What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

2am and here I am awake. Been a very long day. I wasted half of it in bed. Got up to do enough house work to make it appear I had given effort. I did fold and put away laundry. You can see the couch again. Pretty much had a emotional day from that point on. I feel myself withdrawing more. My kids are the only thing in life that matters to me. I can’t imagine not being able to protect them and if there is heaven and I have to look down and see their lives in chaos or turmoil that would feel more like hell to me. I pray that I am strong enough to be there for as long as they need me. I shared a few memories with Paytyn today. He reminded me of the time I SAVED HIS LIFE! His brother call of the wild man aka Malachi had brought home a painter turtle. A harmless painter turtle that didn’t make a mess in my house of course I agreed to keeping it. Put it on top your dresser I say so Paytyn doesn’t let him out. Clearly that tall dresser was no match for Paytyn. His screams of death pierced through the house and I went running. Paytyn was on top the dresser with his hand half in the tank and the turtle attached to his finger. I screamed for pliers. I got scissors in return and a screw driver. That is what I used to pry that turtles mouth and release my poor baby. I chucked it out the door right after. Malachi laughed thankfully as I turned to wait for his tears and a meltdown to begin and Paytyn thought I had just saved his life. 4 hours till I have to get the first set of kids up for school. I need sleep. I stopped taking my sleeping pills. Now I haven’t been sleeping well. I watched Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children and I must say I loved it. I want to re-watch again in the morning since I was on Facebook and Amazon while I watched and missed pieces I want to go back and catch but I am very pleased I got it. It’s well worth the rent or the purchase. Not a movie for the little little ones though as I think some of the creatures might scare them but it was perfect for the older kids. I am hoping to get Greater tomorrow. It looks like a great story. I just love true stories. My princess has a concert tomorrow as well can’t wait to watch her sing. Well off to try to sleep some. Pain level is pretty mild and tolerable tonight. Thankfully

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