What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

At the young age of 21 I was faced with a nasty bitter divorce. The one my parent’s had warned me was coming. In fact that stated it was coming before the day I even said I do. Then there was the custody battle. If I thought the divorce could not have been more emotionally traumatizing the custody battle made that look like a cake walk. The man who hit me, cheated on me, degraded me, the first man I had said the I love you words to. The man I first bore children with, the man I became an adult with. He took my submissive nature for granted abused the power I so willingly gave. I antagznized the hell out of it though. Because getting my ass beat getting cheated on watching him be with another women ( yes I laid in the bed while he was with babysitters, friends, strangers) that was better then the lonely feeling inside when he paid no attention at all. So in the midst of the custody battle I had to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. ┬áKeep in mind I did not have my children living in my home at the time of them evaluating me. The low I was at when I walked into that room I can’t even find the words to describe right now. Suicide was a very heavy thought every single day I didn’t have them. In fact without Chuck stopping me at every single turn it may have happened at some of those points. Anyway back to the evaluation. So I went through hours of ink blots and questions. Testing that I could not understand at all. Even math questions that I couldn’t find relevance for. Followed in the end by a drug screening. The evaluation totaled in over 32 page report. I paid for a copy my ex-husband had called me bipolar and crazy over and over I think I expected to see something on this evaluation. I feared it that there could be something that could mean me being a “bad mom” I was however not bipolar or crazy. In fact the only thing that the shrink had stated he was concerned with was unhealthy relationship with men. I was incapable of understanding or having a healthy relationship with any man. He stated at the time he felt it wasn’t having an effect on my kids but it could in the future. Boy was he ever right. I mean couldn’t have been more accurate. I feel like one relationship pretty much had the greatest negative effect on my kids. I allowed one man to come above everything. Friendships,family, freedom, stability, I was willing to literally give up anything for him. I did just that. We meet at the same time I had meet Keith. In fact he was at the time living with Keith. They were distant cousins ( so they claimed other family members aren’t so sure lol ) they worked at truck stops next door to each other. Both having about 5 years in age on me and I am a mere 15 yrs old. The two men had a trailer in the middle of hillbilly ville. In the sticks on some side street you only drive down to get high and cruise. No where in walking distance at all. Jeff use to get Keith to lay off me. He would distract him from being angry at me for whatever the reason was. Jeff became my protector I knew if he was there I had nothing to fear the day would go smooth and there would be laughter not tears. He and Nikki both were my family. In the moment they were all I had in my mind. As I had cutt ties with pretty much my entire family. I had slept on a porch with Nikki for weeks prior to us moving in at Keith’s. Jeff made everyone happy. He brought a lighter side to the room. I remember him chasing me around the house I was in a towel he never took advantage ever. I think that may have been what initially stole my heart. We spent so much time together and he never crossed the line other then trying to pull my pubic hair out with pliers lol jokingly making fun so I’d shave. I was 15 and clueless mind you. Soon after Keith got so jealous of Jeff with Nikki with me with everyone who came over really. Jeff was who they came to see in Keith’s house. Jeff failed a drug test and lost his job at popeyes. I was devastated as I worked with him and loved it. Keith used that as an excuse to kick him out of the house. Not to long after him and Nikki both went on the run…. They asked me to come but I was pregnant and stayed to get married. Jeff and I never lost contact though. We had gaps in speaking but always found our way back to each other. He was on the run calling me from girls phones while they were at work. State after state he was in. I remember running one night in the rain cause I had talked to him at Jessica’s and the phone died or ran out of mins and I ran home to continue to talk on mine. Soon he was arrested. Prison sentences are the worst. Letters came and went day after day. We wrote constantly. I ended up divorced we wrote letters through that…. I began to tell Jeff every detail of my life. We shared things I have never shared with another since. He shared things I am sure he hasn’t shared with another either. In fact I know he hasn’t. We had the most open communication I have ever had with anyone. I think outsiders often thought we were dishonest but that just wasn’t the case. Letters went on for years and years. Phone calls. Money orders. 7 years went by and now he was out….. I was dating eric I was at his house in fact. Soon as I got word I had to be with I had to see him. I was so excited. I broke up with eric on the spot I told him where I was going I mean 7 years of letters and we had said when he got out that very day I would drop anyone and everyone for him. I was doing just that…..I got there and it was awkward I didn’t have the words….. Scared and nervous I barely spoke. We went from place to place barely speaking texting here and there about the kids. Little did I know he was also texting a friend. I later found out and he later went to be with her. I was crushed…. he had just betrayed me in my mind and so had she. Although I am not really to sure if anyone realized how much he and I had planned our lives together when he got out. How sure I was that he was the one I would spend forever with and that he was coming home to me. Soon after he married that friend.. I stayed away. I put as much distance as I could to heal my heart. When some time had passed and I thought my heart was safe I started to come back around. It was a huge mistake on my part. It wasn’t long before he was running his hand gracefully across my face as I lost myself in his touch. Standing there in his wife’s home. Her parent’s home in fact he was kissing and touching me. I wanted to tell him to stop I just couldn’t. For so long I had waited for him to touch me in this way. Now he was how the hell could I tell him to stop how could I walk away from something I had longed for for so long. He spent his time saying every word I needed to hear. He pointed out every fight and argument he had with his wife. He begun to work on my tat work.. This too was an excuse for him to touch me and me to be touched by him. His breath down my neck his kiss it all made me crazy. He was however married it only took so long before that sank in. WE didn’t have sex together at all during this time. I in fact drowned myself in the current relationship I was in going so far as to get married trying to keep myself from Jeff. I remember him texting and begging me to not get married. I went to him to tat my husband’s name on my arm not that I wanted his name but that I wanted Jeff to hurt as he had me when he got out and didn’t chose me. So I got married….. 