What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Beginning to believe my bday is cursed. That or I’ve got it stuck in my head that it will be a bad day before it begins and so that’s exactly what I get. I really tried to project a good day and not let the endless amount of crap that piled on me not affect my mood.

However I failed. Spending the entire day sulking in my feelings was the exact result I got. My car winsheild having the largest out of no where three cracks I’ve ever seen left me devestated. Not to mention feeling insanely out of control. I had no clue how the cracks got there. I hadn’t been out of the car and never heard or seen it occur. Feeling completely at fault because it clearly wasn’t a ghost. Sending the text to Marc that I destroyed the car he worked so hard to make sure I had crushed my heart.

Marc though, he took it in complete stride repeatedly reassuring me it was not my fault. There was no error I had intentionally made it was simply something that happen. He really tries to settle me when I am consumed with blaming myself.

Next up my kids. Gosh, I want them so badly to make me feel like my bday ( or mothers day as those are my two days a year) is special to them. That they apprciate that they are my world and put far above myself and for my day I can relax and not stress anything. Crying repeatedly throughout the day shows that wasn’t the case though.

Selfish as it feels to be so damn sad. That’s all I felt for my bday. I wanted a cake from this donut place I love so much. So in advance I told them. Even far before I was showing post of the cakes from others and how much that would be my cake! The morning of my bday is when they decided they better get this cake. Myself, I know it takes far more planning then one hour before the donut shop closes to place a bday cake order. Informing the kids that they will probably get laughed at when they call to order. To my surprise they state they do have them. Of course I don’t know at the time that hailey and the donut shop are miscommunicating. It’s one cake donut not a donut cake that they have.

Klowey thinks they have scored my cake without any planning at all. Now she is right in my face laughing at me for my comment about the donut place will laugh when they call to order with hour notice. She is literally mocking me for my bday. Taunting see your kids do care they did get you your damn cake. Now I’m insanely sad. I feel shitty for making my comment. Feeling low for not being important enough to preplan. At this point I know I am nothing but a last thought to my kids and that they are oblivious to my feelings today.

Tears are still shedding when they send me a picture of the donut in a bag. Is this a cake mom? That blow with the picture now takes me even lower. To shake this funk blues I need a good lunch with my handsome. Off I go, Allen driving to the sub shop for a lunch date with my better half and oldest.

I enjoy my lunch trying to avoid my phone and all that is going on with it. See months before my bday the kids asked to plan something that I would like. A water park day with all of us together. The kids however never planned anything. However they did plan things for themselves. Even the week of my bday when they tried to plan a water park and realized it was too late they then decided to try to plan a concert for themselves instead stating my bday would need to be moved out months to accomdate no plan. So for that entire week I sat listening to how I was the last thought. The last thing that needed to be planned. I heard statements of mom won’t care if we do this instead.

Here is my bday and now none of them have done anything. Malachi is frantic on the phone with a spa. Mom when do you have a day you could go. Today was the only day. I take care of all your needs any other day. Take you all to work and back and work myself. So that’s a no go. Now the rest are frantic. Hailey rushes to walmart lets grab mom the same gift card we got her last year that we personally know she has not used yet since she never goes there and won’t drive. In fact hailey is the only one to use the gift card she got me last year and now there is two. Again, how ungrateful I feel for not being appreciative. However I’m already so blue I can only think of how much of a last minute thought I am.

The little boys, gifted them money to buy my gift with. But at the store they decide that since mom likes home made gifts they would rather spend the gift money on themselves. I go through a speach of how if you spend your gift money and you don’t make a thoughtful home made gift you would really leave me feeling so sad. Bday is here. They didn’t make anything. Didn’t even say happy bday to me.

Back to that cake. I give them a second back up that I really like. Making sure to be specific cause a similar one to it I really dislike. They decided even though I tell them not to look at the store where they are and to come to our town to look to do the opposite. Meaning that they end up with the cake I really dislike.

I have made it home only to be given a list of things the kids need me to do. The wifi is too slow upstairs please go stop at our aunts and grab router. Please get our needs for next week work lunches. The list goes on and on. So when I stop home I inform them that it looks like the meal they have planned to cook me the meat is not defrosting in time. I state if this isn’t all the way defrosted by the time I’m at sams club you need to tell me I will have to buy more or dinner will be a bust.

