What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Woke up to the sound of the bus pulling up to the driveway….. OH SHIT jump up race to Hailey’s room fearing the worse that Allen and Hailey didn’t hear their alarm. Hailey is puking her brains out and Allen and Malachi are both still asleep. Ugh okay Allen shower NOW!!!!!!!!!! Malachi get ready brush your teeth and take your meds. Me making a call to get the van started because you can’t drive them to school and have enough time to get the next set ready before the next bus. Van started Allen out the shower toss a pop tart at them and push them out the door. Later check to see if they were tardy………Whew not tardy success. Next set of kids Klowey had been up puking all night long. So she isn’t going Clare and Aj both up check clothes check teeth and send them out the door. By now my leg is throbbing I can’t remember why I thought moving my bedroom to the second floor was a good idea. Run to the St Vincent building in benton harbor the line is pretty long and the lady in the front of it name is unable to be located. I ponder is this worth it after all at this point I have absolutely no idea what I am in line for. I received a letter in the mail saying to be there for a Christmas gift. My leg pain often makes me not able to stand without tears falling down my cheek and letting strangers see me cry is just not okay. Luckily they move the lady to the side and proceed with the line. $50 Walmart gift card. Wonderful blessing. Off to Walmart 4 Christmas gifts, dinner, toilet paper, and razor’s for Hailey Jade all for under $50. While in walmart we run into my Grams. She informs me that my mom was really mad. And so now my family is re-invited to Christmas breakfast. I can instantly tell she isn’t thrilled. Not that she doesn’t like seeing us but she doesn’t like all of us at one time. Nor are they much for cooking for big families. I have no problem cooking I actually would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them to let me and Chuck take over the cooking of breakfast I mean it’s what we do after all it’s our passion. But anyway she proceeds to tell me how she has pans and dishes for me. That I need to stop by after walmart. Walmart has one line just one open line open at all. The line is wrapping down and around I debate once again is this waiting standing worth it. I had done all my shopping in record time ready to get back into the van and sit back down. Luckily as the debate begun in my head and the anxiety rose in my chest they opened a second lane one I was already in grabbing some yummy Gouda and chive chips. Which reminds me I need to make sure to vote for those later because they were just scrumptious. So we get out of walmart and now to the pet store because Little Foot is probably starting to feel like a Ethiopian by now from lack of crickets and he refuses to eat the meal worms or super worms I had purchased for his spoiled butt. In and out quickly at pet smart grab 20 crickets run to Grandma’s. I try to discuss with ¬†grandma how we can move things and put a little table in the spare room for the kids to eat at and to play a game and be out of the way on Christmas. She list the excuses and I just say well will figure it out. Knowing it will end up my way anyway no reason to argue now. LOl. Grams gives me some old shoes for the girls and cake mixes she found on sale for the holidays. 3 boxes of pans and pyrex cake pans. I was completely thrilled to have since I continue to have my dishes run away and never return. Leave grams and brace myself as this is day two of tackling all of Malachi missing homework. There were 19 pages of just math. I finally got his math book to get to all the pages so I could force him and supervise him finishing them. I walk in the door at the same time as Malachi and Allen. Malachi is already upset within moments as I state go get your homework lets go. I hand HAiley everything I had just got her for her project to get started as I supervised them both at the kitchen table. Malachi doesnt even read the problems rushes through the first page. Then there is a knock at the door. It’s Tommy Malachi’s best friend. In shorts mind you in the freezing cold having come from the other side of town. Malachi had to go tell his friend that unfortunately he was allowed to play. I hear him say ” IM AT MY MOMS SO APPARENTLY I CANT HAVE A LIFE TILL I GET ALL MY HOMEWORK DONE! ” Malachi back to your homework…… he storms back in angry that his friend wasn’t allowed to stay and wait. He now begins the meltdown. We have 8 pages 16 if you count each side as they are front and back that we need to get done today. I realize in that moment this is going to be a very long evening. I am already exhausted…. But I suck that shit up because this is the life I CHOOSE and I AM BLESSED to have it. So we begin the battle of homework. Handing it back for wrong answers. Handing it back for spelling errors especially when the correct spelled words are just a sentence above. It’s math it’s labeling it’s all right there. I don’t except less then his best. Dinner is done. Malachi Make your plate. Somehow while doing homework with Malachi and assisting in paper mache molten earth projects and of course the second bus arrived and that added reading logs for Clare and Math for Aj and Spelling for Aj got all that done and got some bomb bacon chicken ranch subs and roasted cheddar potatoes. Everyone stop and eat. Malachi make your plate get your homework and book in your back pack and get your shoes and coat on. I have to run to Chuck’s mom’s house she doesn’t have a furnace or even a gas line so she survives winter off space heaters and is in dire need of plastic put up. She just recently had foot surgery as well. So We load up Malachi and head there it’s already 6 pm. Help mom with the plastic Malachi still on homework while there. Again and again I am handing him the same pages back to redo over and over. Circle the answer. Where is the common factor…. where are the labels for the word problems……. I am going to dream his math homework. Finally it’s done. Chuck’s mom’s needs are all meet dogs taken out. Finally time to get home and crash. Pull in the house just before 8 pm. Ive been going for 13 hours. Laundry dishes cleaning cooking….. My leg pain has been about a 7 all day long. 3 times I now have had to get back up because Ky is searching for headphones or building a habitat for Little foot Go to bed…. but …… GO TO BED!!!! Mom since I got my homework done and did so good can i walk after school to do this and that…. NO GO TO BED! I am still unsure what isn’t registering with this if you can’t be responsible you won’t have privileges no sooner do I get into bed I get a message GUESS whose math book is sitting at grandmas. I have yet to eat at dinner I attempted a bite or two before feeling just completely sick. So I stopped. Now I am in bed with my stomach aching cause I am hungry but no way could I even try to make it back down the stairs to cook a thing. Another long busy day tomorrow. I just think focusing on sleep is in my best interest. Ill make pancakes and sausage in the morning and call it good. Now time to take my meds. the pill bottles have taken over my dresser. This is my life now these tiny orange colored bottles of these awful pills that I am not convinced is saving me in fact they feel like they themselves may be my death sentence. Am I going to take these tonight staring in the bottle….. Truth is I haven’t done much of anything the doctors say to do. If i try and it has side effects I can’t tolerate then I do not take again. I keep filling them thinking the doctor won’t catch on hiding the fact that I don’t take my meds like I should how adolescent. I swear they take me away…. They leave me unable to care for my own needs i get so sick and then the sweats and no no I won’t be taking these tonight…. sleeping meds only and goodnight.

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