What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Lately, as things move at the speed of light. I need to remind myself this is my life. Even a little bit of a pep talk to myself that I deserve the life that is mine. Thing is I love Marc more than I ever knew you could love. Seriously, it hurts me to think he is settling for me. I’ve told him a thousand times that when we take those vows there won’t be a day I don’t strive to be the best wife for him. He giggles at that not really knowing that I think he deserves far more than I can ever offer.

He loves me so perfect and I know he has found me to be his own. So I remind myself of that and strive to just be the best me for him. Sometimes I wonder if he had someone who matched his skill set or educational background he would have such a different life. Maybe more of the one he envisioned of himself? I can’t imagine he ever envisioned the coupon girl and her 8 kids in tote for his life.

Of course I am well aware of the amazing things my kids bring to the table. It’s just I’m always so grateful that he fell in love with me. That this life is the one he wants forever. The world knows by the time Marc found me I was as damaged as they come. I mean you kind of half to be to be texting your mother daily with help before I kill myself text right? There is no question that I was at that low that no one ever wants to see. Admittedly though this wasn’t my lowest just a low. He has been here through nothing but hard difficult times however together we really did conquer it like wasn’t much of a thing.

Everyday that I have therapy I’m asked what my goal is. It’s always the same. To be a better mother and wife. I have no other life goals then to love and care for Marc and the kids to the best of my ablity. Yet, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel I’ve done enough work on myself to be good enough for either in my mind.

Putting that diamond on my hand I had to blink a few times to make sure it was real life. I would have been happy with a walmart special that I couponed and Marc knew that. In fact I pretty constantly told him to take the ring money and use for a plane. So much that I bet he got tired of telling me things he wanted that was for sale because I would respond with get a cheaper ring and go buy your stuff!

His firm 4 paychecks to equal the rings worth left me feeling so much like a princess. Repeatedly stating I can’t believe you think I’m worth this much money! I’ve fet like trash my entire life. There wasn’t a person in this world I didn’t feel entirely replaceable to. I mean lets be real for me I felt like I had been replaced always. My aunt finally with her on pregnancy, my grandpa with my brother, my mom with my other brother. My mind will tell you that’s all that ever happened. Even employers using that replacable term that woud trigger emotional breakdowns. With Marc I’ve never had any feeling bubble up that I could ever be replaced. Though I tell myself 20 times a day I am not enough. He is there to tell me 100 that I’m more than he could ever want.

As I pick my items for my day, the dress, the hair pieces, the make up. It still feels surreal that somehow I found this perfect man. Somehow he decided to love me. Somehow I was the perfect fit for him. Now soon I’ll be his wife standing in front of the castle like the princess he makes me feel I am everyday!

Truly I’ve felt married to Marc since the very moment I stepped into his car. He whisked me off my feet the very moment we meet. Maybe even before with all the paitence he had with me leading up to meeting. Yet now that I am 57 days from the day I get to share his name it feels so insanely surreal.

He giggled when I told him he has had such bad five years too and that the good is sure to be around the corner. For him the bad was just life and it was so much better to go through it all with me. My mind says I brought the bad in for him and that before me must have been so much easier.

The flood, the many court dates, kids surgeries, my surgeries, they feel like burdens I placed onto him. As he is the rock that really gets us through everything! When he says he loves me and that those moments really seem like nothing to him I beleive it. It sinks into my soul I tell you and it fills me so!

A year ago I would have told you that I ran to his family with any hiccup. My mentatlity was well first of all he okayed me talking to his mom about anything and that she could not ever see him in a light other than perfect. So she could see both sides and help me see too if I couldn’t. However I’ve grown an insane amount. I’m appauled at myself for ever going to anyone but the man of my dreams. It was always just a talk with him I needed even when I couldn’t see that.

Now I freely speak to him anything on my mind. Even if it’s him I’m feeling hurt by. Half the time it’s my brain seeing it in a way that makes me feel hurt! Always the intention of Marc is absolutely to care and love me. Speaking to him and just him shows him that I trust him! I didn’t see before that he could feel I didn’t by being more open with his mom in the moment than him. I have the ability to tell Marc every emotion that runs through my body. That is the most freeing thing in the entire world.

57 days and I’ll be experiencing Vegas with the man I intend to experience the rest of life with. We will share vows there and seal our love with that kiss. But I’ve been married to Marc since day one. So in 57 days I just long to be an even better verison of myself for him. That saying that the one will make you a better person. It’s very real. Marc doesn’t just make me a happy wife he makes me a better wife. A better mother every single day. He brings out and sometimes even brings to light all the things I love about myself.