I go to sams, I get the router, I even stop at walmart for a cake I will eat because the $30 one they got remember is the one I really really don’t like. I know the tradtion of singing in my room will come and there has to be cake for it. I walk into the house to unload. I’m alone for all these errands while everyone at home is laying down resting. No one ever went to find new cake. No gift. No spa gift card nothing at all. Walking in the door first thing I see is that dinner is frozen. Not one of them told me.

Now it’s all going to be a bust. I won’t even get dinner. Malachi goes to the store. At the time we are normally eating to rebuy. Hailey buys a bag of chocolates. The same one that marc buys me literally every holiday as a tradition. She now gives that and says it’s from boys. Remember I called boys out in the am. They had this entire day to make me something but didn’t. They played video games. Now they are in my face cheesing about how they did get me a gift now so I can’t be sad.

Poor marc is down the road buying the same candy when he pulls out and his car dies. He has to push off the road and make the call to me. They our timing belt and heads are bad. HE is on the side of the road and I need to come get him. He has no clue about the day. I’m already still in tears.

Get there. Tow driver states 3 hours. So It’s me who makes the decision for us to go home for dinner and come back. Im too worried to leave a key with the car. We get home dinner is just done. It’s only been one hour. We go to make plates and tow guy is now heading to car. WE must stop dinner and deal with that instead. Leaving the food to get cold.

I’ve been bragging of my perfect love now for almost five years. It wasn’t till this year that I seen so clearly how every move he makes is because in his mind it’s to better us. Maybe just to better the kids or I day to day life but it’s always with us in mind.

To have someone in your life love you exactly how you need and work so hard for that. That is a gift let me tell you. Again, I’m not brainwashed that Marc is some perfect being he’s made mistakes and said the wrong thing. Taken the wrong action that caused me hurt. But at the end of the day if you dig into that it’s always been my best interest he had in his heart.

As it becomes more clear just how loved I am I sink into this happiness that life can’t take away. Life hits with these hard moments. These trails where you wonder if you have done something to deserve it. However when your loved so perfectly it truly doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that the older kids dad decided to take me to court on Luke’s big golden bday. Last minute after things were already planned. It doesn’t matter that the dryer caught fire and we have two weeks without one. The moment that Malachi’s car broke down right after he spent so much fixing it was swept right under the rug. Cause as a family we love each other perfect. We support adjust and bend with whatever life throws.

Standing tall at his side that’s my favorite place to be. Surgeries leaving me feeling less than desirable in appearance are washed away when I am tucked under his arm. I forget everything in his safe guarded arms. Simply because there isn’t a thing that can break that protection.

We long to spend everyday all day together. Never am I running to hide from his presence. In fact the time apart truly drags on. Recently, the social anxiety set in so that I’ve realized I don’t feel myself without his presence. Talking on the phone, hanging with friends, socializing without him is exhausting. I can’t even feel safe enough to be me. However in his presence I am a social butterfly that can’t slow down enough for anyone to understand the words I speak at times.

Moving forward I long to move to a bigger property, more time at his side. More time at home and less time with things taking me away from that. More adventures and exploring together. Building this life together for a brighter future. If you were pondering how life is. Everyday I am loved more perfect. My mental health is getting better and my life is absolutely the most blessed.

Rounding into our fifth year together it’s clear to me this is our perfect. Us together, as a team, a family, this is the close as it will ever get to perfection. On Mother’s Day at that beautiful mansion Marc stopped to tell me that for the very first time in his life he realized he doesn’t care how the world sees him. He didn’t look around to see if anyone was looking while we posed for a million pictures together. In fact he pursued the poses most finding locations all over the mansion.

Myself I realized quite some time ago his presence gave me the security to not even see the outside world. I mean honestly sitting at dinner there could be a million people I know around at tables and still I can only see him. It’s been so easy to let go of any friendship proving to be too much. Or even the friendships that just drained me. As he fulfills that need entirely for me.

Life pilling down around us at 8:30 pm each night I promise it all just melts away. As that is when we spend our time cuddling chatting about some silly tv series we are watching. Forgetting literally every hurdle the day threw at us. In those moments more and more I am seeing that it’s our perfect. The world can fall in around us and yet we would stand tall shielding each other.

