What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

My gut hurts for my child right now. How could I fail him this much……… ???????I sit here on my laptop trying to grasp the words I just read in a email I had been avoiding all day. I knew it was there and would be since this morning but I just couldn’t open it.


Guess I should give the back story……….. when I got pregnant with Luke the situation my life I was just not able to do it. When I chose adoption it was because I had already had my hands full I could not and did not want to try to spread my time any thinner. Of course I wanted the best for Luke and the rest of my kids and home. At the time we were just discovering Malachi had adhd. A fuel tank busted we lived in a hotel room for months. Anyway I got my tubes clamped. I felt a huge amount of guilt after giving up Luke for adoption. I felt like he would feel unwanted that I kept 6 other kids. So while already emotional I go to the doctor and hear the words your pregnant. Can you even imagine!!!! yes this is my life. Not to mention the entire world thought I was faking it because my tubes are clamped. Or they think I faked that to get pregnant. I can’t begin to describe the emotional roller coaster that became that pregnancy. For the longest time I kept my distance moved to a town 45 mins away raised my kids and nothing more. Wish I had stuck to that and not ever left New Buffalo or let a man move in cause that was the good life. Anyway so Paytyn and I were super close. I never left him with sitters he went with me to many jobs and he only ever knew me. When i say close I mean we spent 10 hours a day just him and I talking every single day. Lol I mean like he tells me I’m his best friend and that he loves me at least 50 times a day without fail. Everyday since he was old enough to say it. He isn’t much for affection towards many ppl or to often except with his mommy. To say Paytyn is a Momma’s boy would be a complete understatement. So I tried to get Paytyn into preschool last yr. But because my income didn’t qualify he wasn’t able to go in our town and would actually be put on a waiting list to go at all. This in MY OPINION is where we are failing our kids. It made it impossible for a mom like I to send her son to that important year of school. My 4 older kids were the only one who had the privileges of preschool. Because at the time my income was greater and they all went to private school. And actually New buffalo I didn’t qualify either but when I explained having kids in different towns without reliable transportation would mean my child not being able to attend they accommodated me and let Klowey attend. I understand the rules some…. but I think they should have acceptations because we are e sensationally turning away a child from learning. So again to the point this year was paytyn’s first year and it has not gone well. He can’t control his emotions at all. He isn’t handling authority at all. He is cussing constantly he is distracting everyone. Throwing a spoon that hit the principle. How is he so upset and angry. How do I help him control his feelings. How can i make him love school. I know how much he loves to learn how smart sweet and kind he is. But im the only one who seems to see that side much. I know I failed him because their are no bad children just bad parenting. I just don’t know how to help him any longer. As my son is sitting next to me saying Im so glad I don’t have to go to school anymore!!! I get to stay home and do fun things with my mom. Lets do some learning adventures together mom. What you think? We could learn about God here…….. Hungry shark evolution will teach us about God. God made sharks. smh oh my goodness.




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