What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

This weekend we had Klowey and Clare bear with us. Klowey is almost 11 years old and Clare bear is 13. I was in search of a good planner, Marc was in search of a outlets strip for our bed, the girls were in search of a craft they could make grandma! We thought we could meet those needs at Barnes and Noble, and the Guitar Center and that both places would be very enjoyable.

I woke first of course! I had planned breakfast out for the weekend and this morning was bacon, ham, egg and cheese bagels. I made everyone two but me I had just a half of one. Mine wasn’t as doctored either. Just one slice of ham and an egg. I try to put very little in my tummy on days we will be out. My stomach rejects food like it’s the plague!

After breakfast Marc checks out the car and girls and I grab blankets. A drive to Kalamazoo may only be an hour trip but I could easily get frost bite in that time if I am not prepared. Marc likes things at 72 I prefer 78! Its a challenge sometimes.

The girls fall asleep quickly in the back seat. Full tummies and cozy blankets always does the truck. Marc and I soaked up the time to talk. He told me of his new motorcycle plans. Of his drawing he won at work. We laughed about my emotional state the day before. He still tried to drill in my head that the money was not his it was ours. That it wasn’t a waste as it was a bill that we would have paid the following week anyway. I often worry about displeasing him and feel guilty when things go array from our plans. He assures me I wasn’t to blame and that things are okay!

Needing that car ride talk and that reassurance. As I always do. I always need him to say it’s okay and not my fault as I always feel it is. I tell him I am sorry 1000 times a day and he tells me 1000 times it’s not my fault and I don’t have to be.

So anyways we get to the Guitar Center first. Here is where Marc thinks we can find the outlets that we want to mount under our headboard. We knew it would be a fun spot to look regardless if it was found. Both girls are in band and really enjoy music!

First thing when I walked in I see this BAD A$$ bright lime green bike! My favorite color in the whole world. I walked straight to it for a picture. It was awesome! The kids were all in awe. There was a man on drums playing and in another room a man on a keyboard. I was dancing and jamming away. Marc showed us a guitars he liked. The poster of his favorite guitar players.

I myself spent much time standing by the two men playing music. It was cool to see all the guitars and such but the beats being made had all my attention. Marc and the girls searched for the outlet with no luck.

Next stop was Barnes and Noble. It was a massive store far bigger then ours in south bend. I was overwhelmed instantly walking in. Easy to get lost and distracted there. The girls came with me to search for a planner while Marc took off to the magazines. I would say he only has a couple 1000 or so now so his collection was needing some additions. lol.

The girls and I were disappointed with the first two spots we found planners. They were nothing like I was wanting. I found this employee in this gorgeous green Celtic dress. Since I was needing to compliment the dress I thought she may also know where to send me for the planner. She asked what planner I was looking for or the type of. I explain, to my disappointment she said most of those come out around Christmas and they might not have much of a selection for now.

Luckily I found a perfect planner. I can’t wait to review it later because I am so head over heals for it! I have not ever seen one like it before.

The girls found a wonderful craft to make for grandma. They got started right away in the car. Marc and I also got wonderful crafts made for us too. Marc didn’t get himself a magazine surprisingly but found a fun gift for his sister. We all were delighted with our purchases.

The ride home the girls stayed awake. We giggled and laughed together. Marc showing us fun things along our drive. Our family is absolutely perfect!

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My Character Flaws

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I have been thinking a great deal of my character flaws lately. Some that I didn’t really know were flaws before. I have this need to help. Maybe it’s a need to feel needed. I’m not sure.

I really can’t say I have many friends. I have people from the past that I spent my time with then but I don’t now. They still linger on face book for an occasional chit chat but I text no one. I call no one. I give my time to no one. Well almost no one. Marc is the exception to all rules. I rarely go an hour without talking to my main squeeze.

So anyways back to the flaws. I have this need to help. Lacking a connection with anyone though. I will see a post on face book and rack my brain to find a way to fill someone’s need but I don’t connect. I’ll bring you groceries. Love your babies and then just leave.



I am more interested now in being a volunteer rescuing those in need then being that “friend”. Getting so overwhelmed in a friendship that has needs I can’t fufill. I can’t let anyone in, I can’t trust. The connection isn’t there. I have no clue what anyone has going on in their everyday lives nor do I ask. I’d rather not make the emotional ties.

