What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I haven’t written in a few days…. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell the world my struggles. I fear being judge or it being used against me. But as I sat thinking about how this is my only outlet to let things out. That if I don’t I will take to my grave what was my struggles. Hoping someone else feels the same and finds comfort in not being alone reading this. As well as finding the comfort for myself that it is ok to be sad to live with depression and anxiety.

Paytyn hasn’t returned to school since being suspended. I never did get a paper suspension but again he hasn’t returned. His behavior did a total 360 when we stopped forcing him to be away from me. I get 100% better child as long as he has my attention. So I started working with him. He can already spell his name now easily. And proudly. The stress it put him and I both under to watch him struggle at school. To see him melt and take nothing from school other then it becoming a place he hated just wasn’t something I could do. So he’s home with me. Homeschooling for this year. Coming with me everywhere now. Which btw 2 weeks ago I could not take him anywhere he ran away from me he threw tantrums. We are back to none of that happening and he is perfectly well behaved and polite everywhere. Still completely shy though.

As bills are starting to weigh heavy chemo isn’t something I ever budgeted for. Not to mention all the kids medical needs I have been shelling out lately. I have been 100% overwhelmed. Everything that can go wrong has. Every extra burden that can possibly be piled on me is being piled on me. I felt totally out of control. I couldn’t calm myself and I needed to. I was completely alone in the house. Sitting in the bathroom tears flowing down my face. Yesterday Hailey didn’t come home from school. She was still there at a after school movie but I didn’t know about it and I couldn’t find her. I went into a sheer panic. Between that and everything else I found myself struggling emotionally more then I could handle. It’s been 5 yrs since I had last cut. This morning I could not stop myself. Of course Im not suicidal at all. I never had any intention of hurting myself. I needed to regain control and for me it helps. It instantly calms me. Gives me a feeling of security. I felt like I had regained control. It melted away everything. I took a deep breath pulled myself together and then unlocked the bathroom door as it had never happened.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember with anxiety a deep voice can often send me to tears even when it’s not directed negatively. In a closet crying to myself is where you can typically find me when I get to that point. Seeing Paytyn have struggles and Malachi tears my heart wide open. I spend tons of my time sitting with Paytyn helping him figure out coping mechanisms to calm himself. I never want them to feel what I do all the time. Alone in my head overwhelmed with thoughts and a million emotions at one time. Knowledge is power and I just keep researching keep my boys talking and making sure they never feel alone. My head is spinning not sure my thought process is even in order but hopefully this makes sense a lil.

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