What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I think there is no greater pain for me then when myself or someone my kids love lets them down. Sadly I have more of those moments on my sick days where something is planned but im just too sick to pull it off. Usually I pull something off to fill the void and band-aide whatever it is they may be missing out on. Genuinely though I can honestly say I give 100% to never let them down.  I can’t say the same about other family members they have. I’ve been pretty known for if I think your hurting my kids I am quick to distance my kids from you. Now the ones hurting them most is living mere miles from us. In fact several family members from several sides are living miles away and causing such sadness for my rugrats these days. It’s that pain you can’t protect them from that hurts you the most. I wish that for a day I could pass to them my insight. Because frankly adults are just dumb. I’m sure that most of the let down’s aren’t really to intentional inflect pain or sorrow. But I’m sure some is foreseen and I think that is where my anger comes from and why I always create distance. If you know your about to hurt your own child or your own grand child or sibling and still that choice feels good to you. You have no longing to reach out and even make it right???? I want so badly to protect my children and just cut everyone out of their lives but is keeping all those they love away protecting them or inflicting even more sorrow….I look back to all the distractions I laid in place for all the times they have been let down and wonder if it worked if they seen it all if that pain deep down will rise one day. Were the trips to Chucke Cheese when another father stood them up enough to make sure they felt wanted? ?? Were the presents stacked high enough for them to forget who wasn’t there???? Yes it’s almost five am and I am laying in bed once again questioning every parenting discussion I have ever made and praying my kids feel loved and wanted always. Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)

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