I will be asked for help and run to that. Someone stranded needs a ride. Someone needs a phone bill paid. There in fact is always someone in need. Either I find them or them me but no bond is built. I have shut that part of me down.

Marc broke through and he gets all those wonderful parts. He has the me that intently listens. I give him my focus and I want to know everything. I don’t know that I ever want to give time like that to anyone else.

Doesn’t that sound awful and selfish? I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want the drama and pain that comes from building a connection. With Marc I know he’s forever. It’s safe, with others that is often not the case and not worth the risk. I speak more now to my readers then anyone else. I correspond better with those who I can keep at arms length.

My blog so raw, So real, I never filter any emotion or thought. I can’t do that with a human being though. I enjoy helping it gives me the fulfilled feeling we all desire. Often I am just in peoples lives because they know that. Yet, is that not why I keep them in mine? I clearly don’t want further connection. Flawed I am.

October 15, 2017 I slept in his arms for the very first time. Afraid to be naked hiding my flaws. A ball of self doubt is exactly what I was back then. When he fell asleep that first night I remember pressing myself against his back and en hailing his scent. The next day I woke to Good Morning Beautiful. I was delighted to be told I was beautiful. I hadn’t heard it enough.

The next day I woke to it again. In fact every single morning but one I have been the first thing he does. He sends me a Good Morning Beautiful messages every single morning before getting out of bed. He taught me I was his priority!

Are you wondering why there was one I didn’t get a good morning text on. That day he had accidentally sent it to his mom. He didn’t notice until far later then told me right away. I had a good giggle that mom got my message.

Here we are now 273 good morning beautifuls later. He has instilled my value in me. Was this achieve by a simple text? Absolutely! Tell someone everyday what you want them to believe in and they will. At least I know I do. I walk next to him feeling beautiful even when my hair is a mess.

The smile you see me have is because of him. Marc taught me how to love myself. He taught me my worth. I always get a good night message too. A sweet dreams and I love you before bed. If I am home I am cuddled, he even comes to my side and lays to hold me till I fall asleep. Then slides out from under me to excuse himself to a shower. Being loved, being his, it’s the greatest thing in the entire world!


July 14, 2018

I honestly have never paid attention to the Friday the 13th propaganda. Never had a Friday the 13th just stand out as a bad day or anything of that nature. Just another day. Maybe even picked fun of the day being Friday the 13th. Teased of it a bit. I won’t ever again after the day I had yesterday.
I woke up feeling excited! Marc had talked me into getting myself a new phone that day. He has honestly been trying for 3 months at least. I had even been there to get last month and backed out thinking it just wasn’t in the budget. Marc puts me above everything so I have to keep reigns on that. Can you imagine? Not to get off track but I bet he got hurt and taken advantage of a lot throughout life for that unselfish nature of his. Good news is we compliment each other perfectly. For as much as he loves me and wants to take care of me I do him as well. So I watch his bills like a hawk and make sure not to let on I am in need of a thing if I think things are a bit tighter one week. It is working perfectly we are balancing things well together.
I had already worked out which phone I wanted and that he thought was a good fit for my needs. I knew I would go through my cable company. They have a special deal that also fit my needs. It was all perfect. Or so I thought.
Remember how I bought my freedom back in December? Moving out of the home I worked so hard for and leaving behind the abuse. Well I had not ever transferred the cable’s address from there. Yes, I know what your thinking over 7 and a half months and you didn’t transfer that is lazy. It so was!
So now I can’t order a phone online until I change that. No biggie right? Comcast says moving is easy. My service is all working at my new home it always has been. Should just simply be transferring the bill to a new spot. Which I go paperless so that won’t even happen. I got online to change it.
Turns out I have a past due bill. If I am being honest I always do. I pay the past due each month never seem to pay it off at all. When I first moved I needed the first month to catch up from the moving expense. So I skipped it and just never was current again. So you have to be current to transfer the address. Well fine no biggie. I will pay bill now and transfer.
Wrong again I was! Payments even though taken from card instantly won’t process to the account till the next day. I can’t change it still. So lets drive up there and just speak with a human and get my phone on the spot I think. Friday is the perfect day for that. Right?
Your answer is once again NO! I got to comcast sitting in the waiting room when Larry’s Mom walks in. ( Larry was my second husband who spent most of our marriage in prison. ) She sees me instantly. Making the situation uncomfortable as hell. I do what I always do in an uneasy situation. I text Marc. Talking to him soothes me. He knows me completely and he will know I’ll need to just talk and him to be my distraction.


