak to her about anything really. I spend time with her on almost a daily┬ábasis. We like all family have had our rocky times but all and all have been extremely close. I think that her having children who were adopted makes me relate to her so much. When she came to Michigan 2-3 years ago I was thrilled. I finally had someone to talk to to confide in. Who would pass no judgement as I felt I got from others. As my anxiety grew in the last year and I became even less social our bond grew even more. Now her husband has a terrific job and I have grown increasingly more proud of their accomplishments. As she comes over with milk and school project needs and shoes for her grandson and we begin to feel as though we have a new mom a sober and strong mom. We count on her we are at her house 5 times a week and speak daily and enjoy having her presence in our lives. Then recently we start to notice that they are going back to Rockford more and more. Recently we got a gift card donation and our house NEEDS a VACUUM!!!! I mean I am sure you can imagine a two story 6 bedroom house with 7 kids can’t survive without a vacuum. I had planned to purchase one instead of gifts for kids because again it was a need. $40 vacuum would have suited us fine as the kids break them so quickly we try not to spend much. Chuck’s mom told us repeatedly don’t buy we are getting Friday don’t buy. I remember saying to chuck I would really regret it if she made a promise she didn’t follow through on. Friday came no vacuum next friday came she took us to look at them but her husband said they needed to wait to fix the truck. We understood and I am really not greedy at all. I have no issue buying my own vacuum it was my original plan after all. But because she has been so on point with everything she has said she would do it red flagged us. Then another Rockford trip. They had planned to be gone for the day only. They left both dogs. Days went by. Yes there was bad weather some but they have both been driving in worse. Very little contact happen’s when they are in Rockford. Days later ( my memory is awful i really have no clue if was 2-3 as Im not even positive when they actually got back there was so little contact) Chuck’s anger was growing as his bday was approaching and Christmas she had planned to do Christmas and his bday this week before Christmas before another planned Rockford trip. Finally she asked us to go let out her dogs. They hadn’t had food or water since she left. We had assumed she had the neighbors doing it. Nope the house was trashed the dogs had been alone and were far from happy about it. They were elated to see us come through the door I feed them and chuck cleaned the house. I could see him down the hall with the most devastated look down his face…. he had found chore boy and spoon…. Our worst fear right there looking us in the face again. A punch in the gut to us both. They were back from Rockford 36 hours before we even knew. WE arrive to see her and she is completely out of it. It’s clear to us both she slid again. We aren’t sure how long of if she was even ever completely clean. One of the children that were adopted due to move in with her in just a few days. Christmas around the corner Chuck’s birthday already passed. She so casually brushed off that she hadn’t made his angel food cake or haystacks that she had spent so much time reminding him that he would have. I never did get my bday cheesecake back in August either. She of course tries to make us feel bad for our feelings of hurt because she is hiding the addiction and claiming just to be sick without a reasoning to why. We have had addiction in our lives way to long not to know. I have lost my outlet lost my confident. I find myself stressed out about this sibling that is to be here and has no idea the struggles here….. A year making more money then chuck and I have ever made together in fact triple it. Yet your home has no furnace and duct tape walls. The ability to be and do so much but the battle continues to win. Addiction consumes all that is good in life. ­čÖü So sad right before Christmas.

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