He allows me to be who I always wanted. I love being a mom, wife, caretaker, taxi, those are the things that fufill me the most. I love the traditional wife role. The one he giggles his grandpa would be proud of. His meal being ready after work isn’t something that he ask for it’s something that makes me feel accomplished having done.

He’s played the father, and husband role for five years. Now it will be offical! I couldn’t ask for a better life partner. He’s my perfect!

Beginning to believe my bday is cursed. That or I’ve got it stuck in my head that it will be a bad day before it begins and so that’s exactly what I get. I really tried to project a good day and not let the endless amount of crap that piled on me not affect my mood.

However I failed. Spending the entire day sulking in my feelings was the exact result I got. My car winsheild having the largest out of no where three cracks I’ve ever seen left me devestated. Not to mention feeling insanely out of control. I had no clue how the cracks got there. I hadn’t been out of the car and never heard or seen it occur. Feeling completely at fault because it clearly wasn’t a ghost. Sending the text to Marc that I destroyed the car he worked so hard to make sure I had crushed my heart.

Marc though, he took it in complete stride repeatedly reassuring me it was not my fault. There was no error I had intentionally made it was simply something that happen. He really tries to settle me when I am consumed with blaming myself.

Next up my kids. Gosh, I want them so badly to make me feel like my bday ( or mothers day as those are my two days a year) is special to them. That they apprciate that they are my world and put far above myself and for my day I can relax and not stress anything. Crying repeatedly throughout the day shows that wasn’t the case though.

Selfish as it feels to be so damn sad. That’s all I felt for my bday. I wanted a cake from this donut place I love so much. So in advance I told them. Even far before I was showing post of the cakes from others and how much that would be my cake! The morning of my bday is when they decided they better get this cake. Myself, I know it takes far more planning then one hour before the donut shop closes to place a bday cake order. Informing the kids that they will probably get laughed at when they call to order. To my surprise they state they do have them. Of course I don’t know at the time that hailey and the donut shop are miscommunicating. It’s one cake donut not a donut cake that they have.

Klowey thinks they have scored my cake without any planning at all. Now she is right in my face laughing at me for my comment about the donut place will laugh when they call to order with hour notice. She is literally mocking me for my bday. Taunting see your kids do care they did get you your damn cake. Now I’m insanely sad. I feel shitty for making my comment. Feeling low for not being important enough to preplan. At this point I know I am nothing but a last thought to my kids and that they are oblivious to my feelings today.

Tears are still shedding when they send me a picture of the donut in a bag. Is this a cake mom? That blow with the picture now takes me even lower. To shake this funk blues I need a good lunch with my handsome. Off I go, Allen driving to the sub shop for a lunch date with my better half and oldest.

I enjoy my lunch trying to avoid my phone and all that is going on with it. See months before my bday the kids asked to plan something that I would like. A water park day with all of us together. The kids however never planned anything. However they did plan things for themselves. Even the week of my bday when they tried to plan a water park and realized it was too late they then decided to try to plan a concert for themselves instead stating my bday would need to be moved out months to accomdate no plan. So for that entire week I sat listening to how I was the last thought. The last thing that needed to be planned. I heard statements of mom won’t care if we do this instead.

Here is my bday and now none of them have done anything. Malachi is frantic on the phone with a spa. Mom when do you have a day you could go. Today was the only day. I take care of all your needs any other day. Take you all to work and back and work myself. So that’s a no go. Now the rest are frantic. Hailey rushes to walmart lets grab mom the same gift card we got her last year that we personally know she has not used yet since she never goes there and won’t drive. In fact hailey is the only one to use the gift card she got me last year and now there is two. Again, how ungrateful I feel for not being appreciative. However I’m already so blue I can only think of how much of a last minute thought I am.

The little boys, gifted them money to buy my gift with. But at the store they decide that since mom likes home made gifts they would rather spend the gift money on themselves. I go through a speach of how if you spend your gift money and you don’t make a thoughtful home made gift you would really leave me feeling so sad. Bday is here. They didn’t make anything. Didn’t even say happy bday to me.

Back to that cake. I give them a second back up that I really like. Making sure to be specific cause a similar one to it I really dislike. They decided even though I tell them not to look at the store where they are and to come to our town to look to do the opposite. Meaning that they end up with the cake I really dislike.

