What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

To say I’m stressed out would be a total understatement. This week has been very trying. The van I worked so hard to get to fit my family and my extra kids broke down. The struts in fact came all the way through my floor board if you can imagine. As I climbed through the back seat of the van my leg falling through the now hole completely through the floor board I could feel myself just want to give up. Wasn’t even 3 weeks into the purchase. I had a clear title already transferred I bought it as is. This is clearly something I should have looked for. At the time I was desperate for transportation and to excited about the seating compacity to really pay further attention to everything else. I went back to the dealership lot where I had just purchased the van. Ready to scream……….I didn’t though I stayed completely calm explained the situation and without hesitation the man states “ill trade you back for another van” I can feel like stress and fear of being without a vehicle instantly lift. 3 hours later still without a vehicle that quickly came back. However I did leave with a new 14 passenger van. After driving it for the last 24 hours I fear it too may not be the most reliable. But at this point I have no other options. The guy could have just told me it was a finished sale and not helped at all. So for now I am back on the road.


While in the midst of all the vehicle stress my five year old was having a total melt down at school. I get the phone call right after leaving the doc and getting the new van. Stress already having been extremely high through the day. Now I have a melting 5 yr old on the phone with me having bad reception and can’t hear him. I think I was called to scold him for behavior but my only concern was if he was okay. I just can’t see him as the bad kid I think he is being made out to be. I have seen the videos of him not being able to sit still and him blurting out obscene remarks………I am on the phone while he is in the back ground repeating stop stop stop stop. I do understand that. But something is wrong. He isn’t bad to be bad. I know that sounds like a typical mother making excuses for her child. But lets remember I have MANY i have seen bad behavior and struggles. This is different. He truly has no control over his emotions. I am not sure if it’s from trauma of finding out the one person you love has cancer or the emotions from meeting larry after he got out of prison again. Or all the other changes that occurred this year. What I do know is he tries so incredibly hard to be “good”. The email I got and phone call was that he threw a spoon at his teacher. He told me that isn’t true he through it at the floor in frustration and it bounced and hit her. I can’t see Paytyn just trying to harm someone. I can see him frustrated randomly throwing something. I just keep thinking to myself if I could just understand what he is feeling and why I could help. I feel so helpless. Of course everyone around me is screaming beat his ass it’s cause you don’t beat his ass. I wish someone would put their hand on my child I promise it’s the last thing they would do. He doesn’t act like that at home at all. He completely respects me. Yes, he was cussing quite often for a min. Then we took away the electronics when he did and that nipped that in the butt almost instantly. Here he goes to his space when he is having hard time controlling emotions and comes back once he has settled. The environment at school isn’t allowing that. I think he is completely overwhelmed there. HE isn’t use to not being the center of attention either because he has absolutely always been mine. I wish I could take all this away for him. Make him enjoy school help myself and his teacher better to help him. Now he can’t go to school today which he is completely thrilled about. I have the fear in the back of my head that this will turn into a cps or truancy issue. The only proof I have that he isn’t allowed at school is a unofficial email stating he shouldn’t come to school and they have to give consequences…. With a number to call if I have questions. So now I feel like I need to cover myself as well as protecting my child. He can’t just miss school because they aren’t equipped this isn’t a teen that is out of control this is a 5 yr old who is clearly having some developmental struggles as well as emotional ones. I wish I had the answers right now to help him cope. To get him through the day successfully. My time is so short….. I hate sending him to school and cutting my time even shorter with him just for him to sit and be in punishment all day he clearly won’t be learning much from that. But apparently a 5 yr old gave an adult a nervous break down. Which again blows my mind completely. I understand it’s no one at the school’s fault for his behavior but to say he is giving you a nervous breakdown………… this can’t possibly be the 1st child to struggle with coming to school. Is there a lack of patience……. Is there a lack of things in place……….. what can i do how can I help my son?????? I have tried every single pep talk reward system and even consequences. I just can’t wrap my head around this being just him acting out for no reason. There is more to this. He isn’t just cussing and not sitting still because he has bad behavior. This is deeper. Adhd/ autism/emotional stress/ I wish I had answers. I am not in any means calling the school out saying that this is their fault. I am just not agreeing to him just sitting in a office or being sent home. Idk how or what the solution is just feel there should be one. So now I am going to spend today making calls to see if I can find an equipped school. Since this one continues to tell me that they are not. They can be but they aren’t.

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