The future is changing so quickly. Quicker than I can even keep up. It’s scary and uncertain with so many obstacles. Emotionally I feel so drained with all life is handing but yet one pet to my face. His text that he loves me or him playing pool getting his butt kicked yet again sending me a good game beautiful. I just know it doesn’t matter. I’m not alone ever in any of it and the power from our perfect it really does over come all.

Dare I say but everything in life that lead up to this perfect simply washed away. I look just to the future. To every series in my notes we will enjoy together. To every tradition the kids will creatively come up with. Looking forward to the small moments like chatting on the toilet in the bathroom together. Bedtime snacks we shouldn’t be eating but love so much. Seeing the children become successful adults. Life is our perfect.

Oh Gosh, Mother’s Day is usually one of those days when I’m screaming on the inside. Mostly it has been filled of hiccups and stress if I’m just being honest. A few were okay but none stand out as the one to remember until this year.

This year I didn’t plan! Let’s be real I plan everything in my world and things need to be planned for me to feel secure. Most of the people in my world aren’t planners though. Leaving this to always fall on me. It’s huge for me to have the day planned by someone other than me. This well defined laid out plan for the day. It’s funny how for me this gesture in itself was a gift!

Marc planned and booked breakfast at the Tippecanoe. This fancy mansion that they serve incredible buffet style food. It’s a casual dress attire and I so enjoyed putting on the dress that I bought for our first big date almost 5 years prior. Seeing Marc and Malachi who was also our guest looking spiffy in their dress clothes light me up. What handsome men escorted me inside.

Stepping into this mansion I felt like a complete princess. Walking up these steps to enter the main bedroom where we would dine was just breathtaking. There was a pianist playing at the bottom of the steps. Where you would stand in line for the omelets the piano was just behind you. Even playing some current day tunes that gave me a giggle.

The food was just incredible. There was waffles with mascarpone bringing back found memories of the Ritz Carlton adventures when Marc stole mine. So he made sure my plate just heaped of it when he went for waffles for me. It was so special.

The kids who didn’t go got me a puppy, puppy accessories, and home made art. They all listened and there was literally no stress for the day. It was so perfect. A day I will cherish in my memories forever!

Here we are the time has come. My first born is ready to walk that stage. His little sister did beat him by a year but she wasn’t able to walk a stage due to the pandemic. Allen gets the chance to walk the stage.

I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of him. He was so driven until there was a shooting incident at his school. Allen had lost all drive and to be honest I am pretty sure he begun suffering from depression.

At some point I just laid out here are your options. Once he was into a program again he was soaring instantly. Got right into his grove and I quickly realized he had done what was needed for the diploma and the ged both.

One day while he was at work I got the letter from the state that I was correct. Allen graduated. I had all the paperwork for cap and gown and his graduation when I arrived to pick him up from work that day. He beamed with pride in himself.

Something every mother longs to see in their child. Now he is an employed driving graduate. He will walk the stage this next month with all the people he has always wanted to make proud.

It’s hard to realize it’s over his childhood that he is now grown and in the real world of being a grown up. With all those grown up downers. Like bills and stress by the boatloads. So of course I am here supporting and hoping to give him whatever tools and time I can to live a wonderful prosperous life. How ever will I let go when he spreads his wings I still don’t know!

Categories: Uncategorized

I spent so much time thinking of how angry I was that the men I chose to bare kids with don’t do their share. Never taking the time to reflect on the strength I gained from doing it on my own. Without that help I had to find ways to rely on myself.

Not only have I learned how strong I am and what I am capable of doing for my kids. The kids and I have a bond that these men are never going to have. I have shown each of them that a woman is capable of raising over a half dozen minions on their own.

Seeing how the kids are becoming such incredible adults so much more responsible than the men that let them down. I realize there isn’t a need to be bitter the kids are almost grown now. My strength came from that anger and being alone in the parenting journey. And I love how strong I am!

So maybe in a way I am a bit grateful that I didn’t ever really share my kids. Even if that meant it left the weight of the world on my shoulders I also never had to feel the pain that these men must live in. The pain of not knowing your kids? They can’t name a teacher, name a friend to their kids. If they cooked a meal they have no clue what the quirks of their eating habits are.

I know my children. My struggles were not non existent and I was far from the perfect parent. But I was strong enough to be there. Strong enough to let all my flaws sway in the wind and still be present. The dads will tell you the fight was too much.

