What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been such a long month! Like seriously so long. Emotionally it’s felt as though I was on the biggest and boldest rollercoaster known to man. Hailey graduated. She did it. Her being her mother’s child and all. She wants so badly to show her family her accomplishments and feel their pride. Longing to be loved and longing for a big family. Sometimes the sibling and I just can’t fill what she needs.

So of course we are all in on supporting her bringing all her family together to beam over her. This week we heard… well she did… I was pretty clear with her upfront I’d do what I could to get her contact information but couldn’t be the one making contact. Anyway my bio dad told her he will be there for her. I knew right away she was pumped and bursting with excitement the moment he wrote her. My heart sank hoping he wouldn’t disappoint her.

I thought to myself. This is the time. If he shows for my kid. If he makes her day about her can forget the child support nonsense. Or the you were an out of control teen by time I got you… If he can just stick to I am so proud of you Hailey. I love you. My pain I will swallow and my suffering I will forgive. Without a second thought to be honest. My kids are my entire world. Their happiness is mine.

Badly I desire to let go of my pain and focus on my family is all coming together. Something I have never dreamed possible and always longed for. They will be here celebrating my daughter. Who just broke the cycle. Isn’t a teen mom… graduated… and is going to college. Which I paid for! ON MY OWN! Legit everything college related has all been just me and Hailey. How can my family not be proud of us doing all they thought was impossible. From the school they thought wasn’t “real” enough for them. But it’s so hard not to allow the thoughts of they may not show to creep in. What if they have all set her up to be standing and waiting… Not as though they haven’t done that to me a time or two. How do I stop forseeing the worst case? Fucking survival mode always there in the back of my mind saying the worst of the worst is coming.

And if it does… If they all don’t show up… It’s my fault for letting them in again. Letting them hurt her. Disappoint her. I gave her the contact. I planned the party and I 100 percent will feel the burden if they let her down. any of them….. Just want her to have the day she deserves. The family, love, and attention she craves so much.

Ugh life is hard. Why must I be such a fucking emotional ass creature?

Her Day


Here we are… The clock is ticking to my daughters big day. Everything seems to fall short of perfect in my mind for her. I can’t buy or do enough to show how truly proud I am of her. Graduating, turning 18, and moving to dorm. She has held a job for years now. Secure enough to ask for a raise when she felt she deserved it. Switched jobs when she seen room for her own growth. Literally everything I could dream for her.

Plans to be a judge with an entire law path in front of her. She has no doubts in who she is or what she wants to be. I instilled in her she needs no one and can do anything her heart desires.

My room fills with decorations and party games. Buying tables and helium tanks… hell even entire vintage popcorn machines. But sadly there is one thing I can’t provide for her. It’s not in my abilities to give her the love she so desires from “family” My poor princess thought her party would be this healing bridge and a way for her herself to rebuild on relationships lost or never gained.

Supporting her I gave her whatever information I had to reach out to family. Which to be honest was very very little at this point. I’ve worked very hard on my own mental health and building boundaries to how I allow myself to be treated and the vibes I allow into my environment. My therapist will tell you I created a new enviroment right inside the old one when I was unable to leave. I’ve built a safe place now and I’ve thrived inside.

It didn’t take long for the negative vibes to seep in. Now the grandma we had been told was suffering severe dementia has the ability to text message and lay guilt and blame. With statements to the effect of your nana cries everyday cause she isn’t allowed to see her grandkids. My poor kid. Her heart just breaking because her version isn’t the same. She reaches to her nana the most out of all the kids. To be honest probably more than my brother and I ever have. My mom rejects her outlets to contact her. She decides to have Facebook hiatuses and then not see the messages… even knowing this is regularly how she has grandkids contact her. Hailey very much remembers just a few years ago when we moved closer to my mother and her baby brothers asked.. and asked to go visit her. To spend the night. She said no. She literally had an excuse for every single time. When she took the kids she chose on the time she chose it was to do what she chose. Often things that made the kids miserable. Not this lets get to know my grandkids but instead lets question them on every mistake I FEEL they are making. Allen just came back from being doped into being with my mom on a visit with my brother. Between my brother and mom my kid can back with literally zero self esteem. Hailey tries to respectfully say her verison realizing that now she would be hit with her is your cousins babies. The ones I wish you could meet because they are perfect.

