What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Last night Aj had 3 kids spend the night with him. I didn’t sleep much with the herd of elephants upstairs playing. I woke up super early trying to get some amazon advertising done switching the endless laundry and covering up rugrats that I found scattered all around the house. At around 9 am my ex husband calls. He asks to speak to Allen. I dread climbing out from under my nice warm blanket to go get Allen who is still asleep the whole house is in fact. I do it anyway tho knowing Keith is out black friday shopping thinking maybe it’s about shoes making up for the ones he didn’t get him. I hand Allen the phone he is pretty incoherent. At this point I realize the playstation is still on and the tv the couch pulled as close as it can get to the tv. Allen has been up all night. So his dad talks to him and he mumbles then drops phone and shrugs his shoulders. I grab the phone and keith is still on. He tells me he was trying to find out what Allen is into and likes for Christmas. I get off the phone feeling discouraged I mean truthfully Christmas is going to be rough so if Keith is actually going to buy them something it takes some burden off me! I was also having feelings about Allen always wants something from his dad now he calls and wants to and Allen wouldn’t even talk to him…. I didn’t take time to consider Allen’s feelings and got really upset that Allen had been up all night now won’t even give his dad respect when he is trying to do for him. I yelled at allen to get up and clean the living room and put furniture back. I told him he was wrong for doing that to his dad. But then Allen said why why am I wrong for not wanting to get LET DOWN AGAIN!!!!!!! And in that moment I realized I was the one wrong. Wrong for being angry at him for making his own choice. He does give his dad chances and he does get let down every time. Well not every but more then he doesn’t that is for sure. Allen’s feeling should have been my priority in the moment and they weren’t. Now I’m sitting here looking for the words to apologize to my son. And have his back that he doesn’t want to tell his dad something he wants to be let down again. WHen all he wanted was his time. I need to be more understanding cause God I know the feelings he is feeling all to well. 2 times over…… With both Rik and Scott…… Chuck is now comforting allen God blessed Allen with everything he needed and the number of presents under the tree isn’t gunna matter <3

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