Yet, cps, fathers, money, fire, flood all of that hit me. I still remained present. Fighting to be so. Still not the mother I want to be or take pride in but everyday striving toward being that mother. I’m stronger because they were weak. Being bitter can’t help me be better mother but being stronger will!

I have felt that awful double standard heavier than normal this week. The double standard where men think it’s a role of a Mother to do and his to do when he feels like it. I’m so sick of hearing them tell me they have struggles. Like I am not your therapist! Don’t come to me with the pity party as I am living in the same world except with the weight of 7 kids.

A burden that is expected of me to carry. For the men who laid down in bed with me to make the precious gift of our children it’s just not. Fighting over how they need time to get on their feet. Messages being passed through third parties that it’s just not possible for these grown men to do!

Thinking back to the times that they had prison stints leaving me to provide entirely financially. Do they not remember that while they sat behind bars and got a free ride to the financial burden of the kids I didn’t? Is it far from their minds that child support is the bare minimum for the necessities? Child support that is rare and far and between for me to ever receive.

Child support that to them is some kind of burden they don’t deserve! Can you imagine that these men expect that when they make $8 and $38 payments I am suppose to stretch that so far as to cover needs and gifts. Gifts that they want their name on to make them look like they were present. These payments never even putting a dent into the arrears carried.

It’s always I that is the bad guy. As if I am telling their kids so much negative that they don’t want them around. Not that they have pumped these poor babies full of it themselves.

These men must think I’m superhuman. What they expect of me? As if life doesn’t hand me similar struggles and doesn’t knock me down every chance it gets. I’m feeling more angry than ever with each excuse passed back to me.

They can’t be present. The kids are too angry for them to repair. Buying them gifts is beyond their capabilities yet being all over facebook with new vehicles and drinks in their hand is not. Or the famous let me buy a dog so they come to my house more to care for it. I’m at my wit’s in and ready to pack up and never look back. Why stay to be close to men who can’t hack the job given? Them being in the same town, county, neighborhood and still no effort is made. Just talk. Let’s tell our kids for Easter your gifting them… Just to leave them waiting empty again!

Ahhhh It’s just not fair. If they even gave a small effort the kids win! They deserve both parents struggling for them not one for themselves. Leaving them in the dust can’t make you feel good about yourself!

What or who in your life fills your bucket? Your emotional bucket that makes you feel complete and happy. For me it’s Marc taking pride in me. Even him muttering the word proud in reference to me just lights me up from within.

Maybe it’s some childhood repressed emotional baggage that gives me this need to make him proud. I’m not really sure. I can however honestly say I deliberately over share any small accomplishment with Marc for the pride he takes in me. No matter how small it may seem I already know he will be over the top with his pride.

As a stay at home mom who gig works or coupons to make her contribution to the family Marc often calls me his little hustler. I already soar to be his anything. The hustler part though always gives me the little extra giggle. Always working to find ways to take pressure off the budget I “hustle” all kinds of money saving ideas and gig work.

Throughout the day I share with Marc my successes in doing so. Yesterday was the first time I hustled money off of our cable bill. Upon doing so I sent him a screenshot of the text confirmation. Some silly message about everyday I’m hustling. There is a song that I totally sing to this effect to go along with it. When he responds to that text with pride it literally changes my entire day.

Smile is now permanently on my face for the remainder of my day because I know he opened a text on a silly cable credit and smiled. He took pride in me and thought there she goes taking care of us again. His sweet thoughts of me filling my bucket and my growing confidence in myself that I can help take off his load and still be home being the mother and future wife I desire to be.

Sitting here and thinking back I can’t recall a day Marc doesn’t show or tell me that he is proud of me. Soaring me into the clouds riding on that high from that filled bucket. Being on that high just leads to me accomplishing more for him to be proud of. It’s a never ending cycle.

In return I think he also has such pride in himself. He truly enjoys being the provider and having me home. There is a strength it gives him to have that traditional male role as the head of the house. Filling his own bucket by working hard for us daily and knowing that I can simply bake in the kitchen all day if that is what my heart so desires.

All and all I truly have the best relationship I’ve ever witnessed in my 37 years of life.

I spent far too much time this past week caught up in the actions of others. Having one of the baby daddies working with your adult and teen children is far over rated. Worst is engaging with him though. Disappointed in myself that I gave him the satisfaction of getting to me. He wanted to brag that he was somehow above the others. That his presence at my kids work didn’t negatively affect his son.