The same cousins who the kids came to me about after Christmas saying that they felt inferiors to. That they felt like they were not seen or seen as lower than them. The kids were uncomfortable at holidays. Feeling as though they were a lower class of family. At that time I decided we wouldn’t share Christmas with them. So that the kids weren’t faced with seeing every cousin get loaded with expensive tailored to their likes and wants gifts while they were given second hand pile of stuff saying we knew one of you would be bound to like something in this stack. The 25 cent stickers still on. It was fine for me to feel those feelings my entire life. Being gifted toilet paper while my brother got tvs and video games. Because I was clearly the failure in comparison but no way would I have let my kids feel the same.

I went to my mother that Christmas. Explaining our feelings and how we didn’t mean to offend but we felt we needed to celebrate separately. That the piling in the living room of grandmas to be made felt the lowest on the totem pole was no longer a place we wanted to be. Claiming to be the understanding mother who wanted to change for the better of our emotional needs she asked if we would go to her home for the holiday instead. I went against all of my better judgement because I love my mother and I went. Guess what…. IT was the same bullshit. The cousins not present but grandma and grandpa there to literally tell the kids what they didn’t see. To tell them how they did this and that for the rest of the family but don’t worry this year because of your complains we didn’t even get you some yard sale trash. Your worth nothing at all now. But we used the extra money and got everyone else some scratch offs. Then when you tell your mom do not buy guns… Even though they are on the kids list they are not ready…. She buys exactly that. For the kid least ready. Making him receive the gift from his list and the rest not… Him clearly getting a more expensive gift and things clearly not being fair yet again.

I decided then I no longer wished to have this type of relationships in my life. I blocked numbers and begun to heal through things. Not once was anyone told not to come to my home. My mother has done a few drive way drive byes as I call them. Where she can’t be bothered to take time to interact just drop off stuff take some pictures and make herself look like an involved grandparent. To be honest always thought they were for facebook show.

Now Hailey continued to update. Would even sing and do stupid cute shit for my mom’s bday. ( secretly I reminded on bday…. but shhh) Then my mom stopped with even sending the kids bday cards. She stopped responding and I realized I again was pushing the bday thing and I didn’t remind them. So there was not any contact for awhile. Not like my house phone was ever blocked. Or not listed. It’s literally in the house just for the kids use. Not like I said never come to my home. But the text my poor kid is getting is absolutely making it seem like we are the cold hearted ppl who replaced our family.

I sincerely hope that her party turns out exactly how my princess desires in her heart. I pray there isn’t tears and wounds reopened. I hope that my family that shows understands this day isn’t for any of that. The day is to celebrate Hailey and her accomplishments. It’s to love her. To be proud of her. I hope that if they can’t do that they simply do not come. Because Marc, myself, even his family will have no problem escorting them off my property. Imagine your big day and fearing that you’ll be made to feel lower than… To feel any sadness at all even. I hope that they understand that it won’t be a day for catching up on what Hailey missed in their lives but what they missed in hers. If they want a day for that they should plan that. This day won’t be the place. It won’t be the place to remind Allen what path they think he should be on. Or his level of motivation. It is simply a day to uplift Hailey.

I’d be lying if I said I am not worried. I’m absolutely terrified that the ones she wants to come and support her will be the ones who lower her. All I can do is pray. Smile that day deflect any conversations not about her and in a positive manner and remove those who can’t understand that.

For awhile I thought that I had gotten out of the mindset that I swear I’ve been in since a toddler. Thinking that I was past just surviving and out of the survival mode. Truth is I now believe that is my way of life. In a sense it’s also my super power. Everything falling apart and I’m driven to figure out this solution and foresee the next worst case scenario. It’s powerful though to react and problem solve so quickly. To be so expectant of it that you can thrive even in those moments.

Definitely have made huge strides in life. Calling this chapter my uphill survival. Proudly working on myself still in therapy. I mean honestly loads and loads of work on my mental health have been done. Overcoming, speaking my truth, reliving and moving through so much pain. It’s been tough but good.

Making myself a better person I am in the process of wiping my record clean from that horrible misdemeanor that controls so much of my life. Once that is gone so many more doors open and so many mountains will be moved. I think I can provide better with that gone.

Hailey’s graduation date is quickly approaching and boy have I pulled off a lot there. Her cap and gown is absolutely perfection. Planning pictures and parties and knowing I get to watch my baby walk that stage is just so overwhelming for me. It’s thrilling and exciting and I so look forward to what she will accomplish.

Recently helped add to Allen’s set up so he can find the work from home gig that makes him happy. Haven’t pushed him back into the workforce just knowing emotionally life is so hard right now. Thinking maybe if he finds something he loves to do that life will not be so 9 to 5 for him.

