What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been some time since I have sat to write and many tears. I missed enough doctor apts. that I can no longer be a patient at my doctor per their policy. Some doctors we had called wouldn’t take me cause of the lack of insurance and some because of my age. I had quite frankly given up. I had even hung up on the last doctor office I had tried in total frustration. I had the page pulled up on the computer the results from a google search of doctor’s that treat cervical cancer in my area. Chuck without skipping a beat grabbed the laptop and took over where I had left off. I walked by the bathroom where he had shut himself in with my laptop and his cell phone. I could hear him what does her age got to do with anything she just get’s to die cause she is young and poor and has a cancer she shouldn’t have at her age. One woman heard his cry and agreed she got me in to another doctor. I have an apt scheduled now for Halloween. OF course my new vehicle yes that second one from same dealership it broke down. With 9 kids in it and 9 bags of Halloween candy since we were on the way home from the second trick or treat of the day. Can you imagine my anxiety in that moment? Let’s just say it was rough.  I don’t think I sat even five mins before one of my baby daddies parents were at my aide. Making sure that to assure me that another one of the parent’s would be fixing my van as soon as they could. I never even made a phone call that day on the side of the road there was not time they got to me quicker then I could even voice I needed help. Lol I guess it’s one of the benefits to having little adult interaction I over post on fb so it’s quite easy to know where I am. I really only leave now for things with the kids or doc. apts. Even the grocery store is exhausting. Can’t lie climbing the stairs to my kids room’s is exhausting, I have still been taking the oral chemo meds. as I was directed to. Still barfing just about a dozen times a day. I am down another 18 lbs over the last couple months. Course I get sick so much I live in pj’s now. Another reason why im mostly at home. I am still continuing to push everyone away. I am losing any filter I had for ppl . I am not afraid of whose feelings im hurting I am truly only about my kids. They are my only goal right now . I had  a will done. Did you know you can’t will your children. Aaden’s reality if something were to happen to me has really taken a huge toll on Chuck. He himself is crying often. He came with to a chemo apt. He spoke to my doctor’s office when I became no longer a patient and I think the reality has now hit him hard. He keeps asking me to do this adoption to talk to John see if he would just sign and not fight. I am not sure how I even feel about any of it. It’s been month’s since I have spoken to John. Yesterday was the first time Aj has spoke of him in awhile now. It’s usually triggered by seeing some of John’s family members and we did at the trick or treat. You know truth is anything can take you at anytime and when you make the decision to have a big family this isn’t something you think about…. The what if you can’t care for your kids what is your back up plan. Truth is Chuck or I are the only way for my seven to stay together…… That weighs heavy. Chuck has earned his right to be their dad. He has sacrificed even more then I have for them and he never had to. If I ever go he is where I want ALL of my kids to reside. I have complete trust and faith that he will raise them exactly as I would want and love them with his entire being. I now have enough life insurance money to hopefully make it possible for him to fight for that. I am in no way saying that the dad’s of the kids aren’t capable or that there aren’t other family members that aren’t. I am saying the best place for my kids is with their father. Charles Eugene hutchings Jr. I am saying he knows them better then anyone. He put more time in with them then anyone. He can name their teachers tell you what each would want on their plates for dinner. He knows who his daughter’s crushes are. He knows what their strengths and weaknesses are. He knows everything. He has given them unconditional love since the moment he meet them and some even sooner then that. I think I have told everyone that knows me that this is my wishes….. I set a legacy for my facebook lol silly thing to do right… I mean I have cancer I am not dying right….. To bad death is just constantly on the back of my mind. Im tired so dang tired. I need to get a ton of work done tomorrow got the house clean today hopefully get new wheels again because 7 kids have dentist apts this week 🙁

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