I have made it home only to be given a list of things the kids need me to do. The wifi is too slow upstairs please go stop at our aunts and grab router. Please get our needs for next week work lunches. The list goes on and on. So when I stop home I inform them that it looks like the meal they have planned to cook me the meat is not defrosting in time. I state if this isn’t all the way defrosted by the time I’m at sams club you need to tell me I will have to buy more or dinner will be a bust.

I go to sams, I get the router, I even stop at walmart for a cake I will eat because the $30 one they got remember is the one I really really don’t like. I know the tradtion of singing in my room will come and there has to be cake for it. I walk into the house to unload. I’m alone for all these errands while everyone at home is laying down resting. No one ever went to find new cake. No gift. No spa gift card nothing at all. Walking in the door first thing I see is that dinner is frozen. Not one of them told me.

Now it’s all going to be a bust. I won’t even get dinner. Malachi goes to the store. At the time we are normally eating to rebuy. Hailey buys a bag of chocolates. The same one that marc buys me literally every holiday as a tradition. She now gives that and says it’s from boys. Remember I called boys out in the am. They had this entire day to make me something but didn’t. They played video games. Now they are in my face cheesing about how they did get me a gift now so I can’t be sad.

Poor marc is down the road buying the same candy when he pulls out and his car dies. He has to push off the road and make the call to me. They our timing belt and heads are bad. HE is on the side of the road and I need to come get him. He has no clue about the day. I’m already still in tears.

Get there. Tow driver states 3 hours. So It’s me who makes the decision for us to go home for dinner and come back. Im too worried to leave a key with the car. We get home dinner is just done. It’s only been one hour. We go to make plates and tow guy is now heading to car. WE must stop dinner and deal with that instead. Leaving the food to get cold.

I’ve been bragging of my perfect love now for almost five years. It wasn’t till this year that I seen so clearly how every move he makes is because in his mind it’s to better us. Maybe just to better the kids or I day to day life but it’s always with us in mind.

To have someone in your life love you exactly how you need and work so hard for that. That is a gift let me tell you. Again, I’m not brainwashed that Marc is some perfect being he’s made mistakes and said the wrong thing. Taken the wrong action that caused me hurt. But at the end of the day if you dig into that it’s always been my best interest he had in his heart.

As it becomes more clear just how loved I am I sink into this happiness that life can’t take away. Life hits with these hard moments. These trails where you wonder if you have done something to deserve it. However when your loved so perfectly it truly doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that the older kids dad decided to take me to court on Luke’s big golden bday. Last minute after things were already planned. It doesn’t matter that the dryer caught fire and we have two weeks without one. The moment that Malachi’s car broke down right after he spent so much fixing it was swept right under the rug. Cause as a family we love each other perfect. We support adjust and bend with whatever life throws.

Standing tall at his side that’s my favorite place to be. Surgeries leaving me feeling less than desirable in appearance are washed away when I am tucked under his arm. I forget everything in his safe guarded arms. Simply because there isn’t a thing that can break that protection.

We long to spend everyday all day together. Never am I running to hide from his presence. In fact the time apart truly drags on. Recently, the social anxiety set in so that I’ve realized I don’t feel myself without his presence. Talking on the phone, hanging with friends, socializing without him is exhausting. I can’t even feel safe enough to be me. However in his presence I am a social butterfly that can’t slow down enough for anyone to understand the words I speak at times.

Moving forward I long to move to a bigger property, more time at his side. More time at home and less time with things taking me away from that. More adventures and exploring together. Building this life together for a brighter future. If you were pondering how life is. Everyday I am loved more perfect. My mental health is getting better and my life is absolutely the most blessed.

Rounding into our fifth year together it’s clear to me this is our perfect. Us together, as a team, a family, this is the close as it will ever get to perfection. On Mother’s Day at that beautiful mansion Marc stopped to tell me that for the very first time in his life he realized he doesn’t care how the world sees him. He didn’t look around to see if anyone was looking while we posed for a million pictures together. In fact he pursued the poses most finding locations all over the mansion.

Myself I realized quite some time ago his presence gave me the security to not even see the outside world. I mean honestly sitting at dinner there could be a million people I know around at tables and still I can only see him. It’s been so easy to let go of any friendship proving to be too much. Or even the friendships that just drained me. As he fulfills that need entirely for me.