I hear her comments of how I married her son for the money. I am not sure if it was the Little Caesar paycheck or the $700 a month from the Indian center that she was referring to. I hear her tell the Comcast worker of how he tried to kill himself because of me. I flashed to the day my ex husband with a noose around his neck hanging from a tree. I tried to block out the comments. To remember it wasn’t my fault.
The guilt was thick in my head already. It’s finally my turn in line. I explain all my needs to the lady before me. My phone and address. She tells me okay and proceeds. Next thing she is speaking of shutting off service. So I explain how I have kids at home alone. That my 16 year old has my 7 year old autistic son and that he can’t not have a phone to reach me. If anything we were doing could leave me without service lets wait till Monday. When I would be home to care for the kids.
She gets a manager to confirm my needs. That I won’t have anything interrupted. He tells me that it will only go off to reboot the max will be 5 to 15 mins. I call home to let the kids know that. Making sure they know how to go to access a cell phone in an emergency.
Proceeding forward the woman ask me what services I would like. I am confused since I had what I wanted and simply wanted to add mobile service. The call from the kids comes. They have no services at all. It’s been 20 mins. The women tries to finish the order of my cable. Asking me oh you had lifetime movie club right? You had stars right? I can give you unlimited internet at 50$ a month. A discount. I pause I had that for 25$ a month already I was locked in for 6 more months to that price.
Now your a new customer though she says. WHAT!?! Right then I knew mistakes had been made. I was not intending to be a new customer or reorder service just add a phone. Apparently she was trying to get me a gift card. The kids are panicked it’s been 40 mins without service.
She tells me that she is going to send a signal with a help ticket and get things taken care of. Except almost instantly says oh no after the words leave her mouth. I look up… smile gone. I ask did you just fuck me exactly how I said you would and you promised you wouldn’t? Her response, “yes”. I was instantly panicked. Knowing I would be going to Lansing for 5 hours and the kids would not have any cable now. No internet and even worse no phone.
I get the manager whose entire story changed now it takes 24 hours. Or maybe by the time I get home. I can’t order a phone at all now. I am a new customer requiring deposits and a tech to come out. The system says my lines have been plugged for a year and don’t work. Clearly I have had service since December! I’m now in tears. Irate and worried of the kids. To the manager I say, “You sir are a liar and should be ashamed. I think you should shove your LIES up your ass!” Disconnect EVERYTHING I will NOT ever use comcast again. I storm out.
I text Marc and ask if he can call me. Not thinking that he would be in his work lunch meeting. Not pausing when I heard him try to speak of sitting somewhere. I now remember hearing babe I’m sitting in… then cutting him off. I was a hysterical mess. He calmed me. I was so upset at myself wasting the money paying the bill to now have nothing. I was disgusted because it was from money Marc had earned and not me. How could I be so wasteful. I should have known better. I have a phone already there was no need for anything different. I got greedy. 🙁
When I got home I got the internet through the back door hot spot. I got online with comcast and eventually got things back on. It was at least a 200 dollar loss throughout as now I have a new account. Costing much more money as well. I don’t have the cell phone. I let Marc get stressed at work. Spending money foolishly. I was angry and cursed out strangers in front of my girls. I let Larry’s mom get to me. Friday the 13th just sucked!
Marc told me that it wasn’t my fault none of it. That doesn’t sink in. I felt like I disappointed him. Wonder if he gets tired of reassuring me that I don’t have to take blame for everything? I can’t program my mind otherwise. I cried the entire drive home and for a solid hour after. That I had wasted money and upset him at work. I cried again when I realized I had done it while he was in the work meeting. How could I do that to him while he is busting his ass for me? Lousy girlfriend I was yesterday. I will be so much better for him today!

I had been wanting to see this movie for an entire week. I brought it up a few times throughout trying to find time to squeeze it in. My love for the first Jurassic World made me excited for the second.
When mentioning it to Marc we realized he didn’t see the first one. Later I think he said he may have but even if he did it was so clear he hadn’t remembered it. He would have happily went with but he surely didn’t have the drive or need to see it as me and the girls did.


