What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have had a hard time getting my voice out for what I will and will not do in my fight against cancer. There are certain treatments that make me to sick to be a mom. I have really thought long and hard about everything from the very moment I got the Danielle I am sorry to say but you have cancer. I have an abundance of love and support. I know that if I choose to battle this in a way that left me unable to care for myself there would be people there at my side to care for me. My fear isn’t really that everyone wouldn’t do what needed to be done it’s that I have no idea when my time to go is. No one does not some doctor with a percentage chart based on my cancer growth, not me by saying that I will not take chemo-radio no one person can say my time span. God and only God has that power. Here is what I get to choose I get to choose that EVERY MOMENT I have in my life I live it to the fullest!!!! I am not willing to “fight” by means that takes my quality of life down in a manner that I am no longer happy. Spending 6-12 months in a “unsure” treatment that will tear my body down and leave me so vulnerable more then I already am in a house that has you know 7 kids aka a GAZILLION germs. I don’t want my life spent for even a week not be able to play my full time role as a mother. That isn’t the life I want. I am not saying I am not open to all options that I won’t fight like hell to beat this. Seriously of course I will FIGHT FOR EVERY DAY I can to watch my babies grow. But not at the cost where I am their burden. It was so easy to see after just a few treatments that I would be unable to care for myself. I am not afraid of death when it’s my time I will go to heaven and take care of my babies from up there too trust me. I worry some about where they would go if…. but that if could so easily be some other remote accident. I love my life as a mother it’s all I ever wanted in my entire life. I spend every moment with those I love and I hold them close. I am not spending half my time in a hospital bed if I can avoid it. It’s my life and my choice and I am not trying to hurt anyone making them think I have given up. There is no giving up on my kids never has been. I will fight to be with them always. I just won’t give up my time for a chance…… I will not be needing someone to change my bag….. I can’t do that. I’m only 31.

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