What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I had wanted to write this yesterday when it was fresh in my mind and I was still very much in my emotions as the events that played out but as you are soon about to read I was extremely rushed and it was mad chaos until the point where I fell asleep mid Facebook conversation last night.  Okay so my day started at about 4:14 in the morning. I woke up after tossing and turning for some time due to the pain in my arms. It’s crazy the pain use to be in my legs. Dull in the left leg and stronger in the right. Now it’s my arm’s except it is much much worse then the legs were. It’s more often more constant and honestly it is having a huge effect. So I wake up and I take the what feels like a endless amount of medication. I am to the point now that I have a page in my planner with what I take when and I have to carry that in my purse not only for myself but because it changes so much if something happens and I go to er or ambulance you know anything I need to be able to tell them what I am taking and most I can’t pronounce let alone remember. I can remember my grandma Dee having a little memo paid and having to do the same for her and my grandpa joe. Except they were not 31 yrs old. So anyway back to the story the arms well they keep me up big time. Not to mention I very much am use to sleeping on my arm under my head. If I do that now I wake in tears it hurts so much. Even typing now I can tell I am making it worse. So I get up I medicate. Get the pain to a tolerable level before cooking breakfast for the minions 6 am hits. breakfast is done I wake the first set of kids. That is just Malachi and Hailey because Allen has surgery today again and isn’t attending school. I tell them all the reminders take your meds food on the table brush your teeth wear socks. Then I head to my room. I am exhausted of course and quickly doze off. Waking at 654 am. Oh shit make sure the kids are outside. Run to look no kids in sight anywhere….. did the bus come early??? Yell up the stairs hailey malachi….. gruntled what mom…. Time to go outside!!!! Hailey screamed shit! At that point I realized they had done the same thing I had done. They weren’t even dressed….. The bus comes in 6 mins. 5 by the time i had gotten done yelling to wake them. Kids flew down the stairs hopping around on one foot trying to put socks and shoes on while running out the door. Later hailey said she brushed her hair with her fingers on the bus lol. But both made it out the door. I stay up now to make sure the second half of minions get up eat and get to the bus on time. Everyone to school now time to rush to the gas station and put air in my front tire. The valve stem is leaking so this is a routine task now. Race to st joe to drop off chuck at work. As I pulled out the driveway at home I realize hailey’s window is open wide open with a fan…. I am heating the outside again. 🙁 ugh no time to shut it just pray to remember when I return home. Entire time to drive to st joe I am thinking about that window. How my elect bill is already 200 and gas 600 I can’t even imagine adding heating the outdoors. Ugh Her room is on the second story and the first story is very large and open and much cooler. It’s also where the thermostat is so 68 down stairs it’s more like 78 upstairs. Get to st joe jump out the van trade seats with chuck. I sat and took a deep breath I was in for a long day and I already knew it. Chuck runs to unlock the door at Tim’s and brings me back the key. He begins his 14 hour shift at 830 am. Now I am racing to get home to that damn window that has still not left my mind. Pull in the driveway race in to tell Allen to shut the window. Turns out 3 were open 🙁 Oh my goodness. Now time to fold 7 baskets of laundry wash more pick up the house check on my amazon. Wait pause Paytyn is coughing so that puts a stop to everything in my world. As just two yrs ago Paytyn got rsv and pneumonia  and  later asthma was determined. So scary that hospital stay with him. And that happened twice now. While checking on Paytyn I discover both of his eyes are pink and crusty very pink in fact. But Paytyn also doesn’t have working tear ducts we postponed a surgery to correct them because it wasn’t creating any issues and was something he would possibly grow out of. So why put him through it. So he has had about 3 eye infections I assumed were pink eye that were really just a result of the tear ducts. So I give him a compress clean him up wash his hands a dozen times give him some cold meds and put on finding dory. Wake up Allen to get into the shower to get ready. Back to mass cleaning of my house folding laundry and now calling to set up an apt for paytyn at his doctor. While on the phone I remember allen is seeing a new doctor today and he will need his insurance card if i can hope to get any relief on this bill. Stress out searching everywhere to find it I mean seriously I just had the thing at the dentist last week. It’s just a copy so I guess a pc of paper isn’t so easy to keep track of. It’s time to pic up hailey for her apt now…… shit fine tell allen to search for the paper while you take hailey. Race to the school grab Jade take her to her apt. After she is starving …… Ding ding I have a taco bell gift card in my purse I can’t believe I finally remembered to put that thing in there. It’s $20 