Somehow we managed the time to watch it together today. I was actually excited for the break in the day that the movie offered. I was very prepared bringing in my sweater shaw as our theater is always a bit more chilly then I like it to be. We all got our popcorn and cotton candy and drinks and found our seats while the movie previews were going. Only about 20 seats were filled.
The movie was pretty much fantastic! I laughed many many times. Owen was even funnier in this one. The new breed of dinosaur created is a total bad a$$. The action was thick and has you on the edge of your seat.
Zia is my favorite character in the movie for sure. She is a little spitfire. I love her heart and love for the animals. When you see the movie I think it will be clearer to why she is just my ultimate favorite. She saves blue!
I thought for a second at the end that this would be the last of them. Then right before the movie cuts it leaves me wondering if there just might be another??? The kids all enjoyed it. Clare (age 13) Hailey age (15) Jacob age (16) all were laughing right along with mom. I enjoyed my break in the relaxing cool theater and would recommend the movie as a must see!

Have you ever been scrolling through face book and come across a post and think oh that would be cool to have? The other day I did just that. I was scrolling my page and a friend had shared these bars that I thought frankly were genius! I haven’t felt safe at my place since I moved in here.
The kids and Marc both had demonstrated how easy it was to penetrate through my locks and door protection. It was a little push and you were into the house. How can you possibly feel safe with that knowledge? Well I couldn’t.
I thought I’d be cute and share the post of the bars. I tagged my boyfriend in them and said babe I need two please! I am not sure he even looked at what the item was before the man had them in the cart. With prime shipping they were due to be at our house in just 24 hours!
Marc sent me a text and told me to look in the Amazon Cart. I missed the hints he was sending to look like three times before he was blunt and said babe check my amazon account orders! I finally picked up on the giant signals he had been sending for many messages. Feeling a bit silly when I looked in the cart and the bars were there.
When they came I taught Allen and Hailey how to use them. Day one they were tried out. I had left and Allen locked the doors with them. Hailey came home before me and tried to break into the house and was not able to. No matter what she tried there was no way to get into the doors. My cheap old doors with janky locks that left me worried all the time were no longer penetrable.


I myself could feel relieved. I was able to get much more sleep. My son and daughter both made comments they are far less worried with them in place. My 7 year old autistic son can no longer answer the door on his own. Which is a HUGE plus. It was scary when he would open the front door while your in the bathroom. I give these bars a 10/10! I love them! I will order another soon to lock the kids out of my bedroom at night!

My four eldest children all have the same dad. My first husband and I had a miserable marriage but from it we gained four irreplaceable miracles. I try hard to co parent without judgement. He makes it so incredibly difficult to do. Two years ago Christmas Malachi my youngest son with my first husband was given a bike by him and his wife. Some brand name of Mongoose. Which was apparently a big deal. It was a used purchase but still very appreciated by my son. It was like gold in his eyes. A gift from a man he had very little time with a few fond memories of.
The bike soon became a tool used against him. He was not allowed to take it home. His half brother that resided at his father’s home was always on it. Malachi’s jealousy over the issue grew quickly. Coming to a head when his father would move away taking the bike with him for him to no longer have any access too. It was a crushing blow to have a gift that your not able to use. To know others were gaining enjoyment for what was meant to be yours.
Now two years later we receive a call. Ironically the call came just hours after a conversation of not hearing from him in some time. The call was Keith. The kids dad. Asking Malachi if he still wanted “his” bike. Without hesitation Malachi said yes. A bit more of a awkward conversation proceeds before Malachi hangs up to tell me just that how awkward.


