What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Yesterday was a very very long day for me. 1st thing in the am I had to take my daughter to the hospital. My day off from chemo and here I was sitting in a hospital. Not really thrilled right. Well unfortunately my children don’t have insurance. So to even be seen I had to pay off the past bill and new. I handed the lady my bank card without question. Never even crossed my mind to walk out. My child has a cut across her eye. I had called her father the night before asking him to take her because he actually claims to have insurance. He said he couldn’t. I hung up without anything further to say. He had been claiming for days he had the cards but now they were in Bridgman. Not that it would have mattered because him and his wife and kids have medicaid I am the one who pays his entire co pay as well.

It’s kind of funny though because Keith and well most men all complain about them child support payments. Keith even in fact complains to his own children about paying. It absolutely blows my mind. A man can complain about paying 13.75 per child per week in support. I sat in the doctor as they told me Hailey would need to see a specialist as they performed task to correct her eye knowing that I was once again caught in the quicksand of debt. Just 4 weeks ago Jade came home with an opportunity to go to Disney Land with choir. The cost being over 1000$ again this came home with 48 hours notice that she would need 160$ dep. and payments made for the trip. It wasn’t even my pay week. Hailey got what she needed though. This week I pulled out all of the winter coats and snow pants. there are currently 63 (no exaggeration ) sitting in the chair washed and ready for kids to try on so I can figure out if anyone needs new ones. They each get two pair every winter because one will be lost or broken at some point. I don’t live on any aide. I don’t receive any. I stand in line at a food pantry without a second thought if that is what it takes to provide for mine. It’s clear the moment you walk into my home my kids don’t go without. WHATEVER that takes. So how can a man complain about what he gives to help take some of that burden. Reality is that the child support I have received in the last 365 didn’t even pay for the toiletries in my house. That is honest and real.

SO anyway after the doctor Im already feeling pretty over whelmed with a handful of prescriptions and now two surgeries to pay for. I get home and the house well it’s a total mess. And for me a messy house is stressful. I climbed the stairs and go into each room and pull out all of the dirty clothes and clean folded but now dirty clothes from every crack and corner that the kids have shoved them in. Along with about 20 yogurt containers and silverware galore. I piled up the clothes into the hallway. So the kids could sort through them when they got home. I am trying to teach them not clean up for them. Malachi was the only child who came home on the first bus. My house rules are that after school u have 30 mins of being helpful and 30 mins of studying before you are allowed free time to go outside go to a friends or have electronics. So I explain to Ky that I had piled up the clothes that even though he no longer has a room on the second floor he still shares the closet space and his dresser is up there. His clothes were in the pile to it was everyone’s. He instantly got defensive that he wasn’t going to clean up there it wasn’t his room. Screaming he didn’t want to do it alone. I repeated to him that EVERYONE would be cleaning it. But since he was the first one home he needed to hurry and get started crack out his 30 mins of helping and then he would be done and be the first one out the door to go play. He said okay and off he went. 3 times I seen Malachi after that asking to have a snack asking me about something with church. So I had already known he hadn’t been being helpful for 30 mins. When the kids from the second bus came running through the door I gave them the same speel. Malachi was ready to run out the door his friend was here at this point. So I asked Ky to take me and show me what he worked hard on for 30 mins. HE takes me upstairs and shows me all of the clothes are already gone…….. He had shoved them all back under a bed. I felt so defeated. I just couldn’t believe that is what he had done. Then stood claiming he thought that was what I said was to shove all the clothes behind bed for the other kids to go thru. I told him he needed to pull them all out and redo everything that he couldn’t go anywhere. He said I can’t wait till I turn 13 and I can live with Keith. I turned around and said excuse me. He said YAY when I turn 13 Keith is taking me to the judge to tell him I want to live with him!!! At this point my emotions boiled over. I told him that wasn’t true that a child doesn’t get to choose. He screamed I was a liar and watch and see. He told me there he is allowed to fish and play he doesn’t have to clean up after anyone Amanda cleans like it’s suppose to be. Can you imagine. I told him that the judge looks at everything and decides the best place for him. I told him he can be mad at me his entire life but things wouldn’t change. I will still expect him to be helpful I will expect good grades and he will not get privileges without those.

Walking away I went to cry in my room. If you would have asked me a few months ago how I felt about my child’s dad moving to the same town I would have told you I was thrilled. I have spent 14 years trying to facilitate a relationship between him and his kids. I drove him the kids and groceries and cigs countless times so he was able to keep them for the weekend. Can you imagine his wife now ( the girl he had an affair throughout our marriage i didn’t know until the child supp papers came in the mail.) texting me a grocery list and me going and buying it…… including some expense ass coffee they had to have and a pack of cigarettes so that your kids can spend some time with their dad. I did that. Amanda just this week boo hoo to Malachi that her kids have never been trick or treating. AGAIN another LIE they tell my kids because I personally loaded her kids up and took them trick or treating! I have pics to prove that. In fact I provided the costumes as well. I have taken them to easter at our church as well. I have babysat them. But of course they seem to think telling my son he can live with them if he just tells the judge that is what he wants. Another lie of course because the judge makes the best choice for the child. So now the child I already struggle with the most is even more difficult. I am just trying so hard to lead him down the right path. I have given Keith and his wife their kids and dogs a place to stay when they needed loaned money when they needed and I had it. Yet they constantly make my job harder. Speak so ill of me. And quite frankly do not take the best care of my kids. Period. I mean they have had my kids for visits when my child slept in a bathtub with blankets covered in dog piss. Homes with roaches and I can’t count how many times I’ve picked up hungry kids that had nothing to eat. I have taken my kids to visitation in tents for God’s sake. I mean tents. I have taken pics of all of it and kept notebooks after notebook with notes of times and days things happened. Like this week when they sent ky to school with no socks or coat or sweat shirt even or his meds and sent him 1 hour before school even started. It shouldn’t have to be like this I shouldn’t have to keep records because he keeps threats I shouldn’t have to be struggling to get my child to listen because now he thinks he is moving out in 6 months and doesn’t have too. He is failing school again but of course that is no priority to his dad. Smh…. I found myself wishing he would just move away again because things run so much smoother when he is gone………..I ended up letting Malachi go to church of course…….I think he knew I wouldn’t make him miss that though. I put all the laundry in the dirty clothes and I’ve started that daunting task. Overwhelmed to say the least. If 15 yr old me only knew what 31 yr old me knows.

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