What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

When I say cancer has effected everything in my life I mean that. My kids dad’s that aren’t incarcerated have all finally moved closer. Actually all within 2 miles of my house. Something I have literally always wanted. They are trying to be involved. ┬áBut I hold resentment for them not being there all this time. And if im being real and raw I fear that if I get sicker thru chemo instead of having my back they might take the opportunity to take my kids from me. I find it hard to allow them to help to allow them time and not feel totally threatened myself. My only reason for fighting is them. Without them ………I mean I can’t even imagine. My first husband’s wife I absolutely know she means well. But every time a statement about my kids living there or my kids staying. I feel is an attack. Although I can tell how far we have all come because ten years ago the very moment I felt that way I would have went back to following court order making things more difficult. Flaunting that power even. ( he has done the same thing when rolls were reversed. ) Instead I went to my ex husband I explained to him that I felt attacked like she wanted to take them. He explained it wasn’t meant that way and once again I knew from the beginning it wasn’t but it still didn’t make me not have those feelings. Knowing you could have fewer days sure makes you more territorial over them. Moving forward what is best for my kids is to keep communication open. And I am glad we are all able to do that. I still have lots of anger toward keith and even maybe some towards his wife. But I am sure that they have that towards me as well. I am trying my best to let it go. To know we all have made mistakes and move forward as a family all of us. Because that is what all the kids need. They all love each other the halfs, steps, and even the few in between that have no legal family tie. They all still feel like siblings and love each others as so. Nothing good will come from me holding on to the past or living in fear. One day at a time.

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