What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Paytyn is my youngest child. My very last baby. Before Paytyn I had placed Luke up for adoption with really no interest in having any more children. I choose adoption because I had already been stretched so thin. I got a tubal and got the clamps placed on my tubes so I could no longer bare children. Or so I thought. Then on New years eve I get sick. Extremely sick couldn’t hold anything down. I went to the emergency room. I really thought it was my appendix. Sitting on that hospital bed with my best friend and my husband waiting for the answers. I never in a million years had guessed that the answer I would receive was that I was pregnant. Apparently my claps had come lose when the swelling went down.

I really can’t even begin to describe the emotions I was plagued with in that moment. I had just chosen adoption Luke’s paperwork was final just a few short months prior.  The entire pregnancy was extremely emotional. I spent much of my time crying. My family was in no position for another child. Our home had a fuel oil tank bust in the basement. It leaked 250 gals and the home was condemned. We were temp. in a two bedroom trailer almost an hour and a half from any family.

I briefly considered placing Paytyn with Luke. Emotionally I was just unable to go through it again. From the moment Paytyn was born I gave him my all. All my time all my energy everything I had. He was at my side always took him to work often. Paytyn and I would talk about everything all day. He is extremely intelligent and can hold very long conversations. Unlike my other children Paytyn never went to a sitter. The guilt was so heavy that I had given up Luke and kept Paytyn.

Paytyn is now 5 and has started school this year. He is not doing well at all. He can’t follow directions or sit still. He doesn’t handle authority at all. He can’t seem to control his emotions. It’s an everyday struggle. Some say he has autism. Some say it’s because my home isn’t structured as they think it should be. Because I often home others and their children when they are on tough times. Things are said I spoiled him to much. He does listen to me I can talk him down in every emotional situation. He will only show me affection when it comes to others he can be stand offish. He will often tell his dad that he doesn’t even need a dad. He will hug grandparents as he sees the others. He is super close with his 14 yr old brother and often you will find the two snuggled on the couch. He doesn’t like to leave home to much even a visit with me to a friends house within moment he will ask to go home.

I feel like I am failing him. Or that I already have. pay.jpg



Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.