What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Well all the talk about keith with the kids…………somehow got me into my feelings about my own fathers or lack there of. I like my kids were blessed with two dads or maybe it was cursed because currently have none. My biological father was never there with a list of excuses a mile long. Spent way more time raising step children then he ever did his own. I have very few memories of him at all. I remember him showing up a few times and taking me to the loma…. first time or two he went to movie with me snored through the entire thing and then had a beer at the bar while I had a kiddie cocktail and then took me home. After that he stopped bothering to go to the movie with me the bar was conveniently located next door and he sat and drank while i watched a movie alone or with a friend i had brought with. I complained about my mom and he raveled in that. As I knew he would I knew talking about her in a negative manner made him happy almost and he at least would engage with me. I remember being 13 and it had been a really long time since i had seen him he showed and we went to the beach…. I remember him asking me if I smoked cigarettes. Can you imagine I can’t recall what brought it up or had it been random but I quickly said ya of course. I was lying through my teeth. I was super naive and innocent still. But guess who gave me my first cigarette. Yup dear old dad. I smoked from 13-24 reaching almost 2 packs a day at one point. Till the kids asked me to quit one Christmas cold turkey game over kicked habit that day. I remember moving in with him when I was 15 and having serious teenager issues…… We had been at grandma dees together and that was great to be honest as a kid grandma dee’s felt like home. It was where i was the happiest. Even though she herself was always pretty bat shit crazy. I loved her and my grandpa joe more then I can possible describe. Anyway but my dad wanted to get away from the bat shit crazy the steaming open his bills and checking through his things. SO we move to this tiny town called decatur. He gets this job at a snowmobile shop……. its across the street from the house. So I’m far from everyone and everything I know and I’m 15 living with a man I barely know feeling completely abandoned by the one raising me. ¬†Ya recipe for disaster. First day of school I end up with the wrong crowd majorly. My dad’s gf she hates me even talks of slitting my throat. There is literally no food I remember eating hash browns and bacon bites one day for like every meal. My dad was just gone idk where wasn’t at work though. I ended up staying on the phone a lot with friends from back home. I was not within walking distance to anything I was home alone pretty constantly I was bored out of my mind. No tv, the heat in that house was the worst heat i can ever remember baring through. It was awful. So I ran up a major phone bill. Then I almost got gang banged in the truest sense in my dad’s bed. I lost my virginity after he broke into a house and escorted me into it. I pretty much lost myself that one yr. By the end of school my dad was losing the house… lost the job…….it was my fault because I racked up a phone bill. My dad dropped off my stuff and me at a friends in town saying idk where your going to go but I am moving with my gf and she hates you so good luck. Now of course I don’t remember his words exactly but that was the gist of it. I can’t honestly remember how long I was homeless at 15…. I bounced from house to house did had done just awful things. I did acid for the first time drank for the first time. I continued to sleep with a very clearly known gang member. There was so much to come of that………I ended up faking a pregnancy to not have to do some drugs one night…. that got back to the mom I was staying with and eventually I called my own mom and aunt and I was picked up…. I continued the pregnancy lie craving that attention it was bringing….. to the point where I may have actually thought I was for a moment. After that dad found a new girl….. At 16 he took me to an amusement park let me get drunk and stoned with my friend. I remember her and I finding a group of college guys lying about our ages and partying all night long then amusement park all day next day. My dad even got high with us in the lines waiting for the rides and strangers had joined in. I remember thinking he was the greatest for that party life he gave me. I bragged about it to all my friends they all loved him. Every guy I dated wanted to hang out with my dad. Party with my dad……I can’t remember to many times as an adult that wasn’t how the visits went hey welcome to the party….. he was already 10 beers in and bragging how I never had a n***** baby. I stole money a few times …. some of that was for attention some was because i feared asking and I honestly needed it to eat or provide a serious need….. My dad is always months and months and months late to make plans with me for a holiday there is again like always has been a list of excuses as to why he can’t visit or spend time with me. I wasn’t and never will be a priority to him. Neither was my brother that he signed away so he didn’t have to pay child support. I hold tons of resentment toward that as well. I was close to dustin when we were little and punished when he just was no longer around as my brother because the burden to pay support for him wasn’t worth it for my sorry excuse for a father. I tried to speak of my feelings towards my father before only to have his family who treats me as a stranger backlash at me claiming i to struggled with parenting in the beginning………. That my dad has changed. I have never once seen a change. 2-3 yrs ago I had planned to go to a party at my dad’s with the kids at the time we had a new dog i had mentioned bringing him and my dad got super defensive that i couldn’t and that he wasn’t sure that there would be a room to crash in if we stayed and so forth. He hadn’t seen me in some time of course it’s always huge gaps in the time between visits……….and now he is making me feel as though he is trying to convince me not to come……….. There have been times as an adult I have loaded and carpooled and made the drive to see him (ive never had a vehicle that was reliable enough that i should have done that) and got there to find him passed out drunk already at the bon fire. OR to be so wasted that all he can talk about is how I have only white babies. I remember comments that i took as fat jokes while he was drunk. At the last party I went to my dad told me that by the time he got me I was already to troubled and fucked up to fix. Can u imagine and that wasn’t 20 yrs ago more like 5 if that. I was scolded by his family on my feelings toward him. I was told I have no right to say what I think or feel. I had no voice. I was a coward and let the pain eat me instead of saying your not my dad. You didn’t earn nor do you deserve it. His family said I myself am not or was not a good parent. Well at least I didn’t lead by example. I fell once no doubt about that was less of a mom then I should and could have been but I climbed back up and I fought for my right to be their mom I earned my title. I made up for all I had wronged. I owned up TO ALL I DIDNT DO TO BE A BETTER MOM CAUSE THERE WAS NO EXCUSE THEY DESERVED THE BEST ME PERIOD! Scott has not ever done so. I now have no contact with him at all. He was on my facebook I was allowing him the privileged of watching his grandkids grow in pictures but he got mad over a status about fathers and I removed him. NO one has a right to tell me that my voice and my feelings aren’t allowed. And I DO NOT HAVE A FATHER!

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