you can get a boat load for $20 at taco bell. Race over to taco bell in st joe. Grab a couple five dollar boxes one for the daughter one for Mr. Amazing grab me a burrito which now thinking about it holy shit I didn’t throw that thing up! Win for me!!! Run over to his work park in the parking lot and send him text to scare him that he is in trouble and has some explaining to do… giggle while you eat your burrito with your minion cause you know he probably really did question if he did something wrong. lol. Got to spend his 30 mins with him and hailey jade eating lunch in the big ole trash can of a van. I really need to remember to clean that thing sometime soon. lol. Soon as he leaves to go back to work I am on a mad rush to get home worried Allen hasn’t found the card. Get home Allen is waiting at the door I found it mom it was in your computer bag. Completely made sense that it was in there since I take my laptop pretty much everywhere with me these days. I never check the card though. I go back to putting away all the piles of laundry I had folded. yelling to allen for him to get ready find his slippers. He turns simply to pass the task to his sister hailey please help me find my slippers. I go to my room get dressed put away all the clothes switch the laundry one more time. I throw in two corn dogs and grab a can of apple sauce to feed paytyn. Allen had already cooked for himself and ate the breakfast I made. I run thru the checklist of what I need for me and allen to leave. I have 10 mins to spare here I stand making sure I have everything thinking I am on time on a roll…. allen where is the card???? Right here …. that is def not a card…. not even close….. the ins card is mia. now I have 7 mins to be out the door and I am in a total panic hailey me allen we are all searching nothing…. ugh throw allen the phone call keith we have no other hope. Allen gets his dad to pick up after what felt like endless ringing. He is on the road and not in state. He said to call his wife. We don’t have the number or time you call your wife tell her we are on the way. Allen and I jump in the van. Only to notice my tire is once again flat. Who has time for this really????? Race to my ex husband’s wife. Remembering then why yes it is sometimes helpful they only live a mile away. Allen runs in and grabs the card and I put on my shoes which I had grabbed and threw in the car on the way out as I had no time to put them on. Allen gets card and we are off to ….put more air in the tire. At this point it 240 his surgery is at 3 I have never been there and I don’t have gps. Not to mention I am seriously awful with directions of any kind. Air in the tire and go….. Im on the road and it’s just not here lost can’t find it driving in circles. Stressed to the max. The vibration in the steering wheel on my van has my arms really aching I have tears flowing from the pain. Where is this stupid place. Okay deep breath drive back to Mr. amazing’s work. pull in and text him to send u the directions from there. He is on the clock at this point…… HE calls anyway lol because he is after all Mr amazing. He talks me through directions from his work. I FIND IT!!! We walk in the door at 301 we have made it!!! The lady ask for my ins card and I hand it to her. We don’t take this kind………….. what ???!!!! Uh I already called you said you did. well this one specifically isn’t in our network now. What the hell does that even mean…. I mean why tell me to come and you take if you don’t why didn’t you run it when i gave you the numbers. Me okay well oh well he needs it ill pay. She tells me that they can’t see me without insurance. WHAT!!>>!!! I just said I will pay for it. I am raising my voice now because my kid has just been in pain entirely too long for this to get postponed again that is not happening. The lady goes and gets someone else. It is clear she doesn’t want to deal with me and trust me the feeling is already mutual. Next lady comes ask for the card and makes a copy. It is in their network it’s new to it not from it. And I still have a copay but i charge that and into a room we go. Allen is shaking scared i hold his hand comforting him. Nurse comes in and states she doubts anything gets done today because both toes are very infected. And again I am hyped up…. OH HE IS DOING SOMETHING FOR MY KID TODAY! Allen has had this postponed a few times now where they keep cutting him draining him and dosing him with all kinds of antibiotics none of which has helped it has all made it much worse and is painful in itself. Nurse says well we will see. Doctor comes in and talks to Allen and I both like we are two telling us everything we already know and have known and then telling us he is going to do exactly what we had told the nurse we wanted him too. But he can only do one at a time and there would be two additional surgeries after that as well because he needed to insert a chemical to kill allen’s toe nail and prevent from regrowth. Allen got 4 shots in his toe and a 1/3 removed on each side of his right toe nail I cried. HE was so tough though of course. It looked very gruesome. They hung allen’s foot over a metal bowl to catch the blood that was about it for me. This was just half of my day I have so much more and it just continued to get increasingly worse. to be continued………

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