I am currently laying in my bed with Malachi Ive spent all of today faking I don’t feel like death. I truly feel awful. My stomach is turning and I can’t hold down even a sip of water. My leg pain is intolerable. I just want so bad to be held and told it will be ok. I don’t ever want to leave my kids. The thought is unbearable. Malachi my most trying child has been at my side for days now. He has been incredibly well behaved and snuggly. He has slept in my room on a pallet he created on my floor. Im trying so hard to be me. Trying to fight to not let cancer change everything. But here I am today unable to climb from bed to stand and make lunch going to feed the kids frozen pizza. FROZEN PIZZA!!! Not my style not how I want to parent not how I want to spend my day. I want to be in the kitchen with the chaos of 7 kids trying to help me. I feel helpless and alone. Alone is the worst feeling in the world. My grandma spent so much time talking about wills and funerals and life insurance as my great great aunt passed recently without having any of those things and no one knowing any info. I found peace knowing I have all of that lined up. I am prepared to die. I will not leave my family wondering how or where they will put me. I created notebooks detailing everything. I have detailed notebooks about each kid as well their meds their triggers tips to how they learn best. I find comfort creating these. There are 37 pills sitting on my dresser…… 4 days since I have taken any. I just don’t want a life full of pills and surgeries and sickness………… So I’m back to avoiding doctors and the calls and the stack of meds they swear I have to take…. pretending it doesnt exsist…………………