3 days later I showed to jeff and his wives to buy smoke…. but she was just leaving. He asked for a ride….. Pulling into this factory type building there we were in the back seat. Adultery, betrayal, deceitfulness, desire was burning. He pointed out even more that his marriage was in shambles. I seen them fighting I heard her say she was unhappy… but I couldn’t be the other women. So I told him that he needed to stay and I had to stay away. HE told me he was leaving her that night. Told his sister the same thing. I didn’t believe him but I had already left my husband. I hoped and prayed he would call that night saying he left his wife come get him. He didn’t call I cried myself to sleep. 7 am my phone was blowing up! Guess what he really did follow through he left her. Now here it was in my face all I ever wanted. But now I need to give up my best friend I will ruin another friendship and honestly in the end I lost many many friendships for this unhealthy tainted love. IT didn’t matter though no matter what anyway said to me he was all I could see. I had tunnel vision and I only wanted him. We ran away together that night hotel room after hotel room. I spent hundreds of dollars. Took money from my kids from my families needs to be with him. Eventually the money started to run out and I needed to get home. He moved in with me and the chaos continued ppl showing at my house face book messages. I never ever thought how unhealthy it was for myself or my kids. My kids adored him the time he was with them was wonderful he was at their school parties field trips he helped with homework. He was perfect in my eyes. WE danced and we laughed and never raised our voices. One night we got a little to drunk. IT was new yrs eve we didn’t have the kids and we ended up having an orgy. Yes I know way out of left field with that one right. It was and I got emotional I left he ended up leaving my house thinking I wouldn’t want him there anymore. HE ran to his wife. Calling me from her phone from others phone who were around. I had slept almost the entire day away waking to all these missed calls and messages realizing what I had done. I went back and got him the very next morning. I spent my every moment with him after that. Neither of us worked it was like when I was in his presence responsibility went straight out the window what he said I did. It made no difference to me what it was taking from if he wanted money I gave it to him. HE was giving us all a reason to smile why would I not. Then we were served with a eviction letter. I had just went to bat with the landlord for him to live there now we were about to be homeless. It defeated us. He went back with his wife as I left him waiting for me at his grandmas to never return. He ran back to what he knew and I did the same. Getting back on my feet. The cycle continued again later as if there was a way for us to be in contact we were. Together again we found ourselves as he moved into his sister and mothers basement just blocks from where I was living. He once again got all my time. I spent night after night with him. Leaving my kids home with their dad. I handed him money I didn’t have to hand. I was right back there living on this cloud nine I couldn’t come down from. Until one night I somehow ended up at my own husband’s house. He had just got out of being locked up and recovering from a drug overdose and asked me to come see him. I got there and I cheated on Jeff. I called Jeff right away I told him I had to tell him something to his face. I left my husband’s and walked straight to Jeff he was standing outside in the rain waiting for me to arrive I think in the back of his head he knew what I was coming to tell him. As the words I cheated left my mouth the sting of his hand cross my face. Twice he hit me then grabbed me by the hair and bent me over right there in the back yard in the rain. That moment somehow I felt myself become even more loyal. He borrowed a bike from behind the garage at my house. I knew it was my landlord’s but he only borrowed it to run home and back. He wasn’t going to keep it. So he borrowed and put back every day for weeks and weeks. Then he pissed off enough of family and friends that they kicked him out. The bike was there at the time. Jeff had a warrant. Leaving out lots of details because this is already pretty lengthy the cops came to my house and because I was with him they were threatening me as harboring they were threatening to take my kids. Jeff turned himself in. This was him strengthening everything he had instilled in me about our bound and loyalty. If there were any reservations on trusting in Jeff before they were gone the day I watched him turn himself in. The entire way that played out. Later the bike was brought out. I claimed it as mine. Trying to keep him from anymore trouble. I claimed the responsibility and then I ran. Can you imagine mother of 7 now on the run? Yes, that was my life. I was willing to give up freedom, my kids, money anything he asked I would give up. I went to jail about 3 months after being on the run smiling in fact because I went for him I got to see him in the back. We talked for a good 50 mins before they separated us. As I walked by him in his cell he flashed me his junk and said i was his ride or die and he loved me. I got out just a couple days later. I was right back to writing letters putting money on his books. No contact order meant nothing to me. HE was again worth the risk. I couldn’t see how any of it was unhealthy my mind and my heart thought I had the perfect relationship. He didn’t come to me when he got out of jail. Excuses were a mile long as to why but he went back to his wife. Contacted me not to long after. There was even another prison stay that again I paid so much in money on books calls and commencesary. I took from my family without a second thought. The cycle seemed to continue forever. Until last yr he came here last yr and I put him up in a hotel. I allowed him to even have another girl there because I was working to much to give him the time he needed. Im not sure what happened one day but it clicked that it was so unhealthy that I deserved so much more so much better. That this man I was willing to put above everything was not worthy of that. As no man was. I don’t think he ever expected me to walk away but I did. I lost the love I lost it all I see it all now for what it was. I see the unhealthy actions I made the choices I made to put a man above my own kids. I will not ever make that mistake again. There will never be a dollar that goes to a man there will never be a man that can have control or power. I sat in my bed watching this show about women who spent life in prison and one women was there for simply covering for a man and that really could have been me. I would have covered for him for anything. I am grateful I have grown so much to see what isn’t healthy to see what isn’t right. I wish I could gain forgiveness for all those I hurt having such unhealthy relationships not just with Jeff but pretty much every man I have been with has been unhealthy as fuck. I thank God for showing me that now. Cancer showed me what I was unable to see for years. I only have one priority now. My blessing my children are all that I hold loyatly to. They are all I have room in my heart for.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.