Clearly that being the furthest from the truth. As aj has to daily hear his Dad’s brags at work. The new vehicles, the home, the nights out. He gets to know all that trumps him. As he is not in his father’s life. Aj has to hear that the accountability for John lies directly on Aj and Aj shoulders alone. As John only heard the anger and not the pain when aj told him to stay out of his life.

He didn’t see those words as an opening to fix the pain he and only he created. Instead he seen it as an excuse to use for him to do exactly what he was in the first place. Now the blame could be on aj’s shoulders instead of John’s because aj said he didn’t want to see him anymore.

The pain I feel for my son. The repressed memories of my own it brings up. Lead me to engage and sound off like a mama bear at John. His I have t o get on my feet before I can do for my kid. Cut me like a knife! Does he think I never fell on my face? Had life hit me to the point where I thought I’d never survive? Of course I have! However I can’t use the excuse like he can. By the time he bragged of his 6 weeks of $38 child support payments I was nothing but fueled with anger at him.

He said I “PAY” support use it on my son. Did this man seriously just take a dig at me? Is he implying I don’t use support on my kids? He can’t be serious! These kids are so well taken care of how the hell could those words be muttered.

With one click I had him blocked again. Why did I ever write? Knowing nothing good would come from it. The very next day the child support is just $8 this man was just bragging knowing he already quit the job and that chump change wouldn’t even be there either….

One deep breath and a reminder of how blessed the life I built mine truly is. Walked up to Aj’s room. He has his own room these days. A brand new bed he just picked out. His streaming system all set up. He has the entire space decked out. Lights and posters galore. This little boy has everything in life but the father he always needed.

I can’t give him that father. I’ve tried. However one look at Aj and you know he’s blessed. Not just the financial needs that are met. He’s showered in love. He has the extended family in Marc’s bloodline. He has his best friend in his brothers. Aj is intelligent and so kind. The compassion just oozes from his being and I don’t have to continue to stress what I didn’t give. What I can’t make John be. There is peace in the blessed life Aj and I have.

Often I sit and sulk in the things I want to change but can’t. One of those being the men I chose to make children with. Seeing a post by one of the kids about the pain and regression they have over their fathers is painful. I don’t understand how they can see and not want to move heaven and earth to fix things. It’s beyond anything I can grasp to ignore your children’s cry’s for your attention.

Not that I myself feel I am the parent I need to be. Always striving for better wanting to be better for the only little lives that have ever mattered in mine. However I am ever present and trying. That never changes.

With the fathers they have always been counting down the time till their responsibility legally ends. Can you imagine a mindset that tells you at this age you are no longer a parent? Or responsible as such? I’m always begging mine to stay close. Stay home even for as long as you’d like. Lets build our dreams together and help each other.

As my middle daughter turns 17 on Monday I’ve heard her murmur just one more year more times than I can count. She isn’t counting down the days till adult. There is no rush for her. She is counting what her father has counted to her every year he has made an appearance. Which isn’t many so it’s really settled in her mind. The counting till he emancipates himself from being responsible for her.

Clare knows this is something her bio dad has been longing for for years. She is his last baby with me. The last of the ties and responsibility that bonds us I guess. Not that him and I speak or acknowledge each other. After all he is my childhood abuser!

Hailey deep into college psychology now is seeing all of the pain for what it is. Seeing how much he put her through for more of what it was than the little girl eyes she seen him through as a child. Her emotions so much like those I’ve felt my entire life.

Working so hard the last 20 years to face my own abuser to make it possible for him to parent the children he gave me. None of it did any good. The times I provided him groceries. Moved him and his wife closer to my kids to be involved. Looking back now I wonder had I never pushed him to be around the very little he was would it have been better?

Would his presence not existed if I didn’t fight for child support? Would no presence been better than the visits telling them he couldn’t wait till he didn’t have to support or be responsible for them? His words and actions were always so painful for my kids yet I was always pushing for the presence.

I wish that I had the power to change the things that felt so out of my control throughout their lives. Given them a better version of myself. Fathers who worshipped the ground they walked on…. But there isn’t a thing I can do. I read the post my little girls make of the pain they hold due to the men I let in my bed and all I am able to do is cry.