What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I genuinely get lots of satisfaction from pleasing others. I love to be helpful and I am truly a giver. It’s in my nature. That results in me constantly having others live with me. Giving a home to those in need. I often have many extra children around. It brings my heart joy to help. Truth is my anxiety goes crazy when I don’t help.. Lately Ive been able to do less for others. In return Im the victim now of many harsh words. Cause ppl don’t like to not be helped when they feel they are entitled to it. It’s a sad world that ppl come to expect hand outs. When they aren’t there they feel resentment.

Trying to now balance getting better and my household is difficult. I am at the point where putting my family first is the only priority. I feel like I have become a door mat. That things are no longer hoped for but expected. I make rules and boundaries for my home and they aren’t even acknowledged. I struggle to put food on the table because others find it so easy to walk in and help themselves. For a long time I have always allowed an open door policy for anyone under 18. There has never been a child I have turned away. In fact over the summer I had a child sneak in my home money turn up missing and my rules totally broken. That same child now calls me mom and visits and spends the night often. THERE ARE NO BAD KIDS. As I have started to limit who comes over now I am being shamed as a bad person. It breaks my heart to know that ppl I have done so much for now can become so angry when I am drawing a line. I can’t afford to feed extra kids while paying for chemo. I do NOT receive any state aide, I am not employed outside of the home anymore, things that weren’t serious before that I could just figure out. Aren’t so simple these days. I am worried for my own kids in the future and what it holds for them. To be disappointed in what I can’t do now after Ive done my best for so long is a slap in the face.

Stress is a huge part of my bad days. Stress, chaos, instability, are also a HUGE part of Paytyn’s bad days. I need to be the best mother to my own before I can mother anyone else. I feel for everyone’s struggle I really do. I actually have people making comments now that I put others children above my own. I can’t be angry since it’s a factual statement. I have made my children give up and angry and uncomfortable to help others. That is not right and it’s not something I can continue. Visit’s from anyone at ten pm on a school night is absolutely not acceptable. Asking if a child can spend the night in the middle of the night on a school night again unacceptable. These are things that aren’t going to continue. I have a feeling I am going to lose a lot of friends.

In no way do I love any of my extra children any less!!! God they are my blessings that I have been so grateful for always. I need to bring my family strength right now. I need to spend all my time with them. I need calm and stress free. And I need to save money and can’t afford any extra burden. I need to beat cancer. I need to watch all 7 graduate.

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