What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

This morning has been rough by far the roughest yet. I got sick at the bus stop trying to wait with the kids and I wasn’t even outside ten mins. Of course my stubborn ass was also picking up and sweeping cigarette butt from all over the yard bball court and carport. I hate it looks trashy having them things covering your yard. I haven’t smoked in years no reason for it. So Then I go inside………One cough is all it takes. I am pretty positive the kids have now passed whatever virus they have to me. I no longer have control over my bladder at all if I cough, laugh ,sneeze, even crying..The cough also lead to puking of course so here I sat alone puking in the bathroom trashcan while peeing in the toilet. 🙁 How humiliating at just 32 years old.
Being alone of course made it much worse I had a family member write me and tell me how wrong I am that I don’t reach out and call my family more. 🙁 I can’t understand why knowing I am at my lowest point a family member would want to make a comment on what they feel I’m doing wrong. Even more so on my lack of contact. Did I miss something growing up………. I don’t think to many family wanted me in fact I remember being passed around a lot. Of course in my Dad’s famous word’s I was troubled. Lol A parent that can say I was already to fucked up by the time he got me there was nothing he could do. Yes this is where my head went sitting on a toilet puking…. to anger at my father… Idek. I don’t make time for family outside of my home I don’t go out of my way. I still remember my childhood. I kept my husband’s name and gave every single one of my kids my New name so I never carried mine on. You can’t blame a child’s actions on anything other then parenting. This is my opinion and im not attacking any of my family members for my child hood or their inability to give me what I needed. I don’t know what their struggles were or what they were faced with. I chose to not know since the moment I asked my dad. When i realized in that moment as the blame came from his mouth to point at others and take no accountability that it did me no good to ask. There were no answers I could get to justify what life was like for me. But the statement my father made about me being out of control having sex and doing drugs and drinking. None of that happened until the moment my mom handed me to him when I was 15. I had never done any of that. In fact the friends my dad thought were such horrible influences and the boy. I’ve never done any of that with. They were my saving grace. In fact the osborns being in my life saved me from a time or two of trying to commit suicide. I remember being home alone a lot and being scared to death and Krystal, and Jennifer would talk to me all night long till I passed out on the phone. I even remember watching Mad Tv. lol Chris and I had barely even kissed and that was a peck all those sleepovers that ppl assumed nope. Nothing The Chris I knew is totally different then the adult I am told he became. Sex was never even mentioned. We were just kids we played king of the mountain and ran around. I never drank none of that until I went to decatur with my dad. Life spiraled completely for me in fact after that year. The biggest mistake anyone made was allowing me to go there. HE had no idea how to parent because he never had. I remember him getting evicted and just leaving me. I mean the man legit left his 15 yr old daughter homeless. HOMELESS! With 20$ and my mom brought me groceries once. The things that happened that year… God no child just no child. How did peeing my pants turn to this. I have no clue. Emotionally drained and I can’t empty anyone because it hurts to much……….. until next time. 🙁

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