What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have to say this thanksgiving wasn’t like any other prior. Myself and the kids weren’t invited with my family. Apparently they didn’t think I wanted to come. Or we had to many kids to fit. I don’t really know what excuse was the one that they made the decision that we wouldn’t be included but we weren’t. Truth be told I wasn’t too bummed not like I thought I would be. Hailey made the decision to go with Chuck’s side of the family. I think she was feeling left out by ours and the offer had been put on the table a few months prior by papa Jerry’s mom. Later after her making plans to go she found out her dad’s brother who had been adopted at a young age would be meeting his mom and hailey and the family for the first time since. She was so excited that there was no way I could selfishly say please stay home with me. Although it was all I wanted to do. Plead her to stay and snuggle with the rest of us for the day. I woke up early thinking I had to take them but plans changed a million times like always and she ended up being picked up around 8am. Chuck ended up staying. Thanksgiving morning I was feeling extremely tired and drained. Chuck and I floated around the kitchen together and had thanksgiving ready and on the table before noon. Kids ate played outside it felt like a normal day. Malachi, Clare and I spent hours coloring. I think I completed like 4 pages in my book. We lounged watching movies. It really just was a lazy laid back day. By 6 pm my daughter was having the same lonely feelings I was having missing her. We video chatted and My mom stopped by briefly. She brought pie. I didn’t have the heart to tell her we already had 5 pies lol. But I’m sure it will get eaten anyway. She discussed how she had to tell my family that i was to be included for Christmas. I instantly found myself getting negative. Feeling negative. I mean she was sitting in front of me telling me the excuses once again they had to uninclude me and even more importantly my kids. I can’t figure out why everyone gets so angry that my baby daddies and their families are so close to me. Someone has to fill the family void for me and the kids. They do. I honestly can’t imagine not having them. Even though I wasn’t with them this year for thanksgiving either. I was invited it was a well known fact that our presence was wanted. But our food at home was good and I was with my kiddos all day snuggled quiet and peaceful the entire day was. When my mom came so did keith and chuck’s dad. Malachi, Clare, and Klowey all made their exits to see other family. Hailey won’t be back till later today sometime. Allen will never leave his mommy lonely on any holiday thank gosh at least one is a momma’s baby lol. No paytyn would never leave his mommy either lol. I think I was in bed last night by 830 pm. Awake now in a dead silent house lost in my head and feelings.

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