What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So obviously I was a teen mom. I was 17 while pregnant with Allen turned 18 shortly after he was born. I remember feeling nothing but Joy when I found out I was pregnant. I called my best friend Kimmie  who had the funniest news on the other end of the line. She too was expecting and had just taken the test. Both of our lines were faint and we both took a second one. I was living in my grandma dee’s upstairs. Keith and I separated shortly after finding out I was pregnant and he was thoroughly convinced I was a lying whore and it could never be his son. His mother firmly felt the same. In fact I still have one of those little cassette tapes that went into the old time answering machines with the messages both left on my machine that Allen wasn’t Keith’s and they wanted me to stop contacting them. I wrote a letter after every doctor apt to Keith anyway and I sent ultrasound pics and every update I could. I didn’t want Allen to think I didn’t try. My own family was no more excepting then Keith’s was. I mean who wants to hear that their 17 yr old rebel child is now pregnant with a bastard child. My mother wanted me to abort my step dad wanted me to place him for adoption. My grandma dee wanted me marry keith. I was just elated. All I had ever wanted in life was to be a mom. I didn’t however plan to be so incredibly sick. I didn’t leave bed much I was constantly puking crying and telling Allen that I would always be there even if I ended up being all he had. My mom finally accepted things around 6 months pregnant or so. She ended up having a baby shower for herself. I think her co workers had thrown it or something. I never told her but it had crushed me. I had wanted a shower so badly it was my first baby. I didn’t have friends and I didn’t have family that was supporting of me being a mother at that time so I didn’t get one. My mom got tons of stuff from the one they threw her though and I was grateful for all the stuff that they had got me. I completed 4 parenting courses while pregnant with Allen and I must have read over a dozen books on parenting. I wanted to be so prepared. My outlet back then was painting. I am not sure I had any real talent but I loved it whole heartedly. I had stirred my paint with a coat hanger a metal one. The paint was red. My grandma dee was extremely nosey. I don’t know why but she seemed to feel I had given myself an abortion with that coat hanger. She and I got into a altercation she slapped me and I pushed her to leave and she pushed back leaving me to fall into a table. Table busted everywhere I called 911. The police came and I was taken to the hospital they ran test to see if I had ACTUALLY tried to abort my baby I was infuriated anyone would even accuse me of such a thing. I wanted my baby more then I wanted my life. I moved in with Kimmie that day. Later I moved with my mom again right after Allen was born. I stayed there until 2 days before my 18th birthday. My parents had made it clear when I came home it was only until I was 18 so I babysat my brother and another little girl that summer at my mom’s while I learned to be a mom. I ran back to Keith when I started to feel desperate as that bday approached. I wish I had never done so. Wish I had gotten away and stayed away.  I never asked my mom or rik if I could stay longer I packed myself up and ran as I always had. I remember that I use to keep a light on all night long when allen was a baby so I could see him breath. I would put my hand on his chest often making sure I could feel his heart beat. I remember him being colicing one night and I cried begging him to tell me what was wrong I had tried everything. I was asked if I could go back and not be a teen mom would I have waited. No way would I have waited. Allen was the best thing that ever happen to me. I have no regrets there was nothing I missed out on to be his mom that I could have cared less about. I drank choc milk all day long for 8 months because I couldn’t hold a thing down. Carnation breakfast became my lifeline and if I could go back and do it again I would. Lived in 4 home during that 8 months. Never felt wanted at a single one. In fact outside of living with my baby daddy I’ve never felt wanted in any home. Knowing my kids will never feel that way is priceless

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