Life pilling down around us at 8:30 pm each night I promise it all just melts away. As that is when we spend our time cuddling chatting about some silly tv series we are watching. Forgetting literally every hurdle the day threw at us. In those moments more and more I am seeing that it’s our perfect. The world can fall in around us and yet we would stand tall shielding each other.

The future is changing so quickly. Quicker than I can even keep up. It’s scary and uncertain with so many obstacles. Emotionally I feel so drained with all life is handing but yet one pet to my face. His text that he loves me or him playing pool getting his butt kicked yet again sending me a good game beautiful. I just know it doesn’t matter. I’m not alone ever in any of it and the power from our perfect it really does over come all.

Dare I say but everything in life that lead up to this perfect simply washed away. I look just to the future. To every series in my notes we will enjoy together. To every tradition the kids will creatively come up with. Looking forward to the small moments like chatting on the toilet in the bathroom together. Bedtime snacks we shouldn’t be eating but love so much. Seeing the children become successful adults. Life is our perfect.

Oh Gosh, Mother’s Day is usually one of those days when I’m screaming on the inside. Mostly it has been filled of hiccups and stress if I’m just being honest. A few were okay but none stand out as the one to remember until this year.

This year I didn’t plan! Let’s be real I plan everything in my world and things need to be planned for me to feel secure. Most of the people in my world aren’t planners though. Leaving this to always fall on me. It’s huge for me to have the day planned by someone other than me. This well defined laid out plan for the day. It’s funny how for me this gesture in itself was a gift!

Marc planned and booked breakfast at the Tippecanoe. This fancy mansion that they serve incredible buffet style food. It’s a casual dress attire and I so enjoyed putting on the dress that I bought for our first big date almost 5 years prior. Seeing Marc and Malachi who was also our guest looking spiffy in their dress clothes light me up. What handsome men escorted me inside.

Stepping into this mansion I felt like a complete princess. Walking up these steps to enter the main bedroom where we would dine was just breathtaking. There was a pianist playing at the bottom of the steps. Where you would stand in line for the omelets the piano was just behind you. Even playing some current day tunes that gave me a giggle.

The food was just incredible. There was waffles with mascarpone bringing back found memories of the Ritz Carlton adventures when Marc stole mine. So he made sure my plate just heaped of it when he went for waffles for me. It was so special.

The kids who didn’t go got me a puppy, puppy accessories, and home made art. They all listened and there was literally no stress for the day. It was so perfect. A day I will cherish in my memories forever!

Here we are the time has come. My first born is ready to walk that stage. His little sister did beat him by a year but she wasn’t able to walk a stage due to the pandemic. Allen gets the chance to walk the stage.

I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of him. He was so driven until there was a shooting incident at his school. Allen had lost all drive and to be honest I am pretty sure he begun suffering from depression.

At some point I just laid out here are your options. Once he was into a program again he was soaring instantly. Got right into his grove and I quickly realized he had done what was needed for the diploma and the ged both.

One day while he was at work I got the letter from the state that I was correct. Allen graduated. I had all the paperwork for cap and gown and his graduation when I arrived to pick him up from work that day. He beamed with pride in himself.

Something every mother longs to see in their child. Now he is an employed driving graduate. He will walk the stage this next month with all the people he has always wanted to make proud.

It’s hard to realize it’s over his childhood that he is now grown and in the real world of being a grown up. With all those grown up downers. Like bills and stress by the boatloads. So of course I am here supporting and hoping to give him whatever tools and time I can to live a wonderful prosperous life. How ever will I let go when he spreads his wings I still don’t know!

I spent so much time thinking of how angry I was that the men I chose to bare kids with don’t do their share. Never taking the time to reflect on the strength I gained from doing it on my own. Without that help I had to find ways to rely on myself.

Not only have I learned how strong I am and what I am capable of doing for my kids. The kids and I have a bond that these men are never going to have. I have shown each of them that a woman is capable of raising over a half dozen minions on their own.

Seeing how the kids are becoming such incredible adults so much more responsible than the men that let them down. I realize there isn’t a need to be bitter the kids are almost grown now. My strength came from that anger and being alone in the parenting journey. And I love how strong I am!

So maybe in a way I am a bit grateful that I didn’t ever really share my kids. Even if that meant it left the weight of the world on my shoulders I also never had to feel the pain that these men must live in. The pain of not knowing your kids? They can’t name a teacher, name a friend to their kids. If they cooked a meal they have no clue what the quirks of their eating habits are.

