What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

For 20 mins I have been going round and round with myself in my own head. Can you imagine 20 mins it took me to convince myself it was okay to say what I feel to feel what I feel. To not hide ,it swallow it ,forget it.  Another battle with Malachi tonight. I walked in the door from work. Did you do your bedtime routine…. everyone is grounded already i said…. It was 918 and bed time is 8 for elementary school and 9 for middle. They were all still awake. Malachi had gotten into my room ate fruit snacks that were put in my closet for the snacks for school. He hadn’t taken a shower but lied and said he had. I told him to go to bed he had to clean the bathroom in the morning for lying. I went to walk away. That was it I mean he lied consequence was there done with right…. NOPE not when he has just got back from his dad’s been off his meds for 4 damn days because they apparently don’t think he needs it. THEY just store a bag of meds and never give him. DRIVES me nuts since it take 24 hours to get back into effect after starting again so Monday at school is so difficult. As I am walking away I hear Ky scream NO and slam him self into the floor. I sigh here we go again I am just so tired already. Back to the bathroom what did you just say. This turns into a complete meltdown about Klowey not getting in trouble for eating them as well. Again ky is in trouble for lying he said he didn’t eat the snacks and he said he took a shower both lies. I explain that. As well as explain that when I was already told Klowey ate them I was also told by Allen that she ate them after Ky had said that they were his and was allowed. But of course when you struggle with adhd u feel like everyone gets special treatment over you. So I already knew his battle in his head. Upstairs we went now sitting and talking instead of him melting down. He proceeds to tell me that he is mad that Lexi was here. I didn’t know that she had been here that was Hailey breaking rules. We discuss that it’s not fair for him to be so harsh of her friends as she doesn’t do so to him. We discuss with Hailey that she isn’t allowed to have anyone at all in my house without permission and that lexi can’t be here without an adult. Hailey joined the convo during this time. So we discuss how we don’t choose friends for them or each other. Although she hasn’t gotten grounded from lexi as ky does from tommy because those are privileges to be earned we do not ban friends. The reason for that is we are raising leaders and we know that others can’t make our choices for us and that only he is in control of his actions and choices as Hailey is to hers not lexi or tommy. Next topic Keith and Amanda said that keith told me that he didn’t take allen to get shoes because they wanted to wait till after surgery. Which is a bold face lie that was never said to me at all. Not once. ALLEN IS NOT WITHOUT SHOES the fucking point of him needing shoes was he needed a bigger size to fit over the bandages for surgery!!!!!!!!! So THAT MADE NO FUCKING SENSE!! Excuse me as I am a total emotional mess tonight. And super furious. So next up is Allen and this Christmas present thing. Allen and I had a huge talk about it being a let down in the past from his dad he has been gotten gifts that he wasn’t allowed to take home and when came back they were lost or broken by other kids or packed from one move or another. Or he got them NOTHING MANY MANY MANY years in a row. How Is it then MEN get that option by the way to just decide what years they have enough money to get a present for their kids. Can you imagine if mom’s did that…………… I mean lets be real that is a fucking let down. OR we could count the year his wife got them a totsie roll bank……… WHILE THEY Sat and watched the other siblings open many expensive gifts….. then she tell me how she is so much better of a parent to my kids then keith because he didn’t care to buy them anything. In fact pretty much every time i am with her or speak to her it comes across as her putting his parenting down and trying to raise her own. Blows my mind really. So now back to this convo Malachi is telling me how Amanda and keith showed them they really got them gifts this yr they already know they seen so forth…. I want to warn them that none of that is really theirs! I mean for something to be your possession you have control of it. They are speaking of ps3 and x box’s and im just like that isn’t yours it’s not coming home with you….. you won’t have control over it. It’s not going to be like Allen’s that I got him that he takes with him everywhere and does as he pleases. (when not grounded from electronics) But I just tell them it’s awesome. So now they are telling me that Amanda bought it not keith because keith is broke he pays me so much in child support but amanda only gets 300$ a month. In my head I am wondering what in the fuck is she discussing her child support with them for ….. In my head im thinking again with this shit cause I swear it has already been brought up before kids don’t need to hear about child support but here we are again. I get a third of what amanda gets for 1 kid for 4 kids. And yet here we are my child discussing how I am taking all his dad’s money and now amanda has to take her kids money to support them. I am extremely frustrated at this point. Then there is this story that supposedly i sent another child to keith and amandas house to say my kids were grounded and needed to come home now. Amanda then tells ky that when he is at their house he isn’t grounded from anything with me. That they have different rules and don’t follow mine. So he will only be grounded there if he gets in trouble there.  So this basically means everything keith said about being on board with me and that his grades needed to come up and him being grounded there blah blah that was all just lies. Thing is this weekend was not his court ordered time. It was MY TIME so im responsible on my time for anything that happens. On my time it’s my rules….. If he gets in trouble in the trailer park on a non scheduled day that is on me. He takes them somewhere something happens again on me. Cause that is my responsibility and I allowed him there. A father isn’t daycare but in a legal sense that is what it is like. So if he is going to not care about grades and stand in my kitchen and bold face lie to me. I really need to reconsider allowing such a lax visitation schedule. Because I honestly have been trying so hard to work with them. BUT it’s just not working. They continue to have adult convos with our kids. Today keith was in my house for 30 mins while I am at work. Alone in my house!!! Without my permission. After spending all this time back mouthing me…. Telling malachi stand up to your mom tell her no. Like really ???? Why in the hell am I working with these ppl. Why the hell don’t I stand up go to court. Make his ass pay what my kids deserve him to pay. Why don’t I hold them accountable, why don’t I tell the kids what the facts are….. ugh stressed the fuck out. I really don’t know what my next step is with all this. I am losing my mind trying to co parent and raise teens. I tried to be on the same page that isn’t happening he def increases the bad behavior ten fold. Just from one kid tho. The one that runs wild and does as he pleases there. I can’t wait till I catch him smoking a cig with tyler who I seen three times smoking in the trailer park in the last week. Right next to his house and nothing is done. I am going to fly off the handle when that happen’s. When my son starts smoking cigarettes trying to fit in with his brother with a absent father and a oblivious step mom I am going to come fucking unglued. I had a lot more I still do but I am so tired my eyes are burning trying to keep them open. I need to get some sleep because this issue isn’t going to solve itself and at the end of the day I can’t control keith or amanda or anyone else for that matter only myself.

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