What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

With so much negative I thought I’d not elaborate on my horrible day today and only speak on the positive that happened today. Paytyn learned to spell his name. Gosh was he so excited. He now spends every single moment of the day with me. So he comes everywhere with me. So as we stood in line with probably 25 ppl which is hard for paytyn to handle. He doesn’t like big groups of ppl. So I distracted him. We counted cars and trucks and the red cars and the big ones and the ones that matched and anything else within an eyes glance that we seen. He’s been speaking much more about death…. not just me but about his great grandma who passed last year. He even remembers being sad I wasn’t there to hold him when he said good bye. He told me he forgot to tell her she needed to eat fruit and veggies to be healthy. The convo him and I were having as we were buying groceries at the time. He said all she ate was pills from that dumb lady that came over. He was talking about grandma’s home health nurse. Paytyn spent his dad’s last year with great grandma and papa and aunt cherry. I worked A LOT!!!! so if he wasn’t with me at work he was with them. Grandma passed I couldn’t be there because of work. It wasn’t but shortly after we found out I was stage 3b. I am absolutely positive this is playing huge role on Paytyn. I know that may not seem like a positive but knowing the cause it the start of repairing. Can’t repair what you are not aware is broken. He has been so well behaved for me for the entire week even over the weekend. Sitting in the van long waits at doc. he has still be so good. I’ve been proud. Tomorrow he wants me to teach him to spell transformers lol. So he can spell it to search for games and movies on his laptop. He said I just need to learn the shapes of the letters. I am not going to school but we need to get on this mom cause I need to learn !!! bahahaa I swear that was his statement word for word. trust me you can ask paytyn if you dont repeat him word for word he will remember he will call you out. He takes everything in a very literal sense. He soaks up EVERYTHING!!!! this older couple in line behind me today loved him to pieces and were discussing all kinds of sharks with him. All the kids came home from church and where they were playing on time. Everyone followed directions. Although it was still a stressful day a lot got accomplished. Kids are well taken care of. Fridge is stocked for another day or two. I got 8 cases of ninja turtle yogurt today…. I give it 48 hours. That is like real life in my world. Well im exhausted and I am off to bed.

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