This morning while I am up blogging the rest of the house still fast asleep my phone rings. It’s Keith again. I hesitantly answer, hello. Hearing him say my name still makes me cringe. He informs me he will be at our house in 10 mins. I wake Malachi so we can meet him outside. As he unloads the bike, the chain is off rusted and twisted up. The tires are both flat. The inner tubes and the tire itself gashed in each. The rubber covers to the handles are destroyed. Keith exclaiming it was the 14 year old half brother destroying the bike. That the boy didn’t want Malachi to have it. He speaks of his wife and son stealing his belongings. Sharing things with Malachi that would just have been better left unsaid. Here he is standing before his son who he hasn’t seen in weeks. That he has only seen three times in the last year. All he can talk about is negative things others are doing unto him or his kids in revenge of him.
My head is screaming hug your kid. Don’t wait for him to hug you grab him up! I plea of ways he can spend more time with them and he shoots me an excuse with every plea. I stand in disbelief as we were just sitting with a judge and cps worker who said Keith longed for time with his kids. I promise I have not prevented that. I offer that he should take his daughter. The daughter he let get raped in his home and he should give her time let her know he isn’t angry at her for the events that took place. I tell him she is sad that she hasn’t had the time tat he gave the others. That she may feel that telling what happened to her is why. It gets me no where. I stand wanting to scream HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF!!!!
As he list things Malachi will need to do with the bike he says I guess if your mom can’t help you get it going tell me and I will try to get you some tubes for it. Are you kidding? Like here it is here is that chance to bond. Scoop it up say hey lets go to Aunt Jennifer’s garage and put some tubes in. Lets go to meijer and do it shit. Grab the time grab it and use this chance. But he passes it to another man. Marc can help me, Malachi says.
The conversation then turns to child support. Why is this conversation always held in front of our kids. Your putting a value on them! Then complaining about it! LIKE GEEZ! We went to court I didn’t pick the number you fought the number and lost. So what is there really to talk about? Nothing…. but every time the kids want to do something or have a fundraiser or ask for something you tell them ask for child support. Frankly you paid 14 dollars per kid per month for years and years I couldn’t even feed them on that. Here we are now with it at a substantial amount. Not a crazy amount for the number of kids or income you have but decent. So lets complain and whine every chance we get. Even if your going without if it’s for them not to isn’t that how it should be????
He leaves and peace is gained. A hour passes before Marc and Malachi are in the garage finding the tools they need to work on the bike. Marc takes him to buy what he needs. He helps him and tells him stories of his first Mongoose. They share the bonding time Keith passed up. After the bike is running Marc grabs Malachi and pulls him in for a hug and tells him he is proud of him. That is the moment Keith could have had. That was the moment when Malachi knew who loved him. He doesn’t need to guess or wonder Marc affirms his love constantly. I am proud to give my child that kind of love. I am so grateful for what Marc is to all of us.

A Day In Bed

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So I failed to fake anything yesterday. It was impossible to hide how terrible I felt. Marc that amazing man of mine he knows all though. I got up made him some breakfast and Malachi and myself just a bit of something. After finishing I ended up asking to just lay down a bit. I must have fallen asleep because I woke still in bed. I felt no better and just stayed cuddling him the entire day.
Eight hours we spent in bed. I woke a few times mumbling an apology telling him I was fine and just tell me when he was ready to go flying. It’s okay we will go later no worries my love just rest he would say. I would drift back off like this on and off. Waking and making attempts to not ruin his weekend. He knew I couldn’t have gone and done okay. So he held me all day long. Watching movies and napping himself.
That evening we got up and I showered feeling a bit better we went and picked up a couple of things we needed at the store for dinner. In the store I wanted to cry leaning up to the cart hoping I could just get through it. I would make excuses to look in a different direction so I could embrace the pain without him noticing. He would have left the store with nothing if he had known it was difficult for me.
I was starved. Days it had been since I held down food. I was desperate to shove everything in my fat face. I picked out cookies and yogurt excitedly. When we got home I went straight to cooking. Spaghetti and meatballs. A home made recipe passed down from my father. I got the meatballs in the oven and water boiling and back to the bedroom I went to sit. I tried so hard to just be okay the entire day. I even took all my meds. Which I often don’t because frankly who can afford that shit? Not me… not without taking from the minions and that will not ever happen.