Malachi works so much he is saving and has all these goals. Changing them with the wind of course but who cares. Pride is all I have for how far he has come. Just one more year and he too will walk the stage.

I strive to open a family business soon. Something that can thrive with the times and that my kids can carry on and thrive with. Something to fall back on. For the kids like paytyn who may need extra patience. Or allen who will need something less social. I want to make sure I provide long after my days on earth since who knows how many of those I am entitled. I leave behind this legacy of troops who braved the world together as a family and I want to make sure I leave something to keep bringing them back together when they need that. I’ve thought about a property big enough for them all to build on if they so choose. I know it’s not realistic that they all want to stay close together but honestly I sure hope they do. The numbers are in my favor after all that some will stick around together. If I provide the way for that. They will always come home I think.

I’ve been just racking my brain as to what business where to buy property and be the spot for the rest of my days. Definitely want to go warmer. No snow to deal with when I am old and grey. Although I’ll miss that too.

I begun writing letters to my children emailing them to myself and saving them in folders. For the day I am gone. I want them to have new memories with me even when I am not here to make them with them. Them knowing they are my reason for life is so important to me. That each and every one of them was completely perfect!

So much of my time has been spent dodging the grieving process lately. Not allowing myself to process any of the deaths surrounding me. Honestly just felt so guilty like it was not even my right to hurt as much as I am.

I never felt as though I fit into the mold of what I needed to be to fit in a family. Not just mine but any. So I spent all of life moving from one family to the next to find my fit. Even inside of my own. Grandma’s, aunt’s, Aunt’s coming into play by marriages, they all played the role of mother at some point. The men I attached myself to over the years. They all had families I built bonds with. Sometimes I’m not sure if I seen the relationship with those men in that light…. I was truly longing for family. If you asked me now what I feel towards Chuck and I wasn’t trying to make sure Marc wasn’t hurt by my words I would hands down call him family. Not an ex. or the kids dad…. all of the things he most certainly is. But in my head he is just family.

So now that my life has this settled and loving family. Those little pieces of family I built along the way I feel guilty for. I mean when your ex’s mother passes away but your in a strong healthy relationship now with a new “mother in law” per say. How do you even cry and not feel bad for doing so. That isn’t your family anymore…….. So I missed a funeral that with all of me I wanted to be at.

Step mothers are sick dying…. But those divorces have been long buried and they are not any title to me. The relationships went down in such a ball of flames how can I now be at those womens sides. To say bye…. to hold their hands. That would make me a traitor right? So I swallow that pain too.

Marc’s family now experiencing the pain of loss. I barely have a relationship there as it’s not been much time. Things still feel fresh and covid hindered the time I was able to spend. But I am literally aching at the loss. Even more so when I am able to be there for marc’s family and wasn’t for all the others. It’s not just sorrow or grief it’s guilt. Guilt that I can give more of me at the loss when it’s Marc’s family. Guilt that I didn’t say bye to those I wanted to.

You put all that guilt with the grieving and then add in social anxiety and I begin to wonder if I was really even there for Marc’s family. Remembering looking at him and saying so many times I just don’t know how to speak. I can’t speak no words.

I will soon face a loss that I already know will be one I don’t know how to face. Holding anger at the secrets that stain. Thinking that I would have got to speak my truth beforehand but it’s already too late. The words I speak couldn’t be heard now. Waited to long to get out what I need and now the ears are deaf. The sickness has overcome and I will never get the peace I longed for there.

Fuck depression. Like seriously. Fuck being blue. Fuck being sad. Just fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk I want so desperately to forget all the pain.

Oh the words are just not here, everything I want to say at the tip of my tongue. Typed and deleted line after line with nothing on the screen now. I desperately have been trying to break the chains of my past that are weighing me down. Moving through the trauma is the toughest thing I’ve ever put myself through. There isn’t anyone at my side for this part of my journey. No one has any clue what battles I’m in.

I’m fighting for my life. Every breath seems so difficult. It’s not the first time I’ve been here. This dark low place im festering in. So I know there is a way out.

Sometimes I wonder if I left here, this state, this environment, if I could break free and really forget it all. Forget everyone before I found freedom. Wipe the slate clean.

So remember a while ago writing about all the death thoughts creeping in at all the wrong times. Honestly being a pretty constant presence in my life for some time. I had initially thought it was a medication problem. Only to be convinced it wasn’t after adjusting them. Turns out it was the wrong adjustment.

