What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

On thanksgiving Chuck’s mom was able to meet her son she who was placed for adoption. She got to spend thanksgiving actually with both of her birth children. I went to visit her today excited to here how it went. As a birth mom I was so excited for her. She gave me the most heartfelt sadness when she told me that the adoptive parent’s didn’t give her letters or gifts to her kids. As tears flowed down her face and she told me that I just must go meet Luke. That it was the most incredible feeling in the world. She spoke of the anger she felt towards the birth mom for with holding so much from her kids. For keeping two of her children but not the third. I found myself withdrawing from the conversation. Although I did explain an open adoption doesn’t legally mean what she had thought it did. There was nothing unlawful about them with holding the gifts or letters. I thought about how I would feel if that was me. I don’t think I could be angry. I think I took my time to very carefully choose Luke’s parent’s. I know that anything they would with hold is simply because they are being the best parents they know to be. It would be from a place of love and never to hurt. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I long to meet Luke. I would love to have some type of relationship even more so because I may not live till he is 18 and I would hate to see him hurt because he never had that chance. My concerns are Luke’s feelings and His parent’s I in no way would ever want to make their job harder. The questions that would arise. I mean there are 7 siblings here my house will look like so much fun. That could bring hard questions and hard statements. I am struggling for the words to express how I feel. I know that my kids often use Keith as a way to lash out at me. It’s also “the fun place”. I don’t want to become that for them. I don’t want to make parenting harder for them. I also don’t want them to create distant if meeting makes things emotionally harder. I would rather watch him grow from a distance then lose that….. Everyone seems to not understand how could you not want to see your son talk to your son. Everything in me wants to see him touch him hold him kiss him. Play with him get to know his personality. But birth mom’s chose to love from a distance. I do not want to make his life harder…….. or theirs………………………But maybe im over thinking and it wouldn’t be like that at all. I guess this is the part where I wish I had take the adoption services so I had someone to talk to who had been there…. Those I know just have such different feelings then me. They have extremely negative feelings towards the birth parent’s the process all of it. I don’t have any of that. I have and had sorrow of course it’s a pain you can never imagine but not negative. I’m not sure I’m even explaining this well.

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