Dinner is here and I am famished. I get a plate with 2 meatballs and maybe enough noodles to fit half my palm. Not much at all. I grab two bread. I finish one meatball quickly. As soon as the last bite hits my mouth it begins. It's like someone is in front of me punching my abs. It's making me want to cry. I slow my eating maybe in my starvation mode I am shoveling it in too darn fast slow down. A few more bites. Maybe just some bread will be okay. Marc is on his second plate now. I am still here struggling to finish bread. It physical hurts to put the food in my mouth. I stop clearly my body has had enough. I set my plate on a end table next to me. Staring at it hungrily.
I get a call from my daughter that we need to get her picked up NOW! It's an s.o.s. call and I need to move. We stopped everything and went. Picking her up she was clearly in distress. After getting back to the house I sat on the bed and snacked one cookie. Just one cookie. Within seconds made a clear run to the bathroom. Hear it comes. The vomiting, one hurl and my teeth are aching. That is the worst. My muscles in my stomach are going crazy. I knew not to eat that cookie but brain was so craving that damn thing. I called to Malachi for a wash cloth. I am in tears quickly. Once I have started to get sick my stomach is just in the excruciating pain. Malachi was quick to tell Marc when he came back from the basement. I tried to down play but he informed me the bathroom was over him and he heard it all. :( I ruined the day. HE worried all of it. I just don't know what else I can do to get better. I didn't get to bed till 2 am this morning. Back up and running by 7 am. I am not feeling any better. Under my ribs now so tender from the puking. I am going to cook breakfast and try to put on my fake face.

Hiding My Pain

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I try hard to hide anytime I am in pain. Marc knows me well enough to know each face though. Yesterday I came home to his place and I hadn’t been feeling well the entire day. When I got here I tried to eat something and lay down praying it would give me some relief. After that failed to do so I hoped up and showered. Sitting in the bottom of the shower I prayed. Please let me have time with my family tonight.

I slipped into bed after the shower every intention to blog my heart out. To promote, to accomplish something! My eyes shut, and I was asleep. Sleep does the body good though right? Marc came in trying his damnedest not to wake me. He clanked his keys and I rolled over pleased to see him. His smile from trying to be quiet and failing was one I couldn’t help but remember. That smile is permanently etched in the back of my mind.

He held me a bit, I tried then to hide how horrendous my pain level was. Truthfully I was at a resting 7 at the time and ready to cry. At a 7 I can fight back the tears though. Train my mind to concentrate on him instead of the gut wrenching pain. He got in the shower and I curled into a ball. Holding my legs high and applying pressure to my chest and stomach did relieve some pain. I was still hungry and Marc and Malachi were ready for dinner. I had eaten a grilled ham and cheese about 75% of the way and 8 kernels of cheese popcorn for the day. Shouldn’t be hard to fit in a meal before bed. YAY RIGHT!

Culver’s is the choice Marc decided for dinner.  I love their food and the custard is delicious. Malachi had never remembered going before. So he was excited to try something new. In the car I would try not to look Marc’s way to much. Knowing he would see in my face how hard it was to bare the pain. We got to the restaurant. I had forgotten my glasses and the place is packed. For some reason this menu is harder to read without glasses then most. I had to walk up to get a better view. I look back seeing Marc talking to Malachi and not looking at me. Gripping my stomach, I try to get relief. Pressure helps sometimes in the right spot.


Sitting for our meal I quickly eat. It’s delicious and frankly I am so freaking hungry! A plain chicken sammy, and cheese curds are all easily finished. The last bite hits my mouth and it hits me. The nausea is here full force. My stomach is turning. I can feel that I am going to get sick. The boys begin talk of ice cream. Marc insisting I have some. I already know it’s out of the question. I won’t hold down the food. I express needing the bathroom. He says, ‘lets pick out what you want first. ‘ Eye contact is made between the two of us and it’s no longer hidden what is physically going on with me. He holds me, you don’t have to get anything if you don’t want to. He knows. I collapse on his shoulder. I don’t want anything I need to get to the bathroom babe. Sighing, I let him know I don’t feel good. We will wait for you he says.

Must have been in the bathroom for ages. I heard 5 people enter and exit while I was getting sick. I have almost perfected quietly puking my brains out. I know when to flush to hide my gagging. Tears down my cheek as the pain in my teeth is here now full force. You truly have no idea what excessive vomiting does to your teeth holy cow it’s awful. I take some reglan and suck up all I have left to return to the table. My wonderful boyfriend can see it all over me what happened. He knows now I won’t be ordering anything but of course still offers me anything my heart desires. He takes my son up to get his. The two can’t see me while standing in line and I take the moment to regain my strength. I have some breathing exercises I do trying to ease my stomach muscles after puking. I sometimes do them while eating too cause that can just hurt. Getting through the boys eating ice cream was difficult.