Headaches began to define me about a month in a half ago. Being in the dark as much as possible. Being irritable over the smallest inconvenience. That triggers a med check and change. It did nothing for my headaches at all however completely changed my life! My head is pounding still to the beat of a drum but it’s so clear!

Those feelings of death and dying are completely gone. I can force those thoughts and not be caught up in them which I couldn’t before. Anything about death or dying was triggering such blues and ugly negative thoughts. Now it’s just more of a normal thought. Live life to fullest and one day it’s over and that’s completely okay.

The meds have had such a positive impact for the last month. It feels like I am more capable than I have ever been. Often I would feel like I was outside of myself watching as I would completely lose control of my emotions and there was nothing at all I could do. I felt so helpless. Now it’s not like that at all. I feel like I process more before I react. It’s such a blessing.

In an emotional state I often couldn’t even remember what I said or did. Mania wasn’t controllable even when I could see it. Sometimes I would even plea with marc to help me. Because I couldn’t get back out of it. That isn’t the case now. I’m completely in control. I have more understanding of myself than I ever have. Far from perfect. Still a bit of a roller coaster to be me. However it’s such progress and I’m learning more and more every therapy session how to help myself be a better me. I’m so committed to being the best version of me I can produce.

I wish that I could go back and lead a better example. Never understanding how to pick friends myself I passed those traits to my children. Clinging to toxic needing friendships was my motive. There was a clear need for me to be needed. Finding comfort in being the nurturer in the friendship. Maybe even the mother, the clear responsible one.

I’ve since learned how to better chose who I have in my life and the boundaries I put in place. But a day too late because my kids were watching my failures at building those healthy friendships. They too now sit often in pain from choosing unhealthy friendships. So badly do I wish I could go back and be a better example. Catching on sooner than I did.

Sadly I instilled in my children the same fears I had of being alone. Clingy to those unhealthy relationships as if they are a need. The fear of that lonely feeling. It often lead me to succumb to being someone I was not.

Last Night watching my daughter do just as I spent most of my life doing my heart wrenched. There isn’t anything I can do about the example I gave now. Only thing there is to do is move forward doing better. Longing for them to find everlasting healthy friendships and relationships.

I truly thought it was painful to go through it all but it’s far worse to watch your children repeat your mistakes. Moving forward I will do better.

February 7, 2021

So many negative post in a row. Needs a change up. I’ve been seriously making so much growth within myself it’s unreal. Striving to be the best me and perfect that image I will leave behind of myself.

Taking the time to decide what I wanted in life. As cheesy as it may sound I truly never wanted more than being a wife and mom. The very best of both. To give my all at being the Mom my children need and the wife my husband needs not the one I believe is best for them. That is the real challenge right? Spending the real time investing in knowing what they need from you to be the best them? That’s my goal that’s the shit that just gives me life.

The emotions running through my family is absolutely what is my driving factor to my day. If even one of them is struggling I am. My expectations of what I wanted them to become may never fit to what they want. I’m spending time adjusting now to that. Making sure I’m supportive of their journey not defining it. It’s so important for me that I allow them to be them.

For me I think that my biggest super power is forgiveness. I really believe that if you can see from the others view point you can find forgiveness for anything. My family isn’t ever going to be perfect. It’s mine and I will work hard to see through their eyes in my most angered moments. Love them when they may feel unloveable. I’ve worked harder recently that when a mistake is made inside my home by someone I offer my love and acceptance quickly. Reminding them that they are imperfectly perfect and I love them even when they may not feel they are.

Spending time pointing out flaws and imperfections seems so trivial now. Being hurt over mistakes or flaws because I felt less loved somehow. Therapy has showed me that I am able to trust in the love from my children and my future husband. Linking love and bad choices was my prior thought process. Now I know those in my life do not fake loving me. They do and they are simply as imperfect as I. I’ve got security in knowing I no longer have anyone in my life that doesn’t belong there. No one who doesn’t love me is around so I can be at ease with mistakes.

I’m speaking more to my children of mental health and forgiveness themselves. We have forgiven those who could not love us in the healthy way we needed and no longer have in our lives. We discussed if we may ever open the door for them again. I myself probably would not ever reach out or allow them in but the kids may be able to start fresh some day. They know I would and do support that.

I’ve been up working for hours this morning before something triggered this writing. Alone in the dark room the entire house still asleep. Feeling so fulfilled and blessed to have my family.

