What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


Today was by far the worst pain day I have had to date. It has dulled some now but because my kids are in bed and their dad is here I have taken my prescriptions. They make me so tired I always fear I wouldn’t hear an emergency and I have to be in a pretty desperate state to take them. Not to mention I strongly dislike taking pills they tear up my tummy. So anyway I woke up in pain that increased throughout the day only dulling briefly a couple of times. I found myself extremely negative all day. It sucked me in like a black hole. I was crying in pain or pity most of the day and evening.  Now I’m laying in bed listening to Champagne wishing I could numb everything. No I don’t drink. I can’t even imagine trying to drink although I had a friend tell me the other day after asking to borrow money and me saying I can’t help him buy for his family because I can’t do for my own. I am not working. HE told me I was lying I did not have cancer and I was not sick because he seen a picture of me drinking on face book and I look fine on there. I couldn’t even believe a friend would say this…. Then I took back the statement because he wasn’t a friend just another person wanting to get a handout. Had been that for years I am just very naive. Not to mention I really just have a giving nature. I get lots of gratification giving more so then receiving. I was really petty and sent him some shitty messages back and pictures of diagnosis. Then I blocked him as I do anyone who doesn’t trust me. Time is to limited to waste mine defending myself. Trust me or don’t that is your choice. I don’t got time to prove anything to anyone. Not like I was  actually social with them. I can count on one hand the amount of ppl I have been social with outside of family in the last 6 months and I can use the other hand for the family. The other day I went out to Dinner. I was crying like crying in line because I could not handle speaking to place my order. It was like a create your own place and I needed to interact I can’t bring myself to interact anymore I was shaking and in fear! What the hell is wrong with me. I use to be the one who ordered for everyone when we grabbed food cause no one else wanted to tell their order and yet here I was in a complete panic. I had to ask Mr. Amazing to order for me. Which even that made me more anxious. I went to a both the furthermost corner from the counter and the door. I put my back to everyone and let my focus be on him. I got through the dinner but it wasn’t to pleasurable. Every time the door opened I was jumpy. I have stopped taking my meds feeling as though the chemo meds altered my emotional state. Today Malachi had a friend come over and I was up in bed as I said was a high pain day for me. She had come in and I didn’t know the kids let her in and I didn’t see her till she was in my bedroom door way. My heart was racing and I kept having to remind myself to make eye contact. I don’t try to be rude I just don’t enjoy any socialization. I lack the skills i guess. This blog is the extent of me talking to anyone these days. Anyone adult anyway. I hang with the kids all day long. Baked us some snowmen cookies today even though I was hurting. Tomorrow is trollz. Watched movies. They ate way too much food in my bed and I am sure the crumbs will give me regrets….. Its getting hard to stay up and type now. Tomorrow I have a family movie preordered. Hailey and I both read the book.Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (Miss Peregrine’s Peculiar Children) I can’t wait. Hopfully tomorrow is better then today.

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