Walking through the front door I said hi to the birds in passing and went straight to the bedroom. I laid down and covered my butt up. I got my meds. and tried to just relax. I asked Marc permission to stay in the bedroom and blog and relax. He in return asked if he would be okay staying in the living room with Malachi and taking out the birds. Neither cared if the other did what they were asking. A kiss and we departed to our spaces. I could see him and the birds from my room. My bed is directly across from his chair. When tears rolled my face I turned my body away from him and toward my computer. Hiding everything the best I can. It’s the only thing I try to hide. I can’t see him in pain it’s just far worse than any physical pain I endure and he is in pain every time he notices mine.

I woke several times in the night. Some he noticed and held me. Gripping my hand, rubbing my face. I feel so awful when I wake him crying or getting sick. 6 am I hugged the toilet thinking what is even in my stomach to puke for goodness sakes! 720 there again unable to stop getting sick. Tears can’t be stopped. In and out of bed I have been. In and out of his warm embrace. I am resting at a 7 on the pain scale again this fine morning. I have thrown up 6 times since going to bed.

Big plans for Marc to fly his planes today. I won’t ruin that. I will put a smile on and pretend as though I am not feeling like death and wishing I was in bed.

Family <3

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My entire life I have longed for family. I know clearly everyone is born with one right? I just never seemed to fit mine. Christmas events I wasn’t invited to. Excluded because I had “so many kids”. Spending time with family always felt like a chore. A task done because it was an obligation not just simply to enjoy. I could sit in a room full of those I shared blood with and feel completely alienated. The most unwanted member of the clan.
I was very forward when Marc and I meet of my feelings of my family. I expressed my jealousy of the closeness he had with his. Dinner twice a week at his parents. I could not remember the last time I sat to a meal with mine. He speaks daily with his sister and parents. I speak very little to mine. His memories of uncles and aunts and grandparents are so fond. My fond memories are far fewer and farther between. 

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I longed to meet the family he spoke so often and so highly of. I couldn’t wait to be apart of it. To go to family dinners. To share the love he reveled in from them. Upon meeting them they were all I had dreamed them to be. They were so welcoming and sweet. So kind and none lacking a sense of humor. Each one capable of the best embracing hugs! Oh how I would come to adore those hugs.
Just one visit to his grandpa’s and I could not get enough. I wanted to give this family all my time. My love for them grew instantly. It was so easy to see the bond they all had. I listened for any and every way I could aide them. Seeing a need with Marc’s mom needing to visit her dad a bit more. I excitedly offered to help. I saw it as an opportunity to build my bond with this amazing family. It took a bit of convincing but his mom agreed to me driving her once every other week. The hour trip to her fathers.
This week we made our first trip! The morning had been a hot mess for me. I truly needed just some time to regain my thoughts. A day with Marc’s family seemed perfect. It was everything I had hoped and so much more. I seriously could not have felt more welcomed! Everyone who knows me knows I HATE HATE driving. I would not ever do it again if it could be avoided. I drove Marc’s grandpa’s car to dinner that evening and wasn’t nervous at all. His grandpa is a kind and patient man. He truly eased everything for me. Giving super clear directions and even aided in saying when to go around which semi trucks. He made me laugh the entire visit. Sharing so many beloved family memories he had held so close to his heart. Hearing of the wine making traditions. How he taught his grandchildren his knowledge. How he himself gained it.


Hearing of the love he had for his wife. The fond details of her he would recall. Her talents of multitasking. I enjoyed hearing of his new love after his wife's passing and how gaining the addition of her family was such a blessing after the loss he had experienced. Myself, I related with how much I was gaining by being with Marc. I soaked up everything. Hoping to retain each detail. My memory isn't the greatest. I felt like my own grandfather was sharing his stories. Not ever did I feel like it was Marc's grandfather I was spending time with. I felt at ease and at home the entire time. Welcome and loved. Included in talks of building OUR family up. I truly felt so blessed.
When we left and I got to spend the car ride bonding with Marc's mom even more than I already had. Her sharing her memories I felt to my core this was the family I was always meant to have. It was them I wanted to lift up and surround in my love. I dropped off his mom pulling away tears flowing. How could I possibly be so deserving for this to all be mine. At the stop sign I pause to text Marc and thank him for the greatest gift I have ever been given! He gave me his family to share! Walking into our home I fell into his arms. On his shoulders I laid my tears of joy expressing my gratitude for all the love I have gained this past year. I am one blessed lady.