My bedroom in my home is an addition to the rest of the house. Built on later before I purchased therefore not heated the same as the rest. We supplement the heat with a little electric fireplace. Even with the fireplace the bedroom as well as bathroom addition are noticeably colder than the rest of the home. For me it’s simply freezing.

Having four blankets on my side of the bed keeps me content and warm. Snug as a bug to be honest and I sleep very well. Except when I get triggered. Last Night was one of those nights. The blankets pulled up to my chin and took me right back.

I was back in my parent’s shower curled up into the bottom corner. My Aunt had picked me up homeless and returned to me to my parents. They had just revealed they would keep me. However my brain would not believe them. So at just 15 I am in the bottom of the shower prepping myself for homelessness again.

Yea, you heard right prepping. How do you prep to be homeless one might ask. Well if your 15 alone and confused to all hell you may take a large towel into the shower. Making a cape of it. Hiding under the towel while turning the water from as hot as I could stand to as cold as I could. Thinking I was prepping for the elements of outdoors again.

When that blanket touched my shoulder before bed last night I was instantly in the bottom of that shower again. Tears flowing and body shaking. Never believing my home would be mine for long. I was right. Homelessness would find me again later in life.

Many other weird strange things I did when coming back from decatur to prep for what I knew was coming. Often going without food thinking I was conditioning my body to be ready for it. If only someone had gotten me the help I needed then. Begging cps most of my life for it never got me anywhere. It was like I slipped through the cracks in every way.

Seeing now that my mental state has always been this state of survival. Doing whatever I may have felt necessary to survive the life I was dealt. Previously my thinking lead me to believe I have beat that survival cycle. I’m not sure though. As yesterday when part of my income collapsed and I had no way to gain my half of the mortgage. It was natural for me to hustle, sell, flip whatever I had to make the money. Never speaking a word of it. Just surviving through what was dealt and moving on. Within hours I had figured out what I needed.

Trying to train my brain to see that these triggers are reminders of what I survived made me who I am. A survivor. Maybe I can’t break out of that cycle. Always being self dependant and quiet when in need. It’s just who I became I guess.

Parted with all of my keychain and straw topper molds yesterday. Some of my favorite crafts just let go for my family. If I told Marc what I had done to stay on top of what I promised him 3 years ago. That I could hold down my own half no worries. I would have put a weight of guilt on him. He would have thought of the 1000 he put into the stock market ( he has been not doing well with stocks since starting) that morning while I sold my things again to make ends meet. He would have felt like he let me down or didn’t provide. Giving my word on his bed that day when he told me he was concerned about my income and my share of the weight that what I thought of yesterday morning.

That kicked me straight into that survival mode it never even crossed my mind to say anything to Marc. It was my burden to bare alone. My word broken. My income messed up. Seems like its me who puts it all on me when I can’t get out of that survival. Replaying that conversation that is old and sincerely wouldn’t apply now on that bed is silly. However that’s what happened.

That trigger taking me back to the shower and prepping for homeless. I did that same with money all the time. Hiding my money in the ceiling of my basement bedroom. Pretending that I didn’t have any when I had a stack. So I would have to figure it out and prepare for it. Once even skipping a night out with the four of hearts (my best friend group at the time) because I had put up my money and wanted to figure it out and failed to do so. I wanted to show me what it would be like when I failed. When there was only me to count on and I let myself down. At 15 years old I am punishing myself for failing to survive.

January 30, 2021

Having Hailey so close to graduation is just more joy than I can even explain. The first to walk across that stage! Remembering back to how many times my grandparents told me I would have a grandchild by now. How many assumptions they had made to her and to my parenting. Thing was I talked to my child. ALWAYS! So I knew she was going to achieve exactly what she set out too.

Here she is now. About to walk the stage. More pregnant friends than I can count and even more so already moms. My girl though she been too busy working and making moves for herself.

Seeing the moves she has made in life for herself makes me beam with pride. Seems like just yesterday Keith was at my door talking about this four year old is so defiant I can’t even handle her. She was and is her momma’s child. Strong willed is an understatement.

Knowing she will achieve everything she sets out to gives me a sense of peace. Her life is less than perfect of course. I have watched my princess really struggle with friendships and relationships both but her sense of self is so strong. My worry is just very little that she won’t always come out on top.

Throwing the biggest and best party ever is heavy on my mind. It’s so important to shout from the rooftops all her achievements and show her how proud I am of her. Hoping that this virus can get wrapped up soon so that it doesn’t throw any damper on anything. Can’t imagine having to work around restrictions still this summer. Mask are horrible!