I know my children. My struggles were not non existent and I was far from the perfect parent. But I was strong enough to be there. Strong enough to let all my flaws sway in the wind and still be present. The dads will tell you the fight was too much.

Yet, cps, fathers, money, fire, flood all of that hit me. I still remained present. Fighting to be so. Still not the mother I want to be or take pride in but everyday striving toward being that mother. I’m stronger because they were weak. Being bitter can’t help me be better mother but being stronger will!

I have felt that awful double standard heavier than normal this week. The double standard where men think it’s a role of a Mother to do and his to do when he feels like it. I’m so sick of hearing them tell me they have struggles. Like I am not your therapist! Don’t come to me with the pity party as I am living in the same world except with the weight of 7 kids.

A burden that is expected of me to carry. For the men who laid down in bed with me to make the precious gift of our children it’s just not. Fighting over how they need time to get on their feet. Messages being passed through third parties that it’s just not possible for these grown men to do!

Thinking back to the times that they had prison stints leaving me to provide entirely financially. Do they not remember that while they sat behind bars and got a free ride to the financial burden of the kids I didn’t? Is it far from their minds that child support is the bare minimum for the necessities? Child support that is rare and far and between for me to ever receive.

Child support that to them is some kind of burden they don’t deserve! Can you imagine that these men expect that when they make $8 and $38 payments I am suppose to stretch that so far as to cover needs and gifts. Gifts that they want their name on to make them look like they were present. These payments never even putting a dent into the arrears carried.

It’s always I that is the bad guy. As if I am telling their kids so much negative that they don’t want them around. Not that they have pumped these poor babies full of it themselves.

These men must think I’m superhuman. What they expect of me? As if life doesn’t hand me similar struggles and doesn’t knock me down every chance it gets. I’m feeling more angry than ever with each excuse passed back to me.

They can’t be present. The kids are too angry for them to repair. Buying them gifts is beyond their capabilities yet being all over facebook with new vehicles and drinks in their hand is not. Or the famous let me buy a dog so they come to my house more to care for it. I’m at my wit’s in and ready to pack up and never look back. Why stay to be close to men who can’t hack the job given? Them being in the same town, county, neighborhood and still no effort is made. Just talk. Let’s tell our kids for Easter your gifting them… Just to leave them waiting empty again!

Ahhhh It’s just not fair. If they even gave a small effort the kids win! They deserve both parents struggling for them not one for themselves. Leaving them in the dust can’t make you feel good about yourself!

What or who in your life fills your bucket? Your emotional bucket that makes you feel complete and happy. For me it’s Marc taking pride in me. Even him muttering the word proud in reference to me just lights me up from within.

Maybe it’s some childhood repressed emotional baggage that gives me this need to make him proud. I’m not really sure. I can however honestly say I deliberately over share any small accomplishment with Marc for the pride he takes in me. No matter how small it may seem I already know he will be over the top with his pride.

As a stay at home mom who gig works or coupons to make her contribution to the family Marc often calls me his little hustler. I already soar to be his anything. The hustler part though always gives me the little extra giggle. Always working to find ways to take pressure off the budget I “hustle” all kinds of money saving ideas and gig work.

Throughout the day I share with Marc my successes in doing so. Yesterday was the first time I hustled money off of our cable bill. Upon doing so I sent him a screenshot of the text confirmation. Some silly message about everyday I’m hustling. There is a song that I totally sing to this effect to go along with it. When he responds to that text with pride it literally changes my entire day.

Smile is now permanently on my face for the remainder of my day because I know he opened a text on a silly cable credit and smiled. He took pride in me and thought there she goes taking care of us again. His sweet thoughts of me filling my bucket and my growing confidence in myself that I can help take off his load and still be home being the mother and future wife I desire to be.

Sitting here and thinking back I can’t recall a day Marc doesn’t show or tell me that he is proud of me. Soaring me into the clouds riding on that high from that filled bucket. Being on that high just leads to me accomplishing more for him to be proud of. It’s a never ending cycle.

In return I think he also has such pride in himself. He truly enjoys being the provider and having me home. There is a strength it gives him to have that traditional male role as the head of the house. Filling his own bucket by working hard for us daily and knowing that I can simply bake in the kitchen all day if that is what my heart so desires.

All and all I truly have the best relationship I’ve ever witnessed in my 37 years of life.