What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Today directly after my doctor apt was Paytyn’s. Since summer Paytyn has had extreme behavior changes. Anyone meeting Paytyn prior would know him as an extreme mommies boy who was quiet except when it came to marine life. Very sweet and polite and always saying oh my goodness. That is however not the case now. He has such little control over any emotion. His behavior is uncontrollable at most times.

So today was his well child apt. Paytyn’s pediatrician and I are very close as you can imagine him being all 7 kids doctor for the last 15 years and I partnered with him on countless studies. So as we are discussing Paytyn’s behavior and him starting school. He thought it boiled down to the cancer as well. Because the moment I found out my own emotions changed and Paytyn as close to me as he is felt that. It also is when things have become chaos again. As I am the glue for my family when I am in turmoil they all are. He absolutely didn’t think he had any autism or adhd. I was so very relieved and so very guilty at the same time. I am the reason my son is struggling. Get it together for petes sake I keep telling myself. It’s so easy to see to know what I need to done but acting is another entire obstacle that is far from easy.


I am of course laying in bed regretting every poor decision I made today. I keep pushing away those I should be allowing support me in this time. I have been growing closer to all the kids dad’s though. Truth is if I go the only way I’ll get them to save my memory with my children and respect how I’m raising them is to regain those bonds. My only focus is my children. I have time for nothing else and I can’t even begin to justify finding time for anyone or anything else. I have forgotten how to stop the tears.

Tonight I started the process for my will stating I wish to have as little money spent as possible fearing if i go before my kids college is paid for who will figure that out. I sure don’t want to take a dime from them putting me in the ground.

What happen’s to Aj if i go……. I don’t even have the answers……………….

I almost forgot though before leaving the apt. Dr Hines prayed with me and Paytyn for my cancer and for his behavior. I was super touched. Meant so much love that doctor to pieces.

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