What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So I was sitting here hanging out enjoying the cubs game…. 7-0 jumping up with so much excitement I was…. Earlier I had more negative then I could handle so I ignored it. I was laughing at the man in the crowd that was shaking the box of coco krispies in the air for the coco crisp player.

When just like that tears flooded in……….. My parent’s got divorce this year more recently like this month…. For a few years I had really been struggling having a relationship with either… In fact I went to college trying to make my dad proud. I was 30 with no real desire for a career I wanted to be a mom. But that was never what he wanted for me ( I am not sure anyone did) It is my heart’s desire of course to just be home with my kids. Anyway here I go again on a tangent…. Back to topic. So last Christmas when they weren’t living together I instantly took to being defensive that he wouldn’t come see us for Christmas way before it was Christmas. I was right he didn’t. Prior to that I stopped being invited to grandma diana’s his mom’s. I was told because there wasn’t room for us. My brother went and still does. So anyway my families tradition has always been to pile into my grandma betty’s house and them cooking breakfast and us all opening gifts in a crowded living room it’s always been small…. so anyway one year we went to my aunt tina’s instead cause it was bigger we did it on Christmas eve instead. The next morning we still all ended up at Grandma’s cause that crowded living room brought us together…. Well this year grandma called me to say she thinks maybe i should come another day. when it’s just them there cause there isn’t space. and she will order a pizza or something. I don’t doubt it’s nerve racking for her to have us all there. I have a huge house so do other family members there are other options. I don’t want to come grab pizza and a tub of toys for the kids. That isn’t the meaning of Christmas…. So now no dad no family no nothing this year. And I’m just over here screaming like tomorrow is not promised for any of us why the hell is there a excuse for space to not spend every holiday as a family together!!!! And if im only included when convenient because I HAVE TO MANY KIDS DONT INCLUDE ME AT ALL!!!! I get ridiculed for putting my baby daddy family as my first call let me just say they would not ever MAKE ME FEEL excluded !!!! In fact they pile us in their trailer every chance they get. It’s half the size of any of my family members. They don’t mail cards they come visit. Do they screw up of course and i have my tiffs with them but they show up. They visit. They invite us all over. They are at kids events. They make time. I say my mom has been making a effort but it’s on her terms. Always something physical that she enjoys. I don’t and great encourage away but I’m exhausted and I save my energy for my house. In fact even asking me to be able to leave without all seven kids is asking a lot. It’s not so easy. Not to mention the moment I do if it’s anyone but chuck that has my kids I am totally freaking out worried. So that time away isn’t enjoyed. I worry more now about teenagers then I did about babies. Babies are easy feed them change them cuddle them. Boom happy baby. Teenagers……. FUCK TEENAGER YEARS holy cow….

That is another thing am I the only parent that checks their kids facebook??? LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!! teenagers 13 years old the way they talk to each other is horrible absolutly terrible. Hailey loses her facebook often over the topics of her facebook convos or shares. This generation needs to get stricter on these kids quickly. My daughter is now boy crazy… both dad’s being semi racist is that even a term idk… I mean both have had a few friends. But they make racist comments pretty regularly and don’t believe in their daughters interracial dating. Guess what that means to hailey…. well her dads both don’t like it two birds ones stone. Mixed babies are the only cute babies and constant reminder that she want’s only a mixed baby one day. Me Idc but lets get through college first right. Geez…. grades aren’t what I want them to be and I am on these kids asses I check grades weekly I am strict with chores and homework and even if you don’t have homework you have 30 mins of study time so no reason to lie and say you aint got it your going to be given something anyway. Still all the kids are not where I want them to be… I Am tired so tired. I spent all day cleaning cooking helping with homework taking kids to dentist. This is hard for any mom but with this results luming over my head….. idk 6 days i get results 🙁

I realize this may not even make since to those reading and it’s really okay it’s just for me personally to vent out my anxiety and guess what it helped…. I have let the tears flow and they have since dried… the headache has now came but I feel somewhat better…..

Man I feel like I just can’t get enough time with my kids right now every doctor appointment scares me more. This apt. I had to go in alone they wouldn’t let anyone in for the invasive test… I really just didn’t want to be alone. yet there I was…..

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